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Don't Go Near the Park

Don't Go Near the Park (1981)

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Review

Fans of crackpot grindhouse horror are advised to immediately get as near as possible to Don’t Go Near the Park (1981). Twelve thousand years ago, Gar (Crackers Phinn) and Tra (Barbara Monker) were cursed by their witchy mom to roam the earth forever. They stay young by feasting on human organs and they can break the hex if they slay a sixteen-year-old female virgin--exactly twelve thousand years in the future. Cut to 1965 or so. Gar impregnates Linnea Quigley and raises their daughter, Bondi (Tamara Taylor), in order to harvest her soul come sweet sixteen time. Bondi bolts, though, and hooks up with a hunky teenage runaway (Chris Riley) and a pervy eight-year-old wiseass (Meeno Peluce) in a deserted house in the recreational area of the title overseen by Halloween-masked Tra. In the meantime, fat reporter Taft (Aldo Ray) attempts to connect recent underage guttings to a partial blinding from a century back. All this sets up an extended climax with zombies, eyeball lasers, naked boobies, buckets of gore, and a magnetic coffin. Don’t Go Near the Park is a wild, one-of-a-kind romp through pure trash-movie paradise.