By Col. Tobias McGleaner, ret.
Children should be seen and not heard; women should be obscene and not heard.
That's my philosophy and it's written inside the cover of the McGleaner Bible, which my family has handed down over the generations.
That Good Book's hallowed pages are smeared with the blood of many a mighty man that has made the ultimate sacrifice for our beloved country. Yes, those words are printed in the gore of my family line.
Don't like it? Lump it!
My decorated service to the US of A is a matter of public record, but less known is how I've serviced the undecorated ladies of the US of T&A.
I'll forgive a multitude of sins for a pair of hefty chest-bags. I salute the spread eagle - it doesn't even have to be bald. But I'll gaffer-tape shut even the prettiest mouth when it spews unpatriotic babble. Hell, that still leaves a couple of open holes with which to grease my love gun.
Yes, women should be obscene, but when they talk dirty, it had better not be to soil the reputation of this great country.
Mr. Skin caught me ranting to my American Legion cronies and asked that I share my unique perspective with the rabid readers of his sinsational site. I told Mr. Skin -- who is himself an upstanding American hero -- that it would be my honor, especially in this election year.
See, I've got a proposition to place on the coming ballet. What we as a nation need is to repeal is the 19th Amendment and get women out of the polling booth and into the buddy booth!
And so the following is my assessment of Hollywood's most loudmouthed left-wing ladies, arranged alphabetically by last name, as well as the McGleaner prescription for setting each one straight -- but not quite so straight that they won't entertain this old trench-dog with the occasional girl-girl grapple. Now that's a tradition as American as baseball, apple pie and banging somebody else's mom.
ROSANNE BARR (Picture: )
More is more when it comes to women and Heaven knows there's a lot of Roseanne to wrap yourself around. To boot, Rosanne's toilet mouth only makes me hotter but, back in the '90s, when she started made fun of MTV hostess Kennedy, I had alls I could stand, 'cause I couldn't stands no more!
Kennedy may share a name with the most infamous political clan this country's produced, but she shares none of their ivory-tower delusional thinking. The bespectacled rock-and-roll beanpole even went so far as to have the GOP's elephant symbol tattooed on her tuchus during a live MTV broadcast!
Kennedy is as flat as a board and she gets me stiff as one, too.
Guess I'll have to Barr Rosanne from my bedroom.
How To Make Her Right: I'd love to arrange a meeting between Rosanne and Kennedy in bed.
CANDICE BERGEN (Picture: )
I used to love watching Candice's father, Edgar Bergen, make magic with his ventriloquist dummies Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd. And while he played with wooden dolls, his daughter grew up to give me a woody!
Back in the early '90s, Candy's sitcom, Murphy Brown, was a nice distraction if I couldn't get any dirty pay-for-view on the screen.
But I boycotted the show when she turned amoral and had a child out of wedlock. I supported our Vice President Dan Quayle's condemnation and flushed Murphy Brown like I would Doody Brown.
How To Make Her Right: I'd do the proper thing and marry Murphy Brown to give that bastard a father!
SHERYL CROW (Picture: )
Sheryl's got a fine set of lungs on her. That's even when she's not singing. It helps that Sheryl's rock-chick persona gives me a rocking boner.
But then this sweet songbird starts cooing rhetoric like there's going to be "huge karmic retribution" for America's war with Iraq. What the hell does that mean? I looked up karma in the dictionary. It means "duty." Yeah, that's right -- it's bird shit!
How To Make Her Right: It's time for Sheryl to sing the praises of the McGleaner penis. After a getting well-versed in that faith, her karma will be walking bowlegged.
CAMERON DIAZ (Picture: )
Remember that paparazzi shot of Cameron topless in the surf with Matt Dillon? Those were the days, back when this blonde spitfire was just a trophy who happily adorned on some lucky stud's zipper.
Now Cammy's a star and, like the rest of the Hollywood hot-air bags, she has to set an example for us poor, benighted little people.
Check her out riding around smug in her Toyota Prius hybrid car. If that vehicle ran of feelings of self-importance, Cameron would never have to stop at the pump (though I'd still like to pump her with my super-octane sperm).
How To Make Her Right: What Cameron needs is to be driven wild by a man who runs on pure sexual gasoline (and a little gastric-intestinal tooting, too - I can't help that half my guts have been removed after being lacerated by shrapnel!).
ESTHER (formerly known as MADONNA) (Picture: )
How I miss the Madonna of the Sex book era and Like a Virgin. I like-a virgins, too! Back then, Maddie knew what men liked, and we liked a lot of what she calls the moist.
Then our hole-y mother turned all mystical and I could no longer justify my love. The final straw was recently when she campaigned for Wesley Clark as the Democratic candidate for president.
I served under Clark in 'Nam and the boys used to refer to him as "Clark Bar," because whenever he saw combat -- which wasn't often -- he'd fill his drawers with something resembling that gooey treat.
Madonna keeps her body in great shape. Too bad her mind's gone to mush.
How To Make Her Right: It's time for Madonna to worship at the Temple of McGleaner, where the offering goes in the mouth hard and comes out soft and sticky.
JANE FONDA (Picture: )
Jane, such an all-America name, such an all-American body - such a waste of meat!
Wonder if "Hanoi" Jane would have been as cuddly with Charlie if she spent a year in a bamboo box half-submerged in the sweltering jungle?
The only thing that kept me going when I endured just such a predicament were my memories of Ann-Margret's panty-less performance for the troops. She had me rallying 'round my flagpole and, subsequently, the resulting protein kept me strong enough to finally overcome my captors.
Still, I've never overcome my distaste for turncoat Jane.
How To Make Her Right: I'd like to play POW with Jane for a while. If she's into guerrilla warfare, well, I'll go ape on her ass!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG (Picture: )
I couldn't say who I'd rather share raunchy RR with, Whoopi Goldberg or Goldberg the wrestler. Not that I don't like a woman with curves and a bit of cushion for the pushing. It's just that after making Whoopi, the inane chitchat would start.
See, one I pulled out my G.I. Joe, Whoopi might start spouting nonsense like she has in the past, such as that communism is good and it works.
I've killed more communists than Whoopi's donated money to. And when I'm stomping the last life's breath from those godless comrades, the only thing that works is their bowels as they soil themselves before meeting their maker.
How To Make Her Right: One thing I agree with the commies on is sharing the wealth. So, Whoopi, if you're reading this, there's more than enough McGleaner to go around.
JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS (Picture: )
Julia was the only one I'd like to yada, yada, yada with on Seinfeld -- well, I'm a bit of a fatty-chaser so I wouldn't throw Newman out of bed. Ha! But seriously, Julia has that slutty character that attracted me to the city broads when I was tighter than a sailor's pants on leave in NYC.
Julia's a little firecracker, but she's also a lot cracked. "I'm a devout environmentalist and a bleeding-heart liberal," she beams from her eco-friendly mansion in Santa Barbara, California.
A while back, I was training for the Iron Man competition in Malibu, jogging by Julia's self-righteously contemptible temple to her own self-worth.
For kicks, I strangled a dolphin in the surf and threw the carcass on her tropical hardwood (certified from sustainable forests) porch.
I think Flipper really flipped her out!
How To Make Her Right: The most earth-friendly heat source is right between my legs, and there's no reason for Julia to conserve its consumption.
BEBE NEUWIRTH (Picture: )
Bebe is a babe, boy. She's got gams that don't stop and a dancer's body I'd like to do the horizontal boogie-woogie with. But once you get to her head, everything sours.
A few years ago, I was working this USO tour through Manhattan and across the street there was a charity event on Broadway.
Always a sucker to talk up a chorus girl, I wandered backstage at this event and started gabbing with my old pal Mayor Rudy Giuliani. He was really hurt because Bebe dropped out of the engagement to show support for Hillary Clinton's 2000 campaign for the Senate.
And who's triumphant now? Rudy rallied the city after the Twin Towers were toppled by terrorists. Bebe's twin towers fell flat at puberty -- and, in one fell swoop, she missed the opportunity both to work with the city's greatest leader, as well as to mount the machine-gun of the best lover the Big Apple has ever hosted.
How To Make Her Right: I'm not saying that Rudy and I have swung together, but it may help Bebe get a new perspective on Rudy if she tripped the light fantastic in bed with him. He's a hero with a hero-sandwich-sized pants plaything that's sure to satisfy.
ROSIE O'DONNELL (Picture: )
I got nothing against lesbians well, I'd like to get myself against some of them. But I'm talking about the "lipstick lesbians," which is just a fancy way of saying hot chicks doing other hot chicks.
Now,Rosie is a blooming horror show. Not only is she big enough to feed all the starving children of the Third World, she wants to adopt them too!
Yes, I've had two mothers -- but it was in bed!
Between stealing our children and then exposing them to Boy George, who she financed in some Broadway bomb, I'd say everything is not coming up Rosie!
How To Make Her Right: I'd show Rosie how God intended babies to come into this world, which might not turn her off the joys lesbianism but I'll wager we'd be engaging in a whole lot of dirty threesomes!
YOKO ONO (Picture: )
"I've never heard of you, John Lennon, leader of the famous Beatles!"
Another great American hero, Howard Stern, imagines that those were the first words Yoko Ono spoke upon meeting her famous fallen husband. Stern could use a regulation military haircut, but he's a funny guy with a lot to say, and I say he nails this flower-power version of a gold-digger dead on the money!
Today, Yoko has Lennon's millions and uses it to support pinko-lefty causes. And this after we Americans supplied sanctuary to her and her dope-smoking ex.
Heaven forgive me for saying it, but when I was flying the Enola Gay to drop the big one on imperial Japan, I wish it landed in baby Yoko's diaper. That's a boom-boom nobody could clean up!
How To Make Her Right: I'm in the minority, but I love to hear Yoko sing or shout or squeal like a pig - whatever you call that hullabaloo. No, I'm not talking about her albums. I mean how it sounded when I comforted during the '70s while she was separated from Lennon. I think all she needs is McGleaner love.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER (Picture: )
"I'm very, very concerned about the Bush presidency. I'm worried about the kinds of cuts in domestic programs that mean something to a lot of people, including members of my family, who depend on certain things from the government."
That's millionaire Sarah Jessica looking for a free handout. This, from the raging slut of Sex and the City. If she caught some sexually transmitted disease while trolling the naked city, do you think she'd end up in Bellevue on the state's tab?
How To Make Her Right: Forget about sex and the city, how about sex and the retired military grunt? That'll exhaust Sarah Jessica so she'll have no energy to sprout her nonsense.
SARAH POLLEY (Picture: )
Polly, want a cracker? No, but Sarah Polley is a certified crack-up.
I'm steaming mad because this Canadian cutie is already on the road to ruin thanks to her outspoken anti-Americanism.
A frequenter of rabble rousing demonstrations, Sarah claims that she's lost some back teeth during clashes she's had with the outstanding members of law enforcement.
Next time Sarah opens her mouth at a rally, I hope it's her front teeth that go down for the cause. It may not help her career as an actress, but it'll sure help her as a cocksucker!
How To Make Her Right: Maybe I'm too harsh with Sarah. She needs a mentor, and I'll happily take that job. A few minutes on the McGleaner pump and she'll be flushed of all that garbage.
VANESSA REDGRAVE (Picture: )
Arafat-sympathizer Vanessa gets no sympathy from me.
I've done my share of covert missions in the Middle East and my solution to the problems there is simple: nuke the desert until the sands melt into glass!
Vanessa's support of extremists is inexcusable, no matter how much I'd like to strap her sexy body to mine like a suicide bomber and blow my load.
How To Make Her Right: All Vanessa needs is to meet me naked on the Gobi sands, which she'll be picking out from her butt-cheeks for weeks after my shock-and-awe loving.
SUSAN SARANDON (Picture: )
How could The Creator bestow breasts so big under lips crying out to be punched fat?
That's Susan in a nutshell -- she's a nut for sure!
Anytime the good old boys in blue shoot some criminal and make the streets that much safer for John Q. Public, there's Susan getting arrested and smiling like a self-satisfied elitist for the cameras.
If she'd like to protest something worthwhile, how about banning the bra? Those tit holsters have held two of the greatest American assets in bondage for too long.
How To Make Her Right: If ever I get my hands on Susan's hooters I'll twist her nipples and fine tune her into the kind of woman who only protests when I stop licking her.
SHARON STONE (Picture: )
When Sharon uncrossed her legs and exposed her hairy pubes in Basic Instinct (Picture: - ), let me tell you, I had a base instinct or two. After seeing that scene, I wasn't able to cross my legs for weeks!
Everybody who saw her sugar patch wanted to taste Sharon's sweet meat. I got some old platoon buddies who now work for the Secret Service and the rumored scuttlebutt is that President Clinton may or may not have used his executive power to investigate Sharon's oval orifice.
Sounds to me like Sharon might have gotten a one-on-one taste of what Clinton did to the country over his two terms in office!
How To Make Her Right: If Sharon got stoned by Clinton, imagine the heaviness of a McGleaner rockslide up her skirt.
JEAN SEBERG (Picture: )
If there's one blonde who leaves me Breathless, it's Jean.
Jean, Jean makes the dancing machine in my trousers do the Charleston.
But by the '60s every actress worth her body weight in spew seemed to chop off her lovely long locks and shack up with some dirty radical. Sadly, Jean was no exception.
This petite powerhouse offered her kitty to African-American radical Huey P. Newton -- and once she went Black Panther, she never went back.
They say certain ethnic groups are well-endowed but, compared to the assault rifle in my trousers, the Panthers were unarmed!
Too bad Jean never got a chance to taste some US Grade-A tube steak. She died of a drug overdose in the '70s. I shed a tear for my fallen hottie.
How To Make Her Right: It's too late for Jean - or is it? My lovers tell me I can raise the dead with my good loving, maybe I'll dig up Jean and try to give her a second chance.
BARBRA STREISAND (Picture: )
"As long as Democrats were the majority, I could sleep nights, not weep nights,"
That's Babs's idea of wit.
There's no denying that she's got a beautiful voice and after seeing her in that sexy lingerie from The Owl and the Pussycat (Picture: ), I'd like to do the dog on her pussy.
But when it comes to politics, Babs is tone deaf.
Suffice it to say, Babs, it's my hope that you'll be weeping a lot at nights - and not only because you'll be missing the McGleaner pink-seeking missile.
How To Make Her Right: I don't want to make Babs cry, except in ecstasy. I'll make her shout, "You're my Republican god!" in bed.
UMA THURMAN (Picture: )
In December 2000, I spit beer all over the naked backside of the whore who was blowing me as I watched David Letterman interviewing Uma.
All night long I was looking forward to busting my nuts in the mouth of a young hooker and busting a gut to Larry "Bud" Melman or one of those other freaks on that funnyman's show. But here's this slinky sex kitten distracting me from admiring her jiggling jugs because she has to comment on the recent senatorial elections in New York State.
They call it the Empire State, but after those eastern idiots elected Hillary Clinton, I'd say it's the fall of the empire. Not Uma, though, she was so "proud" of New Yorkers for legitimizing that fat-bottom carpetbagger (bet you though I was going to write "muncher," didn't you?).
Uma: what does that stand for, Unbelievably Moronic Actress?
How To Make Her Right: The McGleaner libido is stronger than any political party, and Uma won't have time to comment about anything outside of the party in my pants.
