The Dirigible Dozen: Up, Up, and Away in (and out of) Their Bountiful Brassieres . . .
The Adventures of Balloon Boy all over the news this week got Mr. Skin thinking of some famous funbags that have been hyper-amplified to the point(s) that it’s a wonder how the women to which they’re attached don’t take flight.
While we here at Mr. Skin prefer the female anatomy all naturalas well as au naturelthe prevalence of plastic surgery in show business means that accepting augmented appendages is just another aspect of being a celebrity skin devotee.
So if you’re going to pump up the mams, starlets, why not expand those glands to the point of impossible exaggeration? The following enormously implanted ingenudes make two huge cases at a time that while Hollywood hills are great, towering Tinseltown Himalayas have their place as well.
1. CHRISTINA AGUILERA
Pre-Liftoff: After a shared stint as the 1990s Mousekateers on MMC, Christina competed with Britney Spears to become our preeminent pop tart of the turn (on) of the century. While Brit went into crack-up mode, Christina opted for a multi-cup increase up front, lending more credence to those who always maintained that, to begin with, she always had the more powerful lungs of the pair.
Upward, Ho!: Christina’s early music videos and Rolling Stone covers showcase a rail-thin chanteuse who could barely dent a training bra. Come the new millennium, Xtina astoundingly emerged as a triple-D diva.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment:Diary (2002)
At the height of her sexified phase while pushing the album Stripped and its hit single “Dirrty”, Christina did, in fact, strip on this MTV documentary series. Strategically placed strands of hair covered her nipple ringsmost of the time. Eagle-eyed tit technicians at the Mr. Skin Labs caught Christina’s historic flesh flash and have preserved it for posterity.
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2. PAMELA ANDERSON
Pre-Liftoff: Ladysmith, British Columbia, Canada’s most celebrated daughter was discovered while wearing a Labatt’s t-shirt at a football game in 1989. When the crowd went wild for Pam on the stadium screen, the beer company immediately provided her with a modeling contract.
Upward, Ho!: After some heady Labatt’s layouts, Playboy followed fast and offered 21-year-old Pam its October 1989 centerfold. By that point, certain alterations would have rendered the t-shirt that originally made Pam famous simply too tight for her freshly enlarged physique.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment: Barb Wire (1996)
(0:01) Pam tackles the title role as a sci-fi crime fighter who bursts out of her leather catsuit while dancing under the cascading showers of a fire hose. This particular future looks rosy. And round.
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3.KENDRA WILKINSON
Pre-Liftoff: Native California blonde Kendra Leigh Wilkinson Baskett grew up and played high-school softball in the middle-class Clairemont enclave of greater San Diego. She grew out, with medical assistance, after graduating and moving to Hollywood.
Upward, Ho!: Kendra’s plastic-enhanced chest protuberances caught the eye and ignited the legendary libido of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner when she was coated with body paint at his 78th birthday. In short order, huge-hootered Kendra moved in with Hef, Holly Madison, and Bridget Marquardt, as chronicled on E!’s popular unreal-rack reality show The Girls Next Door.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment:Kendra (2009)
On her solo spin-off series, Kendra preps for her nuptials to NFL star Hank Baskett and pops clear out of her wedding dress.
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4. AMBER SMITH
Pre-Liftoff: While just a teen, supermodel Amber Smith rose to the hottest heights of hautecouture and then scored back-to-back Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covers. She also lit up the pages of Vogue, Elle, Cosmo, and virtually all other major fashion mags, along with numerous A-list ad campaigns. These days, Amber still looks awesome as one of the top draws on VH1’s various Celebrity Rehab vehicles.
Upward, Ho!: Amber brought her naked beauty to the big screen in L.A. Confidential (1997) and How to Be a Player (1997). By the time she doffed her top in the softcore scorcher Red Shoe Diaries: As She Wishes (1998), Amber’s upper deck had clearly been extended by skilled laborers.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment:Tell Me No Lies (2000)
(0:39) See self-confessed sex addict and ex-prostitute Amber meld money-makers with Erika Michaels. Erika thoroughly enjoys working Amber’s unnatural wonders, and you’ll enjoy it too. Even more thoroughly.
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5.JENNA JAMESON
Pre-Liftoff: The sterling offspring of a Nevada beat cop and a Las Vegas showgirl, Jenna Jameson hit the adult industry at 18, sporting adorably perky titlets and the inherent star power of most high-profile Hollywood mega-celebs.
Upward, Ho!: Jenna’s bustline rose in accordance with her adult-video superstardom and ultimate crossover into mainstream fame and household name recognition.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment:Zombie Strippers (2008)
(1:05) Two strong cases can be made to champion Jenna’s R-rated debut in Howard Stern’s Private Parts (1997), but the most outrageous display of her boulder-proportioned bosom goes down (and up . . . and down . . . and up . . . ) as she battles the similarly stacked Shamron Moore during a slapstick catfight onstage at a nudie club in Zombie Strippers.
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6. ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Pre-Liftoff: Born Vickie Lynn Hogan in small-town Texas, the future Anna Nicole Smith was a single mom with a petite torso when she commenced exotic dancing in 1991. Local connections and the opportunity to pose for Playboy prompted Anna to submit to silicone placement in her upper erogenous zones, and from there she grew into the supreme plus-size mega-model and scandal queen of her timewhich was tragically cut short in 2007.
Upward, Ho!: Anna initially unveiled her volcanically voluptuous curves in the May 1992 Playboy. She then earned Playmate of the Year status, a Guess jeans contract, and worldwide fame that proved to be as utterly overwhelming as her own udderly ample endowments.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment: To the Limit (1995)
(1:13) Anna's uproariously awesome action adventure flick pauses for a stimulating spell while its wet heroine gets in touch with herself during a shower. And there’s nothing clean about what she does there.
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7. STORMY DANIELS
Pre-Liftoff: Louisiana lovely Stormy Daniels started stripping professionally at 17 and quickly went from down-home jailbait to hardcore sexbomb after meeting porn performer Devon Michaels. From there, Stormy signed with Wicked Pictures (original home of Jenna Jameson), and an X-rated icon was born.
Upward, Ho!: Stormy stormed big-time adult videos after having her breasts artificially upgraded to blimp status.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment: Knocked Up (2007)
(1:27) Stormy and fellow real-life adult-video vixen Nautica Thorn supply lap dances to Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd in a Vegas stripotorium. This was actually Stormy’s second appearance for writer-director Judd Apatow; she’s also in his first hit, The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005).
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8. JULIE STRAIN
Pre-Liftoff: “Six-foot-one and worth the climb.” That’s how dazzling, dizzyingly tall fetish model turned Penthouse Pet turned multimedia erotic goddess Julie Strain has always described her statuesque physical magnificence.
Upward, Ho!: A raven-maned ravisher and star of more than 100 wild movies, Julie worked hard to create her athletic build, but when she first posed for figure studies, she could only be described as flat chested. By the time she illuminated her 1993 Penthouse Pet of the Year spread, Julie’s juggalos had been significantly bolstered and broadened by outside consultants.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment: 13 Erotic Ghosts (2002)
(0:05) Julie opens this 3-D softcore spooker by generating kinky Sapphic heat in a hot tub with the Porcelain Twinz, Zen and Zero. The identical sisters not only explicitly canoodle with Julie, they even engage in light twincest. In 2004’s Blood Gnome, our favorite libertine lesbian trio returns as Julie and the Porcelains practice nude bondage at the one-hour, nine-minute mark.
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9. GLORI-ANNE GILBERT
Pre-Liftoff: Ironically hailing from the plains state of Kansas, Glori-Anne Gilbert made a rapid beeline for B-movie stardom, 38DDDs-first.
Upward, Ho!: Beginning with Satanic Yuppies (1996) and continuing through The Lusty Busty Babe-a-que (2008), Glori-Anne has never not had gargantuan fake gazongas.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment:House on Hooter Hill (2007)
(0:10) Glori-Anne rides a dude outdoors, showing off her mammoth mammaries as they swing and sway and look positively Glori-ous.
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10. KRISTIN BAUER
Pre-Liftoff: It makes sense for immense-chested Kristin Bauer to come from Wisconsin, the land of all things dairy, but it was for another set of unusual bodily extremities that she is best remembered: on Seinfeld, Kristin played Jerry’s girlfriend “Man Hands.”
Upward, Ho!: When Kristin first erupts nude on the screen, her knockout knockers show up well ahead of the rest of her sumptuous self.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment:Dancing at the Blue Iguana (2000)
(1:30) It takes a lot to stand out among the naked roster of Daryl Hannah, Jennifer Tilly, Sandra Oh, and Charlotte Ayanna, andpowered by her potently prodigious pontoonsKristin ignites a strip-club stage and does just that in this all-time celebrity skin classic.
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11. SHAE MARKS
Pre-Liftoff: Shae Marks may have come by her bazooka bazooms unnaturally, but this New Orleans transplant very naturally packs her every on-camera moment with all the sex-drenched heat of Mardi Gras in full swing.
Upward, Ho!:Playboy discovered Shae and turned her into a top-heavy centerfold in 1994. After serving as the magazine’s premier spokesmodel for a spell, bombs-bullets-and-boobs filmmaker Andy Sidaris added her to his roster of monster-honkered movie stars by casting Shae in Day of the Warrior (1996).
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment:Return to Savage Beach (1998)
(1:05) Shae swims underwater alongside the equally titanic ta-ta’d Julie K. Smith. Each beauty frees her floatation devices from the bathing suit that is barely containing them. And neither is in any danger of drowning.
12. CHLOE HUNTER
Pre-Liftoff: Interestingly, jumbo-bobo'd Chloe Hunter remains most famous for a section of her anatomy that is almost superhumanly flat: her muscular stomach. In fact, Chloe's midsection serves as the centerpiece of the famous poster for the 1999 Best Picture Academy Award winner, American Beauty.
Upward, Ho!: After featured parts in Down to You (2000) and Leprechaun in Da Hood (2000), Chloe exposed every part of her naked body in Spun, most noticeably her super-sized synthetic suck sacks.
Top(less) Gravity-Defying Moment: Spun (2002)
(0:41) Playing a speed freak, Jason Schwartzman ties Chloe to a bed while she’s full-frontally nude, and then leaves her to fend for herself. For the remainder of the movie, we repeatedly get to see Chloe bound and bare, with her behemoth milk bombers taking up practically the entire screen.
