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Jersey Shore Massacre

Jersey Shore Massacre (2014)

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Review

Guidos and guidettes are running for their lives in the comedy horror flick Jersey Shore Massacre (2014). A rather obvious attempt to cash in on MTV's monster reality television hit, Jersey Shore, this one doesn't actually take place on the shores of New Jersey, at all. After getting the boot from their Seaside Heights beach rental house by their stoner landlord Ronny (Ron Jeremy), Teresa (Danielle Dallacco) and her overly tanned pals Joanne (Nicole Rutigliano), Valerie (Ashley Mitchell), Gigi (Christina Scaglione), Candi (Nicky Figueredo), Sandy (Nikki Delano), and Dina (Angelica Boccella) end up shacking up at Teresa’s Uncle Vito’s (Dominic Lucci) hideaway deep in the woods of New Jersey, along with five gym-built fist pumping douche bags—Tony (Giovanni Roselli), Freddy (Chris Lazzaro), Vinnie (Brenton Duplessie), Joey (John Michael Hastie), and Gino (Brett Azar). The plan is to party hard, get laid, maybe chow down on some pasta and pizza along the way. But since the word “massacre” is in the title, and the gaggle of guidos and guidettes are in a secluded location, you can probably guess where this one's going. Eventually, a cannibalistic creep ends up in the woods with them and starts single-handily killing the annoying Jersey jerks, in some of the most horrific and skin-baring ways imaginable. Looks like we've got ourselve a situation! Luckily for us, before the killing starts these GTL loving guidos were totally DTF. Try not to get ‘em mixed up, but Nicole Rutigliano and Nicky Figueredo compete for the most breast-exposing scenes, but Figueredo wins the competition with a T&A-filled shower scene. Nicole's the busty brunette that's the thinner of the two, who we see take her top off to screw before getting stabbed mid-ride. That humping will have you doing the fun kind of fist pumping! Nicky's pretty clearly supposed to be Snooki, since she's got that meatball you wanna go balls deep inside body style. Last but certainly not least, Nikki Delano gives us a dark and brief look at her mams before she succumbs to a life-ending slash from the nutso with a knife. The glandular-gifted guidettes of Jersey Shore Massacre will have you turning everyday into jerk-day! Yeah buddy!