Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes (2007)

Since scientists using the Hubble telescope first measured sex-ray radiation emanating from the dark matter at the edge of our galaxy, Hollywood has been looking for the perfect sci-fi script to showcase this new discovery. Finally, in 2007, The Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes came along and offered just such an opportunity. You'll make your own gooey mess when Taffy (Nicole Sheridan) finds a pair of sex-ray glasses and gets pulled and twisted like her saltwater namesake into every sexual position and variation imaginable. Like director Fred Olen Ray's other movies Bikini Airways (2002) and 13 Erotic Ghosts (2003), this straight-to-DVD gem has all the lesbian lap lunches, bouncing breasticles, and waxed wontons you can (and will) shake your stick at. Look out especially for fuchsia-maned female-fondler Shannon Kelly (the carpet doesn't match the drapes) getting some convincing cunning linguistics from Daisy Marie. If this script was penned by science-fiction legend Arthur C. Clarke, the dialogue for this scene might have gone something like this: "Daisy, Daisy, what are you going to do? Lick that lady, because she's a lesbo too! Her hair looks like it's on fire, but you're a great muff diver. And she'll look sweet, with your face as a seat, on a massage table built for two!"