by Kent Nostrand
Mike McPadden is the author of If You Like Metallica (Backbeat Books), a reference guide to hundreds of bands, films, books, and other ephemera connected to the most popular hard rock act of all time.
Mr. McPadden has also served, since 2003, as Head Writer at Mr. Skin, overseeing the editorial content of your favorite website and editing Mr. Skin’s Skintastic Video Guide and two volumes of Mr. Skin’s Skincyclopedia. At present, he is working on Heavy Metal Movies: The 666 Most Headbanging Films of All Time From Anvil to Zardoz (Bazillion Points), which will be released in Spring 2013.
In honor of Metallica’s Orion Festival being mounted this weekend in Mr. McPadden’s beloved summertime home state of New Jersey, the 43-year-old, married Wordsmith to the Naked Stars took no time away from his job at Mr. Skin to answer some questions for Mr. Skin:
Kent Nostrand: Congratulations on If You Like Metallica. Who are some famous naked women connected to Metallica to whom Mr. Skin has paid tribute? For more words of heavy metal wisdom from Mr. Skin's headbanger-in-chief, check outHeavy Metal MoviesandIf You Like Metallica...on Facebook, and be sure to pick up a copy ofIf You Like Metallica... onAmazonor at a bookstore near you!
Mike McPadden: Danish beauty Connie Nielsen has been involved with Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich since 2004. She plays Keanu Reeves’ incestuous sister in The Devil’s Advocate (1997) and, overall, I think she’s terrific. I just wish she’d cut a deal with the devil for something other than the worst breast implants of all time.I still wish all women with breast implants would pluck them out and cast them into Hell.
Marianne Faithfull, who sings the cancer-frog “da-dah-dah” parts on the song “The Memory Remains” gets naked in I’ll Never Forget What’s ’Is Name(1967) and the really kickass Girl on a Motorcycle (1968).
Porn star Ginger Lynn Allen stars in the video for the Metallica cover of Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page.” In the ’80s, especially compared to my beloved Traci Lords, Ginger really didn’t do it for me, but I think she’s super hot now doing MILF porn. Along with Debi Diamond, a bit of middle age heft has upped Ginger’s heat factor immeasurably. There is much to be said for post-motherhood nipples. And I’ll always say it.
Metallica is famously cautious about lending its music to movies. Wisely, they allowed “Master of Puppets” to be featured prominently in Old School (2003), which has cinema’s greatest topless KY Jelly wrestling scene with Lisa Donatz and Corinne Kingsbury.
And Metallica’s Orion Festival is taking place in Atlantic City, New Jersey, so let’s throw some lust, as well, to Susan Sarandon in the 1981 movie Atlantic City. She opens the film by rubbing lemons on her luscious watermelons.
KN: What’s the idea behind Heavy Metal Movies?
McP: It’s 666 reviews of movies connected to heavy metal, plus sidebars, interviews and such. So in addition to documentaries and concert films, it includes movies about metal, like This Is Spinal Tap (1984), movies that feature metal prominently, like Maximum Overdrive (1986)as well as movies that incorporate metal themes, like Conan the Barbarian (1982) and Mad Max (1979).
All ’80s slasher movies, like Friday the 13th (1980) and Maniac (1980), are metal. All movies about Satan are metal, from The Exorcist (1973) to Nude for Satan (1974) . Cannibal movies are metal, such as Make Them Die Slowly (1981) and Cannibal Holocaust (1980). Lesbian vampires are metal, whether they’re in Vampyros Lesbos (1970) or The Hunger (1983). Zombies are metalespecially in Zombie (1979) and Dr. Butcher, M.D. (Medical Deviate), aka Zombie Holocaust (1979). Nunsploitation, from The Devils (1971) to Killer Nun (1978), is metal.
Sword and sorcery and post-apocalypse are the two most metal movie genres. Lucio Fulci’s Conan ripoff Conquest (1983) just slays them all. Sabrina Siani is topless the whole time in a gold mask with a live snake slithering all other her pert-nipped booblings. Her boo-yah backside will make you say, “CROM!”
For post-apocalypse, Death Race 2000 (1975) with Mary Woronov comes immediately to mind, as does Charlotte Rampling in Zardoz (1974). But in terms of Mad Max rip-offs, the smiley-face-worshipping hot tub nuns of Rollerblade (1985) are cosmically spectacular.
Naked chicks, of course, are always the most metal.
KN: Who are your favorite naked actresses today?
McP: Not a lot has changed since my 2007 Skinterview. Rainbeaux Smith is still my all-time favorite movie star. Joyce Hyser in Just One of the Guys (1985) is still my all-time favorite nude scene. And Gisele Lindley in Forbidden Zone (1980) still gives my all-time favorite nude performance. My favorite boobs are still monstrously mammoth jamambo jugs such as those belonging to Uschi Digard, along with training-bra-tiny titlets with doorknob-sized nipples like what Jane Birkin was packing.
In terms of newness, I’d really, really like for Kat Dennings to take off her stupid waitress uniform. The leaked cell phone pics were awesome, but let’s witness those Hindenburgs bobbling and flouncing untethered, hah?
I used to pine that way for sitcom actress of sumptuous size Sara Rue to get nude and, since then, she’s done some gland-tastic dairy-dirigible unveilings. She should also keep them coming.
The Mother of Dragons [ Emilia Clarke] from Game of Thrones is great. So is that giant lady-knight [Gwendoline Christie]. She’s got to take that eight-foot high breastplate off at some point. I love Game of Thrones, but I don’t know any of the characters’ actual namesI just come up with shorthand descriptions like “Eunuch,” “Fat Guy”, and “Whoremonger”. It works.
Lady McBeardo will be displeased to read this, but I’m also rooting for Dexter’s sister to flaunt her naked flatness. And then say “fuck” a lot about it. My wife is right there with me on Kat Dennings, though.
KN: What’s next for you?
McP: Selling a lot of copies of If You Like Metallica. So go buy it. Then doing another Skinterview next year to sell Heavy Metal Movies.
