We love Judy McGuire. Not like we "love" Krispy Kremes or girls who wear cutoffs so short the pockets hang out the bottom, but like we love oxygen. Or water. Or unscented hand lotion (the scented kind is just weird). In other words, we need Judy McGuire in our lives.

Judy is the fantastically funny (and filthy) author of Soft Skull Press's The Official Book of Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roll Lists, which compiles everything from Ozzy Osbourne's cure for athlete's foot (cocaine, obviously) to 8 bands named after man-milk (Pearl Jam, anyone?). It's a perfect companion for the nightstand, the knapsack or next to the porcelain throne- anywhere where a quick fix of hilarity would be appreciated.

Judy is also a noted sexpert who dishes out advice for the Seattle Weekly's Dategirl column, hosts The Mike & Judy Show with fellow Skinterviewee Mike Edison, wrote the compendium of nightmare dates How Not to Date, and gives a killer faux photo-booth BJ, as demonstrated at left.

We talked to Judy at her home in New York City, where she provided her (s)expert opinion on Animal House, making peace between wives and porn, and which list was just too filthy to make the cut (hint: lots of lube is involved):

SKIN CENTRAL: Hi Judy! Do you remember the first movie nude scene you ever saw? What were the circumstances?

JUDY MCGUIRE: I believe there were boobs in Animal House. This was my first R-rated movie and I was with my super-Catholic mom and my little sister, so I recall the handjob scene being intensely uncomfortable..

SC: As a professional advice columnist: what's the best way for men who are into porn (ie, all of them) to approach the subject with squeamish girlfriends/wives?

JMcG: Sure, there are women who find porn disgusting, and there are plenty who like it, but the ones who hate it tend to be far more vocal. I’ve even heard from some ladies who consider beating it to porn to be a form of infidelity. Uh, no.

If we rule out the porn that is actually (IMHO) disgustingscat that kind of thingI think the biggest problem women have is that they compare themselves to the women on film. Not many of us have porn-star bods. But if the men in their lives would lavish praiseand sexon their wives or girlfriends it would go a long way towards alleviating the grief. Jerking off to porn is a lot easier than seducing a wife, and guys run into trouble when they neglect their wives in favor of BurningAngel.com or whatever.

SC: What is the optimum combination of sex, drugs rock n' roll in order to be cool, but not die?

JMcG: Moderation may not be the most fun answer, but it really is an effective survival strategy. So moderation and also avoiding the opiate family altogether.

SC: How did you brainstorm the lists for the book, and were there any that didn't make the cut?

JMcG:Unfortunately, Jiz Lees fantastic contribution “Four Songs About Fisting,” was deemed too filthy by both publishers! Who doesn’t love fisting?

SC: You have a lot of awesome guests who contributed lists to the book. Was there anybody you were really surprised got back to you?

JMcG: All my contributors were equally amazing, but some of the surprises were the people I approached blind. Like Andrew W.K.never met him, just sent him an email. He was a total sweetheart and completely professional and fun. Though I never dealt with her directly, Coco’s people were fantastic. I’ve always adored Gwar so when Oderus Urungus took time out from smoking crack and banging space virgins to write the intro, I was honored. But really, everyone was wonderful.

SC: How can we get more Judy?

JMcG: I write a sex and love advice column called “Dategirl” for the Seattle Weekly (read it HERE), do a weekly radio show called The Mike Judy Show (listen to it HERE), and have a blog, a Tumblr, AND I’m on Twitter. Phew!

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