Meet the BeatoffsBy Fanny Tosselberry

Some people's aptitude for cracking groanworthy dirty puns will land them a visit to the principal's office or perhaps a swift smack in the maw. Others, however, may parlay their particular talents into a gig cranking out titty jokes for cash. These are our people. And these are also your people, as they are the contributors who took a bunch of pulp, some ink, and a wealth of skinformative knowledge in regard to celebrities' film appearances in various states of dishabille and miraculously molded it into Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia: The A-to-Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked, which you are presently holding in your hands. (What, you still haven't picked up a copy? For shame! Buy it now here,here,or here!) In the meantime, enjoy the inspirational stories behind the wunderkinds who contributed to the magic.

Mike McPadden
"What miniscule talents I possess," muses Mr. Skin Editorial Director Mike McPadden, "have equipped me for two (and only two) possible means of making a living: entertainment aimed at unusually with-it children OR amusements crafted for sputteringly immature adults. You can conclude in which direction I ultimately went."

Under the pen(is) name Selwyn Harris--a combination of the monikers of two grindhouse theaters on the beloved 42nd Street of Mr. McPadden's hoary youth--he commenced publishing the landmark sleaze zine Happyland in 1991, which led to a freelance gig at The New York Press and, soon enough, the position of Entertainment Editor at Hustler from 1993 to 1995.

And if you're ever watching the X-rated Devil in Miss Jones 5: The Inferno or the late-night Skinemax nugget Animal Instincts 3 and you get to thinking, "This dialogue--what kind of unheralded genius of a screenwriter could have crafted such gold?" . . . well, now you know.

Since then, McPadden has contributed chapters to the books The Factsheet Five Zine Reader and Bubblegum Music Is the Naked Truth. After helming Celebrity Skin magazine for a spell, McPadden was "rescued" from the city he hates most (his hometown, New York) by Mr. Skin, and he's been as happy as a meat-packer in the Mid-West since April 2003.

McPadden composed the initial pitch for Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia, came up with the bulk of its contents, and oversaw the crack team of crackpots who contributed the rest--many of whom he's slept with. He also challenges you to come see his amazingly disgusting rock band Gays in the Military when you're in Chicago, and he wants to offer extra special thanks regarding the Skincyclopedia to Kristina McBride, Kara Edington, and Keara Shipe.

Sam Henderson
Cartoonist, writer, and teen-movie fan Sam Henderson has lent his considerable talents to Nickelodeon, Screw magazine, and everything in between, including Vice, DC Comics, and Celebrity Sleuth. During a year-long tenure as a writer for SpongeBob SquarePants, Sam received an Emmy nomination, making him the only Mr. Skin writer who has something in common with Bea Arthur, aside from that whole "having a wiener" business. "People like me are necessary to show that even Emmy nominees look under couch cushions for spare change," Sam wisely states. Although he loved telling people he wrote for MrSkin.com because everyone assumed that meant he knew Howard Stern, he's remaining mum in regards to his work being included in the book, saying, "I try not to tell anyone, because then it's automatically assumed I'm bigger than I am and more is expected of me." Presently, Sam intermittently does a web comic on serializer.net in addition to his comic, The Magic Whistle. You can check out (and buy!) some of his jaw-dropping, knee-slapping work at comicartcollective.com/henderson and indyworld.com/whistle.

Christian Shapiro
Native Californian Christian Shapiro got his start in the naked-lady-lit biz "like anyone else. I failed in every other endeavor." One of our most prolific and esteemed contributors, he is proud to have his ribald writing included in the Skincyclopedia, yet feels that "my own scribbling is dwarfed by the mass of fanciful and insightful prose that is collected therein. That's the price a middling writer must pay when he is included in a labor of love, which that book obviously qualifies as." When asked if there was anything he'd like to plug, Mr. Shapiro quickly called dibs on Salma Hayek's ass, but he also has a book being published by Feral House Press in late 2005. "The book will be a memoir detailing my nearly twenty years in the employ of Larry Flynt, around a dozen or so of those years in charge of Hustler, and more." If there is any justice in this world, it will be a runaway bestseller. Like The Devil Wears Prada! Only good.

Mario Grillo
Mario Grillo's greatest wish for the Skincyclopedia was that it would outsell the Bible. On Amazon.com on January 6th, it actually did, so here's hoping he can now die a happy man. A Brooklyn, New York, native, he was born "the son of a pony playin', rot-gut ravaged, wanna-be gangster and Golden Gloves winner, who was fond of telling me that 'the apple don't fall far from the tree.' Unfortunately, the son of a bitch was right." Lucky for us, he befriended MrSkin.com's senior editor in college, a meeting that would eventually lead to this porno-mag editor's work being included in our humble book, as well as fulfilling that whole fallen-apple legacy. "In the pantheon of great men there are but few," he solemnly states, "Abraham Lincoln, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the guy who used to be fat but then started eating at Subway, and, of course, Mr. Skin." Mario is available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and any and all freelance work. Check him out on the web: MarioGrillo.com

J.R. Taylor
New York-dweller J.R. Taylor is actually a native of Birmingham, Alabama, "the kind of city where the UHF stations would program entire weeks of Cheri Caffaro and Andy Milligan films." Our current reigning champion of procuring (or attempting to procure) interviews from mainstream stars like Joanna Cassidy and Adrienne Barbeau, he is pleased that he can scan the Skincyclopedia and easily pick out his own prose in addition to recognizing the styles of other writers, saying, "That mix allows the Skincyclopedia to be a really interesting read, instead of simply a long recitation of facts and puns." When asked about his nudie composition qualifications, J.R. explains, "It's tempting to just make a joke about how much I like boobies. However, I honestly think it's important to understand how sexual mores and personal politics have kept colliding throughout pop culture. Also, I like boobies. Seriously." Want more J.R. Taylor? Of course you do. Get your fix at NYPress.com, where he pens a long-running and hee-haw-hi-larious column.

L.A. Simington
The lively, loquacious, and ever-quotable Ms. Simington has contributed to Ramp and Celebrity Skin but credits her MrSkin.com work for turning her from timid to a tigress: "I was flat till I turned fluffy writing for Mr. Skin. For some reason, writing about half-naked nookie turns me into a deviant Dr. Seuss." Her unique talent for turning out anatomical puns has even weaseled its way into her everyday vocabulary, and she finds it difficult to eat a delicious bite of food without exclaiming, "This is the breast I've ever had!" This St. Louis local grew up in the (literal) shadow of her sister's outsized orbs and the power they wielded but realized her own authority laid not in her bra but in her salacious silver tongue. She explains, "Never achieving the super-sacked success of my sister, working for Mr. Skin has been my saving grace in making me realize that the pen just may be mightier than the boob. And it never sags. I'll die knowing I had the ability to virtually give men a hard-on, or at least engorge their funny bone."

Ellen Blum
Ellen Blum doesn't even have to try when dreaming up risqu?uns--they come as naturally to her as breathing. "Some people are just born that way," she says. "It's a gift AND a curse." A Chicago native currently residing in New York, she presently works as an artist, writer, and set designer. "I'm really proud that I was asked to write the celebrity profiles and reviews for some of the most kick-ass B-movies ever," she tells us. "I'm especially proud of the profile I wrote for actress Gilda Texter in Vanishing Point, and also the profile on the female bodybuilder Raye Hollitt--it's sort of a badge of honor that I was assigned to some of the, uhhh let's say, less conventional beauties in the buff for Mr. Skin." Ellen may be quick-witted with the double entendres, but she's no slouch with a paintbrush either; you can view and purchase her fine paintings at art4love.com.

Peter Landau
If you're a regular reader of MrSkin.com's weekly interviews and features, you're undoubtedly no stranger to the name Peter Landau. A veritable literary demon and meeter of deadlines, he got his start selling a story to Screw magazine, and his work has since appeared in such publications as Entertainment Weekly, Hustler, Vanity Fair, GQ, Barely Legal, and New York Press, among others. Basically, what we're saying here is that Peter has pretty much written everything you've read in your entire life. We're not quite sure how he found the time to contribute to the Skincyclopedia, but we're certainly glad--and lucky--that he did. "The book is hee-larious, but I can't take credit for all those laughs," he tells us. "[Editorial Director Mike] McPadden took on the Herculean task of punching up the freelance copy to a comic T-KO." Peter lives in Los Angeles with Helena Harvilicz and their two sons, Simon and Ira.


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