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“America’s favorite sandwich is honored on September 18th with a slice of cheese,” observes the DayCalendar. “It’s National Cheeseburger Day!”

“Fire. The Wheel. A hamburger with cheese,” remarks the L.A. Times. “Pasadena has staked its claim as the birthplace of one of mankind’s greatest discoveries with the launch of Cheeseburger Week. Legend has it that 16-year-old short order cook Lionel Clark Sternberger invented the cheeseburger on this fateful day in 1924 at the Rite Spot, his grandfather’s Pasadena, California roadside fruit, tobacco and hamburger stand off of Colorado Boulevard.

As recounted by Serious Eats.com: “Young Lionel accidentally burned a burger patty, but saved it by covering the beef blemish with a stray slice of American cheese. Fortunately, the customer loved it”—and his father didn’t find out about the faux pa. History was made when Sternberger {the ideal name for the inventor} “added this emergency item to his main menu and the cheeseburger was born.”

Success was so immediate that the family was able to open up a revamped Rite Spot “on the same grounds by the late 1920s or early ’30s.”

Lionel used the rising revenue from his food creation to buy an apartment at 6148 N. Figueroa Street, Unit 34CD—foreshadowing the number of ‘stacked’ cheeseburgers busty starlets would later live on in Hollywood.

The melted mouthful was popular enough that Sternberger was able to ride to work with renowned race car driver—and flame broiled fan—“Wild Bill” Cummings, fresh off his victory in the 1934 Indianapolis 500! That’s lucky Lionel with the Disneyesque mustache at right in the roadster.

Cummings would be going just 5 years later when he plunged his passenger car 50 feet into Lick Creek in Indy and died … but Sternberger would continue making cheeseburgers for another three decades, joined by ‘beloved’ wife Helen in heaven 10 years later—having changed the world. “The cheeseburger may not be regarded in the same way as passing a major new law,” feels food lecturer Andrew F. Smith of NYU, “but it sure made a difference in people’s lives.” So may they rest in peace.

Lionel’s tombstone tells that his “one desire” was “truth” … and the head of Carl’s Jr. recently told it like it is: “What’s more American than a cheeseburger?”

Alas, Sternberger hadn’t called it that—opting for “cheese hamburger”—though the Pasadena Museum of History has uncovered a menu from the Rite Spot in the mid-’30s that listed the “Aristocratic Burger: the Original Hamburger with Cheese” for 15 cents.

A thousand miles away, in Denver, Louis Ballast was “trying to find some new ways to jazz up the humble hamburger” at his Humpty Dumpty Barrel Drive-In: “His tinkerings included peanut butter (hello Elvis Burger!),” explains Cheese-Burger.net, “and even a melted Hershey’s chocolate bar. Then he tried a single slice of American cheese, and the gods smiled on him. Customers immediately gobbled up the new offering.

“Ballast sensed he had a winner on his hands,” the sizzling site sums up, “so on March 5, 1935, he filed an Application and Affidavit for Registration of a Food Trademark. Louis Ballast, a high school dropout (at center, below left), had just officially trademarked the word ‘cheeseburger.’”

Unfortunately, he spelled it with a small ‘c’ on the application … and thus “never tried to enforce the trademark or exclusivity rights to the name.” Says Ballast’s son David: “He didn’t know what the procedure was and couldn’t follow up to keep other people from using the word” as the topping treat “became all the rage across the country.” Ironically, the Humpty Dumpty became a topless club in 1974 … then burned to the ground in a fire {guess the girls were hotter than the ground beef!}. Today, the only ‘leftover’ is a stone marker in the abandoned parking lot (above right).

As usual, Hollywood helped to influence the popular culture—and in 1948 when a devout Christian family named Snyder opened “the first drive-thru hamburger stand in California, allowing drivers to place orders using a two-way speaker system” {rather than carhops taking orders and bringing the food}, it revolutionized restaurants.

To indicate that the food came “fast,” the Snyders called their Baldwin Park outlet In-N-Out Burger … and one of their first famous fans—and soon the face of the franchise—was a rising young starlet you might recognize:

Today, their most devoted and outspoken customer is singer Selena Gomez—note the suggestive slurping and arrow to her orifice (below right)—who landed in a Monte Carlo hospital suffering from ‘malnutrition’ in June 2011 while on tour in Europe: “Oh goodness,” she let frenzied fans know, “I missed In-N-Out for sure!”

After recovering with “several Double Cheeses,” Selena suddenly slipped a nip onstage (above left). First it was In … N then … it was Out!

But even more than famous fans, what sells cheeseburgers today is amorous advertising. Indeed, everything about the double-decker delight is erotic—from suggestive names like the ‘Stacker’ …

… to acrobatic appetizers akin to a hot threesome called ‘Sliders” {don’t fry this at home!}

Yet it’s the sales pitches that are truly salacious. “Adolescent, nubile girl parts have no relation to or bearing upon the quality of an angus burger,” huffed the Huffington Post in January 2013. “Carl’s Jr. {in some states called Hardee’s} knows this, but they want to confuse the football-watching public into thinking that consumption of their product leads to prurient adventure. We’ve eaten thousands of cheeseburgers, and not one of them came with runway models on the side.”

But that same year’s Super Bowl ad from Carl’s Jr. sure did … when Danish Victoria’s Secret supermodel Nina Agdal—Titanic Leonardo’s latest flame—broiled her bod (above). “Nina can be seen devouring a cheeseburger while oiled up in a black string bikini on the beach,” gushed the Daily Mail. “There are plenty of sexy shots of Agdal’s ample bosom and pert bottom as she reclines on the sand. The runway model chows down on the charbroiled burger while taking her bikini top off to get a better tan line” (below).

Other models quickly followed {birthday} suit, with Californian Kate Compton pair•oneering the Burger Bra with two ‘Double-Doubles’ from In-N-Out.

Signed by the Vision Los Angeles agency, Kate puts her 32C-24-34 stats in her model profile, but lists that she “doesn’t shoot nudes.” Hence her keeping them under wraps …

“If you are a man and you don’t eat pussy,” the plain-spoken blonde tweeted a lover a year ago, “then Ima assume u like sucking dick. I’m not mad, just be real with yourself boo. Fuck the bullshit.” In that case, Sleuth should point out that he un•wrapped curvy Compton during this climate change that could have dressed up our most recent post for Gun Day!

On the opposite coast, New York model Lindsey Jennings posted a pic on Instagram that she captioned: “being fucking disgusting with Wendy” (below left). Calling herself “Infamous and Inked,” the multi hue-haired burger buff also lists similar measurements in her model profile (34C-24-34) … and also insists “no nudes.” Saycheese …

“I’ve started this amazing new detox diet,” Lindsey recently wrote on Tumblr. “What you do is cleanse yourself from all toxic body ideals and eat whatever the fuck you want (below left). Clearly, she doesn’t just eat ‘meat’ {below right, cleansing with fellow Suicide Girl, Neptune}. So it’s fitting that Burger King now features a giant 4-patty Suicide Burger, but warns: “You may want to bring a friend for back-up.”

Which brings us back to the ol’ In-N-Out!

Guess we know what that ‘special sauce’ refers to …

And the cream, it seems, is usually delivered orally … as in this opening gam•bit from Miss June 2013 AudreyAleen Allen.

Not to be outdone, Burger King came up with a Whopper: “Eating a BK ‘Super Seven Incher’ Is Just Like Giving a Blow Job” headlined Gawker when this super suck•gestive series ran in Singapore:

Facing “financial woes” (from Five Guys and other new comers), the company tried this “edgy” ad that watchdog CopyRanter termed ‘the most overtly blow-jobby ad I’ve ever seen.” As Gawker gulped: “Just look at what the wizards over there have come up with now to stop BK’s bleeding! I mean, what better way to sell oblong meat sandwiches than by suggesting fellatio?!”

“Burger King Wants to Feed You Seven Inches of Meat,” piled on Sunance TV. “Yes, it’s implying exactly what you think it is.” And that’s what the blonde used in the ad—without her permission or even knowledge—thought too … so she posted a video on YouTube titled Burger King Raped My Face as part of the blow back:

“Is this an ad for blowjobs or fast food?” the Canadian cutie, calling herself ‘Jane Doe,’ begins her rant.

“Burger King found my photo online from a series I did of various facial expressions and contortion poses …

… and with no due regard to me as a person, profited off reducing me to an orifice for their penis sludge. Nice family restaurant you’re running there, Burger King.”

And she signed off with the hashtag #SuckOnYourOwnSlimySevenIncher.

For its part, the company spokesman claimed “the ad campaign went down well.” {You can’t make this stuff up!} And actually, the shot wasn’t that different from the publicity over the world’s fattest burger:

Or the longest … as sexy singer/songwriter Nykee Heaton hoists a single cheeseburger in bed while eyeing In-N-Out’s tumescent 100-patty record holder.

Kim K knows a lot more about a BJ than BK … but she nearly choked when Pipedream Products piggy-backed on her Carl’s Jr. salad commercial by putting out a Kinky Kim Filthy Inflatable Love Doll in 2010 with a lookalike on the cover munching a cheeseburger.

Kardashian claimed the doll “is modeled after her—thus violating her right of privacy.”

And the porn product description didn’t help the company’s case: “Meet Kinky Kim, the busty bubble butt bimbo who has had more dark meatin her than a bucket of fried chicken! This dirty diva wants you to stick it in her face and get it all over the place—in her crack or on her back, between her thighs or in her eyes, in her snatch or down her hatch!”

Sure seems inspired by KK's salad days back in 2009:

“We used Kim Kardashian in an ad,” recalled the CEO of Carl’s Jr., Andy Puzder. But Kim couldn’t really eat the meat well. Luckily we had a salad we were promoting, so we used Kim in that ad.”

But don’t expect a call back. “If we had not been promoting a salad,” Puzder proclaims, “we probably never would’ve done an ad with Kim Kardashian, because she wasn’t good at eating the burger.”

A blew•phemism if ever we’ve heard one.

And speaking of lawsuits, even In-N-Out was nearly thrust into one: Abigail Ratchford’s In-N-Out video is literally the hottest thing we have ever seen in our lives,” stammered Soccer123.com. Sample her taste treats for yourself:

“Unfortunately not everyone thinks so, like In-N-Out. According to TMZ, the burger chain really wants the provocative promo to be taken down, and if it isn’t immediately, says it will likely serve up a lawsuit.”

“Lawyers fired off a letter sent to the model’s producer saying they’ve been flooded with complaints over the video showing Abi in ‘various sexually suggestive acts with In-N-Out food.’ At first viewing (second, third and fourth too),” TMZ tittered, “the clip might seem like a great plug, but the burger bosses are worried customers will they’re in bed with Ratchford.” Well, they do seem similarly stacked:

“I guess they’re like a Christian company or something,” was the 36DD-24-36 pride of Pennsylvania’s reply (with a vocal fry). “I didn’t know this, but if you look at their packaging, some will have Bible verses.”

Such as John 3:16 on the soda cups—“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son” {the father’s son CEO Richard Snyder died in a 1993 plane crash}.

And the wrap used for the ‘Double-Double’—two burger patties and two slices of cheese—bears the annotation Nayum 1:7 {“The Lord knoweth them that trust in him”}.

Lettuce pray it goeth no further, since ravishing Ratchford wants to join hands: “My message to In-N-Out is that this was just done in good fun, just to be a 15-second Instagram video that we planned on going viral—and it’s gone viral,” she laughs. “I’m sorry, but I still love your cheeseburgers and milkshakes.”

And her ‘milkshakes’ still bring all the boys to the drive-thru!

Now that’s what I call a Happy Meal … and a fitting END to the first phase of our National Cheeseburger Day feast.

Ass is that of surfing sensation Anastasia Ashley above, who lent a hand in the sand for Carl’s Jr.

“Look at that booty!” exclaimed her date mate, Sean Stewart, son of rocker Rod on their reality show. “God I’d love to lay her back.” And front …

Part Two will serve up the Best Burger Queens from TV and movies -- and will be ‘up’ in a few shakes ...