“I like big butts and I cannot lie,” rhapsodized Sir Mix-A-Lot in “Baby Got Back,” his 1992 smash single that simply cannot be overlooked when composing a paean to the limitless pleasures of lusciously large-scaled female posteriors.
Of course, legendary metal mavens Spinal Tap had already kicked open that back door lyrically via their opus “Big Bottom,” which declares: “The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’ / The looser the waistband / the deeper the quicksand / My love gun's loaded and she's in my sights / Big game's waiting there inside her tights!”
Super-sized female seat meat has indeed inspired music, poetry, and innumerable passions through the ages.
And even now, in an era where women seem bent on shrinking their bodies to the point of shapelessness, monumental mud flaps prove to be as worthy of worship as ever.
Just witness the booming success of the following bodacious-bottomed starlets.
Would their beauty pack the same wallop if they weren’t so bombastically blessed in the behind?
Mr. Skin thinks not, and so please join him as he appreciatively drops to his knees in the back-porch shade of Hollywood’s most delectably hefty-heinied hotties.
KIM KARDASHIAN
ALI-ASS: Kim Large-Ass-ian
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): Armenian-American eyeful (and skirt-ful) Kim Kardashian presently reigns as 21st-century Tinseltown’s Titanic Tush Queen. Volcanically voluptuous, with mountainous mammaries very much in keeping with her ravishing rear, the daughter of O.J. Simpson attorney Robert Kardashian (and step-daughter of Olympian oddball Bruce Jenner) has exposed her knockout naked form in a sex tape released by Vivid Video, a Playboy spread, and by pulling down her pants to mega-moon the camera on her own reality TV series, Keeping up with the Kardashians. Talk about smokin’ crack!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
ALI-ASS: Rear-Port o’ Rico
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): In her pop hit “Jenny from the Block,” Puerto Rican powerhouse Jennifer Lopez maintains that she remains the same simple girl from the Bronx that she was before scoring huge success in movies, music, fashion design, and, best of all, bringing heat back to booty shaking. And the object that most propelled Jenny to stardom is no “block”it’s a perfectly round, illustriously abundant orb. La Lopez flashes her firm headlights in both 1) and ), but, to date, she’s somehow managed to keep her chugging A-train from turning up naked. Still, you can revel in the size and shape of her most valuable thing in her music video Love Don’t Cost a Thing.
BEYONC KNOWLES
ALI-ASS: Destiny’s Derriere
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: )
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): Black, brazen, often blonde, and with a scrumptious set of earthquake hips, Beyonc Knowles is truly one of the most towering figures in today’s RB sceneRumpadocity Bootyliciousness, that is! In addition to topping the music charts, the former lead diva of Destiny’s Child has grown from the bottom into an A-list (in every sense) movie sensation. Beyonc brings serious heat to the comedies Austin Powers in Goldmember and The Pink Panther, but it’s her boob-tube performance on Saturday Night Live that’s the butt shaker to beat (off to).
JENNA VON OY
ALI-ASS: Backdoor Blossom
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY: Oy! That little Six grew up to sport one gigantically beauteus gluteus! Jenna von O did first capture our hearts as Mayim Bialik’s numerically monikered sidekick on the classic ’90s teen sitcom Blossom. But(t) it was Jenna who truly blossomedfrom behind! In 1999 Jenna costarred on the African-American-centric series The Parkers, sporting a squatter that was huger and hotter than many of the show’s most sultry soul sisters. To see her was to long to be a rear Parker. When Jenna brought her humungous haunch to the big screen, she filled the frame fabulously. Check out her peel down (to undies) and lap dance in the thriller Truth Be Told.
KERRY WASHINGTON
ALI-ASS: Chocolate Thunder Down Under
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): It has been written: “The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” Deep-cocoa-hued 1) and rocks a thong like Mount Tush-more (Picture: 1). She also flashes her fundament in the tantalizingly titled 1). Still, you haven’t experienced this Washington Monument in all its chiseled, overpowering allure until you see Kerry bottomless in The Last King of Scotland. That will really blow your bagpipes.
SALMA HAYEK
ALI-ASS: South-of-the-Border Badonkadonk
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): Mexican mama-seat-a 1) and bisexual biopic 1) are the best places to see Salma’s mam-nificent breast places. For terrific tastes of Salma’s stupendously super-stuffed panty burritos, though, check out her crack attack in Wild Wild West and the skinny-dip scene from Ask the Dust. You could drown in that thing!
IDINA MENZEL
ALI-ASS: Rent Rump
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): Broadway bombshell Idina Menzel dropped her drawers on stage in the live theatrical production of the enduringly popular belting bohemians musical Rent. Patrons seated in the lucky section got a searing view of brickhouse-built Idina’s enormously inviting backside. Perhaps bolstered by awestruck audiences, Idina repeats her bumcake-baring feat in the movie adaptation of Rent, leaping up on a restaurant table and mesmerizingly peeling down her pants to point her voluminous naked posterior directly into the camera. Standing, sitting, or after passing out, you’re guaranteed to give Idina’s performance an “O”.
AMANDA ADAY
ALI-ASS: Meaty Loaves
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): She’s the daughter of operatic rock monster Meatloaf, and what her old man is to thunderous FM-radio anthems, Amanda Aday is to full-bodied flesh-bomb exposure. Check out her big top and beautifully bulky bottom as she dances in a girly-show tent on the HBO series Carnivle. She shakes her massive moneymaker(s) next to tiny-heinied Carla Gallo, and the contrast of their opposite, but equally exquisite, forms makes for a visual feastwith a double portion of butt steak as the main entre, of course.
SACHA HORLER
ALI-ASS: Oz-some Outback
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): Plush-bodied Australian sexpot 1), a Down Under drama with a title wondrously evocative of its leading lady’s deliciously squeezable physique. For a chance to sink your teeth into Sacha’s decadently dirigible-sized sitter, however, let us now praise the film Praise. There Sacha shows off both her mighty milk bazookas and fluffy muff again, but she also treats us to a host of her hot butter biscuits while riding man rod.
KATE WINSLET
ALI-ASS: Titanic Tailpipe
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): Scrumptious English muffin Kate Winslet boasts the distinction of baring her bosom in the most popular box-office phenomenon in cinema history, 1). Alas, that’s just one naked highlight in Kate’s career, which is rich with nude displays of her curvaceous creampuff of a body. For the most outstanding gander at her glutes, the award goes to the biopic Iris, where Kate skinny-dips and then bends down in direct sight of the camera. Forget that sinking luxury liner; let’s toast to Kate’s none-too-little, absolutely opulent caboose!
POSTHUMOUS POSTERIOR AWARD
ANNA NICOLE SMITH
ALI-ASS: Tex-Ass Tuchis, R.I.P.
MOST FANNY-TASTIC APPEARANCE: 1)
THE NOT-TOO-SKINNY (WHERE IT COUNTS): When plus-sized Playboy icon 1) and 1), although the go-to resource for Guess Jeans’ most generously endowed model at her most resplendently raw is Anna Nicole Smith Exposed: Her Fantasy Revealed. Not only do we see Anna engaging in lesbian bubble-bath bliss with Ahmo Hight, but the entire production is chockfull of shots of the dearly departed’s colossal keister. R.I.P., A.N.S.’s TA.
