Dark Shadows (2012)

Loosely based on the gothy television soap of the same name, the comedy Dark Shadows (2012) follows Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), an eighteenth-century fishing magnate that was transformed into a vampire and entombed for two centuries by the vengeful witch Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) when he spurned her love to be with his crush Josette (Belle Heathcote). When Barnabas is inadvertently freed from his tomb in 1972, he returns to his old manor, only to discover his once thriving estate in ruins and his family meandering in dysfunction and harboring dreadful secrets. It’s up to Barnabas to move back into the estate and make everything right. But to transform the mansion back to its original beauty, the vampire playboy has to deal with the current inhabitants: Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), the patriarch who runs the family fortunes; Carolyn (Chloe Grace Moretz), her teenage daughter; Roger (Jonny Lee Miller), Liz’s deadbeat brother, David (Gully McGrath), Roger’s weird son; Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter), the family’s live-in psychiatrist; and Willie (Jackie Earle Haley), the drunk butler. Angelique soon gets word of Barnabas’ return, and it’s only a matter of time before she’s back to her old ways of trying to gain his love. Eva Green does her best to frustrate us by wearing form-fitting dresses that only serve to accentuate her outstanding cleavage. But the nude-friendly femme manages to keep ‘em covered. Oh, the boob-manity!