By Selwyn Harris
13. Lisa Bonet (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3)
NIP-NAME: Angel Tarts
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Cosby's rebel without a sitcom and former Lenny Kravitz crotch-ornament Lisa sports a potently protracted dusky duo atop her otherwise bantam-weight chest pancakes. Add your own syrup!
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: Theo and Rudy.
BREAST PICTURE:Angel Heart (1987)
Lisa bedevils detective Mickey Rourke in a voodoo-enflamed sex scene. Rumors abound that the beating doled out to Mickey's kisser by Lisa's engorged booblet bumpers may be responsible for the condition he seems to have been in ever since.
12. Ali Macgraw (Picture: 1)
NIP-NAME: Ali's MacGnaws
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: The Lilliputian Love Story lass possesses a pair of palm-filling funbag funnels that do, indeed, mean that she'll never have to say she's sorry.
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: The two generations of MrSkin.com members who have no idea what Love Story is and therefore won't get that joke in the category above.
BREAST PICTURE:Just Tell Me What You Want (1980)
Ali just shows us what she's got in a shower scene that packs the screen with her massive, meaty milk spigots. Those are what I want!
11. Patti D'Arbanville (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: D'adgummed D'lectable D'umpling D'ollops
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: With clothes on, Patti appears pretty flatty, but pop off that A-cup bra and out come a couple of A-list ant bites that are all kinds of awesomely swollen up-top.
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM:Beverly D'angelo, Alfonse D'Amato, and Tess of the D'Urbervilles
BREAST PICTURE:Bilitis (1977)
Even though Patti was twenty-six and a jaded veteran of the Andy Warhol scene when this soft-sex classic was filmed, her fresh face and delicate form made her more-than-believable as a teenage pretty in burgeoning sexual bloom. And her titanic torso baubles made her a lacto-fanatic legend.
10. Stacey Dash (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: Cocoa Bubbles
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION:Clueless stunner Stacey is an absolute stand-out in the sweetly distended suckle-pump department. You know those one-pound Hershey's Kisses you sometimes see around Valentine's Day? Stacey with her shirt off is an all-natural, two-tiered advertisement for those super-sized savory confections. And that's pure milk chocolate!
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: All the weight Alicia Silverstone has gained and lost in the past ten years.
BREAST PICTURE:Illegal in Blue (1995)
AKA Elongated in Brown
9. Maeve Quinlan (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3)
NIP-NAME: Silicone-Sack Super-Straws
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Flaxen vixen Maeve supplies real heat and volcanically voluminous nerp-meat (affixed to her unnaturally enhanced udder fronts) to arthouse hard-on Larry Clark's latest manufactured controversy, Ken Park (2002).
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: One hundred times the total number of people who like Larry Clark movies for any reason other than the opportunity to ogle naked young chicks. In other words, one hundred people.
BREAST PICTURE:Ken Park (2002)
8. Felicity Huffman (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: Felicity's Puffs, Man
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: The wife of acclaimed thespian William H. Macy brandishes shelf extensions inside her sweater that are as alluringly ample at their apexes as her husband's character was idiotic in Fargo (1996).
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: Keri Russell (TV's Felicity, get it?)
BREAST PICTURE: The 2003 Showtime series Out of Order
Felicity scrubs Eric Stoltz in the shower with her home-grown love loofahs--from the other side of the bathroom!
7. Linda Haynes (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: The Big Houses
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Linda's career sizzled in vintage potboilers such as Coffy (1975), Rolling Thunder (1977), and the TV movie Guyana Tragedy: The Story of Jim Jones (1980) and then she seems to have disappeared. Fortunately, her superlatively huge Hindenburg hoses will scorch forever on celluloid.
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: The Aryan Brotherhood and La Raza on her right one, The Crips and The Bloods on her left.
BREAST PICTURE:Brubaker (1980)
Robert Redford's prison drama had the smarts to invite Linda's colossal casaba crests to what might have otherwise been a strict Sausage Party.
6. Jane Birkin (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3)
NIP-NAME: Jane's Perkins
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Tiny, tasty, hard-bodied Brit dish Jane steps into any room she enters titty-taps first. Her cute, essentially horizontal happy pillows are distinguished by ultra-pronounced pointers that could pummel even the harshest Anglophobe into pining for all elevations English.
WHAT COULD HANG OFF THEM: All of Serge Gainsbourg's illegitimate children.
BREAST PICTURE:Je t'aime, moi non plus (1976)
Not only can you feast on Jane's ferociously frame-filling flapjack pinnacles, she also goes fearlessly full frontal and wails in erotic abandon as Andy Warhol's resident meat-for-brains pops his art up her bowels.
5. Milla Jovovich (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: Super Marbles
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Exploding off ?-model Milla's enchantingly athletic form are two glorious glass-cutters that must punch holes in the high-priced frocks she so electrifyingly fills out on catwalks and in glossy magazine spreads.
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: All four seasons of America's Next Top Model contenders.
BREAST PICTURE:He Got Game (1988)
As a hooker in Spike Lee's basketball saga, Milla bounces out a duo of round, buoyant booby bulbs that would easily fill a standard NBA hoop without any possibility of a swish.
4. Kim Basinger (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: 9 1/2 Tweaks
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Two thumbs up--way up--to Kim's chalupa cherries, which themselves take on the dimension of two (big) thumbs out--way out
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: Everyone who hates Alec Baldwin (and, yes, that is saying something).
BREAST PICTURE:The Getaway (1994)
Sexing up then-hubby Baldwin in a hotel room, Kim shoves her massive, molten mounds in his maw and successfully does temporarily what the whole world wishes it could do once and for all: she shuts that loudmouth the fuck up.
3. Kathleen Turner (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: Kathleen's Burners
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Tall, stiff, terrifically inviting to touch, and definitely a potential choking hazard (but what a couple of ways to go!), Kathleen's casaba crowns resemble extra-extended chess pieces. Check 'em out, mate!
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: A lot of gin bottles stuffed with cigarette butts and fastened together by undergarments into which a certain ever-expanding former A-list actress can no longer wedge herself.
BREAST PICTURE:Body Heat (1981)
AKA Boobie Meat
2. Andrea Davis
NIP-NAME: Gargantuan Garden State Gazonga Garnishes
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: Seduction Cinema's stunning up-and-comer is a lean, limber, lusciously natural, and shockingly gorgeous blonde who goes much, much further than any of the powerhouse softcore studio's previous starlets ever have--at least as far as the distance from her terrifically taut teat-meat to the very end of her plump, rosy pastry peakage is concerned.
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM:Misty Mundae doing pull-ups. Forever.
BREAST PICTURE:Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde (2003)
The aforementioned Miss Mundae makes beautiful mouth music on Andrea's hugely inflated ta-ta tubes and has more to work with than at any point since Misty's long-out-of-circulation, up-close, and down-the-throat blowjob scene from Vampire Strangler (1999).
1. Farrah Fawcett (Picture: 1 - 2)
NIP-NAME: Farrah's Faucets
DAIRYLICIOUS DESCRIPTION: The impossibly erect nippleodeons whose powerful protrusion against Farrah's famously too-tight swimsuit peddled a gazillion posters in the '70s also ignited countless male entries into puberty and only increased in legend once the disco era's ultimate blonde bared her weapons-grade milk bombers. What a delirium-inducing duo of devastating warheads!
WHAT YOU COULD HANG OFF THEM: The other nine actresses who have appeared in various venues as Charlie's Angels; David Letterman by the gap in his teeth; the complete collection of Ryan O'Neal's dead brain cells.
BREAST PICTURE:Saturn 3 (1980)
Farrah springs spaceman Kirk Douglas into orgasmic orbit by launching her galaxy-spanning right-side rack rockets at him. Far out, mam!
