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Excalibur

Excalibur (1981)

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Review

Excalibur (1981) is the name of King Arthur's mighty sword, forged in magic and pulled from its rock sheath proclaiming him the one true King of England. You probably know that story from The Sword in the Stone (1963), but that kids cartoon couldn't give you a bone like this John Boorman flick, chock full of A list talent and top tier toplessness. Merlin (Nicol Williamson) finds Excalibur, sticks it in the rock, and soon enough Arthur (Nigel Terry) is pulling it out. After a quick duel he's added Lancelot (Nicholas Clay) to his crew, gone goo goo eyed for Guenevere (Cheire Lunghi), and started building Camelot. But his half sister Morgana (Helen Mirren) isn't happy playing second fiddle, so she schemes to use her magic to pretend to be Guenevere and get knocked up by Arthur, so her kid can take the throne. It works, out comes Mordred (Robet Addie), and soon enough he's rallied an army to lay claim to the kingdom. After a quick Holy Grail quest, it's the big father vs son plus sister slash baby mama battle for control of the realm. Keep an eye out for a very young Liam Neeson and Patrick Stewart in this one, which proved that being a knight of the roundtable meant you got to spend your nights with some of the hottest maidens ever made love to! Make Mr. Skin a squire if becoming a knight means getting to rail Katrine Boorman in front of a fire like we see in this one! The dude's armor stays on, but Kristine's clothes come off and we get to watch her boobs bounce as he thrusts into her! Speaking of ladies of Camelot who could make a whole lot of cash camgirling, Cherie Lunghi's rack and rump say "hi" as she does the deed with Arthur in the woods. But, while we've seen them before, this one was all about Helen Mirren's mams, which we see in a mesh shirt as she uses her magic to seduce Arthur. At least, that's his claim. In reality, we're sure Arty was more than happy to pretend to be under a spell since his sis is hot as Hell! All the radical eighties dudes were pulling their skin swords out of their stone washed jeans seeing those lovely ladies. En garde! It's rock hard while watching Excalibur!