By J.R. Taylor
Summer's gone and the time is right for dancing in our pants--as we're checking out the stellar starlets stirring up the world of television. It's a new fall season, and we're already falling in love with the luscious lassies gracing the line-ups of a sinful new season.
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ABC
Safely settled into second place in the ratings, ABC is broke enough to try to fix a chunk of its schedule--with enough sexy new shows to put our zippers in a fix:
Ugly Betty
This American adaptation of the Spanish-language hit Yo Soy Betty, la fea looks pretty good to us--even with sexy big girl America Ferrera (Picture: ) getting uglied up in the title role. Our unsophisticated heroine is working at a fashion magazine surrounded by the cattiest of the catty. Bring on the catfights, too, with a cast of cold beauties including Ashley Jensen and Vanessa Williams (the former Miss America one).
Big Day
We'd rather be tortured by Jack Bauer during a season of 24 than endure the single wedding that takes up the entire season of this big show. At least we've got the promise of a big night with bride (and former sexy teen queen) Marla Sokoloff (Picture: 1). There's also the appeal of MILFish mother-in-law-to-be Wendie Malick (Picture: 1), along with a bevy of beautiful bridesmaids.
The Knights of Prosperity
Originally packaged as Let's Rob Mick Jagger, this sitcom follows some lovable losers who spend a season plotting to rip off the Rolling Stone's penthouse apartment. Will they succeed? Only if they're smart enough to bait the battered old rocker with lovely Latina Sofia Vergara (Picture: 1) --who prompted plenty of prosperous pumping with her bikini shots in Fuera de serie (Picture: ).
The Nine
Strangers are held hostage during a bank robbery and end up being intertwined for life--or at least hopefully a full TV season. The bigger mystery is where do we find this bank, since the customers that day include Camille Guaty (Picture: 1) --who put a file in our pants on the Fox show Prison Break--and Kim Raver (Picture: 1), formerly of 24 and a lingerie lesbian liplock in Keep Your Distance (2005). There's also Jessica Collins (Picture: 1), last seen freeing her flappers on the Showtime offering The Ranch.
Six Degrees
Six strangers go on unaware of the effects that their decisions have on one another. This show is based on the premise that only six people separate one person from another--so who are the five idiots separating us from the hot babes in this hourly drama? Our zippers are already at a ninety-degree angle for Hope Davis (Picture: 1) --last seen one degree away from Robin Tunney during a m?ge in The Secret Lives of Dentists (2002). There's also Erika Christensen (Picture: 1) --swimmingly sexy in Swimfan (2002)--and Bridget Moynahan (Picture: 1 - ), who teased us to the nth degree in films such as Coyote Ugly (2000) and Lord of War (2005).
In Case of Emergency
This sitcom follows old high-school friends dealing with their miserable lives twenty years later--and it's pretty obvious where the guys screwed up. They should never have gotten out of touch with valedictorian-turned-hooker Kelly Hu (Picture: 1). At least the gang is savvy enough to hire fully-grown Full House star Lori Loughlin (Picture: ) as the therapist who keeps them from going nuts.
Day Break
It's a homicidal Groundhog Day for cop Taye Diggs, constantly reliving the same twenty-four-hour period in which he was framed for murder. Hopefully he can piece together the mystery without being distracted by a daily dose of lethal lovelies: Victoria Pratt, who took it off in Whatever It Takes (1999); Meta Golding (Picture: 1), whose nude scenes keep us reliving Quiet Days in Hollywood (1997); and bloody-good cover girl Moon Bloodgood.
Brothers & Sisters
Siblings come together to run the family business in an hourly drama with the oldest average cast of babes this season. Sally Field (Picture: 1) is the matriarchal MILF to former Ally McBeal star Calista Flockhart (Picture: 1) and Skin fave Rachel Griffiths. We also get Patricia Wettig as a sexy mystery woman--and she was on thirtysomething twenty years ago.
Men in Trees
She stars as a relationship therapist stuck in an Alaska town full of eligible men--but we prefer Anne Heche (Picture: 1) as a lesbian stuck on Joan Chen in the ladies room in Wild Side (1995). Hopefully this retread of Northern Exposure will also include some southern exposure from the few other eligible babes in the backwoods--including Emily Bergl (Picture: 1), who got us burgling our pants in Chasing Sleep (2000).
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NBC
NBC is at the bottom of the ratings, but they're not bottoming out in the babe department, with plenty of space to fill in a schedule that'll fill out the space in our shorts:
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Aaron Sorkin follows up The West Wing with a behind-the-scenes look at a live skit-comedy show. Can the new creative team get the audience to laugh it up? Who cares? We'll be too busy lapping up Amanda Peet (Picture: 1) in her role as the network president. Hey, that's no less believable than her turn as a topless aspiring assassin in The Whole Nine Yards (2000). Sarah Paulson (Picture: 1) also shows up as a cast member--although we weren't laughing when she flashed her historical hooters on HBO's Deadwood.
Heroes
Ordinary folks gain superpowers in this hour-long drama--with an impressive cast of women capable of bending our briefs with a single look. Ali Larter (Picture: 1) has already spawned plenty of superboners while taking it the doggie way in 3-Way (2004).
Friday Night Lights
The hit film about high-school football gets a chance to become a hit series--and we're hoping for some high scoring, since the bleacher babes include Adrianne Palicki (Picture: ), last seen sporting a bikini on the short-lived series North Shore.
30 Rock
Not content with having one show goofing on Saturday Night Live, its network also gives us this sitcom in which Tina Fey runs the fictional Girlie Show with former SNL star Rachel Dratch. But apparently Tina and Rachel weren't enough girlie action for NBC, as Ally McBeal sexpot Jane Krakowski (Picture: 1) was a late addition to the cast.
Kidnapped
A wealthy couple's son is abducted, and the kidnappers don't even think to demand that Dana Delany (Picture: 1) remove her blouse--even though the marvelous MILF has only gotten hotter since baring her bod in Exit to Eden (1994).
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CBS
CBS has had a good run for the past few seasons, as they've brought down their average viewer age and beaten the stigma of Murder, She Wrote and Diagnosis Murder. The Eye didn't need many new shows, but we've certainly got eyes for the casts of the following:
The Class
You can't go wrong selling a network another series about twentysomethings. The Class offers the hook of friends who've been apart since third grade--so, really, it should be a regular show about people who have no idea they've met before. We're still anxious to renew our acquaintance with Lizzy Caplan, Heather Goldenhersh, Andrea Anders, and Lucy Punch (Picture: 1) --who got us punchy in her underwear in Being Julia (2004).
Smith
In what seems like a close copy of the FX network's Thief, family man Ray Liotta heads up a crime crew--and crime sure pays, since his character's married to perpetual Skin perp Virginia Madsen (Picture: 1 - 2). His cunning crew also includes Amy Smart (Picture: 1 - ), whose topless turn in Road Trip (2000) has her welcome to break into our boxers anytime.
Jericho
There's a mushroom cloud in the distance, and the suddenly isolated small town of Jericho, Kansas, is all abuzz in this hourly drama. Meanwhile, a cast of sexbombs sets off an atomic blast in our pants. We're ready to repopulate the planet with post-mushroom MILF Pamela Reed (Picture: 1) and Ashley Scott (Picture: 1), who almost had all her clothes blown off in films such as Into the Blue (2005) and Walking Tall (2004).
Shark
James Woods carries this show as a savvy prosecutor, but our legal briefs will be brought to new heights by his stunning team of luscious lady lawyers. There's TV veteran Jeri Ryan (Picture: ), plus a cast of nubile newcummers including Sarah Carter (Picture: ) --who supershrunk our shorts in a sexy turn on The WB's Smallville.
Next week: What's coming up over at Fox, along with the newly launched networks CW and MyNetwork.
