Tyrone "Dollar" Green
[Editor's Note: Correspondent Tyrone "Dollar" Green is an African-American journalist based in Brooklyn, New York. He writes today in honor of Black History Month and the recent DVD release of the landmark ABC TV mini-series Roots (1986). We are making no potentially misunderstood jokes from here on out. Period. Thanks a lot, Imus.]
My name is Tyrone "Dollar" Green, and I spit on the Emancipation Proclamation for the worthless pile of scribbles that it is. My brothers and sisters, we are still slaves. Listen to the white devil Don Imus calling our ebony princesses "nappy-headed 'hos."
I'm supposed to control my violent temper and be passive and nonviolent. I try. I really try. Though when I see these girls of such a beautiful spirit so degraded and I think of the number of years that they're going to have to carry in their memories the savagery of this idiotic moment, I just go berserk!
Thank the African Earth Mother there are some decent crackers in the media. I speak of Skin Brother Number One, Mr. Skin. He's given his great platform to this revolutionary brother to honor the 30th anniversary of the airing of Roots, now out on DVD.
The story of my brother Kunta Kinte's enslavement not only raises my blood pressure, it raises my massive black staff. I was just a youngster at the time of its original broadcast. Watching that mini-series was more eye-opening than reading Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver, the Minister of Information for the Black Panther Party.
Where was my mind? Blown. And when the series opened in the idyllic paradise of Mother Africa, with my chocolate-milk-sacked sisters running free and topless the way nature intended, where was my mound? Blown!
To celebrate the beauty of my black sisters and to commemorate Roots as one of the first times naked titty was shown on network television, I've compiled my personal top-ten list of the most boob-iful black mamas taken from their native land and deposited on this tainted soil by slave ship. The revolution will be televised!
Even the racist Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had to acknowledge that black is boob-iful when it awarded Halle with the golden statue for Monster's Ball (2001) (Picture: 1). I guess Oscar is a person of color. But it's a conspiracy. The only reason Halle won is because she was reamed by Billy Bob Thornton, who's whiter than chalk and just as brittle compared to the mighty flesh hammer of the superior black man.
Baywatch is just like the Ku Klux Klan, only in swimsuits. Them lifeguards are straight-up racists! They'd never wet their tan bodies for a black man. That's why I consider the casting of Traci on that white-boy fantasy series as the fulfillment of Martin Luther King's dream. Who knew he was talking about a wet one?
Not that I'd say a critical word about a black man but: Bill Cosby, please! We need to uplift the race, not bad mouth brothers that are clocking dollars just because you don't like what they're rapping about. Still, I've got to hand it to my man for The Cosby Show, which introduced the world to super-freak Lisa. Though I doubt Cosby's Jell-O hardened to the sight of his innocent and pure "daughter" getting all voodoo vampy in Angel Heart (1987) (Picture: 1), it gave me a heart-on.
Just a Dash will do you—especially when, like Stacey, she's got nipples the size of pepper shakers. When I saw this Bronx-born babe show them Beverly Hills bitches how to shake their things in Clueless (1995), I had a clue what to do with Stacey. She had a clue too and began to lose those designer threads and reveal the body that only a black woman can have. That black moon first rose over Black Water (1989) (Picture: 1), but I'm partial to Illegal in Blue (1995) (Picture: 1), even though she makes it with a couple of honkies. It still makes it for me.
Before she sold her soul to Las Vegas, Lola was one lusty lady for the peepholes. She may have whitened up her act for the boob tube, but she was a sister on a mission back in the early '70s, starring in such blaxploitation classics as The Liberation of L.B. Jones (1970), Lady Cocoa (1973), and The Klansman (1974) (Picture: 1). This Lady Cocoa can show me her little puffs anytime.
I've got mixed feelings about my fly girl Robin. She's a beautiful woman, no doubt, but the way she treated Mike Tyson is inexcusable. I know white people are scared of a powerful black man, but a sister's got to stand behind her man. It puts me in a rage. Then I watch Robin's nude debut in A Rage in Harlem (1991) (Picture: 1). I'd lick that ass too.
I'd make a move for Pam, except her cousin, football great Rosie Grier, would tackle me. Still, of all the hot mamas I've collected on this list, Pam is tits and ass above the rest. She's the true African Queen, the pride of her people, the hottest, sweetest, and juiciest pussy ever to be exposed on celluloid. From her nude debut in Women in Cages (1971) (Picture: 1) to her slew of blaxploitation classics, such as Black Mama, White Mama (1972) (Picture: 1), Coffy (1973) (Picture: 1), and Foxy Brown (1974) (Picture: 1), Pam is the bomb. And her bombs pack more punch than an atomic one, where it counts, below the belt. Right on, sister! Left too!
Again, props to Bill Cosby for discovering the fragrant beauty of Jasmine, the exotically erotic star of A Different World, who sends this brother into a world of sex. Like any good daughter of a righteous reverend, Jasmine is a bad girl who's so good to look at in Kla$h (1995) (Picture: 1), her only skintillating reveal onscreen. She plays a character named Blossom, and her buds are in full bloom.
Ah, shit! You thought I'd come to the end of my list and not get freaky on your ass with some porno bitch? How about a walk through the Heather with this slutty sister? She was discovered by another woman of color, Native American Hyapatia Lee, and the rest is her-story, which happens to be explicitly penetrating. She's made her fair share of straight films, such as Frankenhooker (1990) (Picture: 1), which will scare you straight, and my brother Spike Lee put her in his He Got Game (1998) (Picture: 1). Lee uses one of his famous montages to highlight Heather's game. She scores, you shoot.
All good things must come to an end, and few have better rear ends than Cynda. That horny little director Spike Lee discovered this big-breasted sister too, using her for his Mo' Better Blues (1990) (Picture: 1). It should be called Mo' Better Boobs. Cynda is a real up-and-comer who makes me up and come in over half-a-dozen hot flicks. I last caught her big girls getting rocked in Caught Up (1998) (Picture: 1). It got my rocks off.