Spectral Sacks, Ghostly Glutes, and Phantom Furburger
Hello my friends, and welcome back to Castle Rackula. That clinking of chains you hear upstairs is just something I have going with a couple of girls off of Craigslist, but the sound does put me in mind of those least substantial of supernatural species: ghosts.
Ghosts have a reputation for being depressive, gloomy, self-pitying, and no fun to be around. Having suffered through several extremely long dinner parties down in Knoxville with the Bell Witch and the pre-deceased Jim Varney (who was a delight, unlike his translucent ancestor), I can attest that that reputation is well earned.
But who can blame them? Unlike us vampires, who get to keep their bodies in perfect shape for all of eternity, the physical presence of ghosts is generally reduced to an unappealing and intangible blur.
But sometimes, the movies give us an improved version of reality. These ten movies contain naked specters who would turn Bill Murray and Harold Ramis from Ghostbusters into ghost-lusters!
The Shining (1980)
Stanley Kubrick’s masterful adaptation of the Steven King novel The Shining had more than its fair of memorable moments: Jack Nicholson (good man, I met him when he was directing Head. I showed up on the set because I misunderstood the title) yelling “Here’s Johnny!”; the blood cascading down the hallway; and, may favorite, the naked woman in the tub, played first by the lovely Lia Beldam and then by the terrifying Billie Gibson, and not the one with the beard. Before her supple flesh becomes the rotted corpse of an old woman, Lia is one ghost in the over look I could look over all night long.
Ghost in a Teeny Bikini (2006)
34D-24-35 softcore siren Nicole Sheridan makes one hell of an eye-catching apparition in Ghost in a Teeny Bikini. Like many of the ghosts on this list, Nicole appears as a naked nubile rather than an insubstantial phantom. And I don’t hear anyone complaining (except for the girls from Craigslist upstairs)! Stripping off her pink bikini for a bout of mutual muff-munching with Christine Nguyen, Nicole shoves her crotch into Christine’s face and demonstrates that, unless they’re Anthony Quinn, ghosts can do it!
Erotic Ghost Story 4: Perfect Match (1997)
I’ve done some traveling in Asia. I learned that, in Rajasthan, ghosts are called bhoots and can be trapped in iron amulets worn around the neck of the dead man’s mother. I also learned that in Hong Kong, ghosts can turn into rabbits while having sex. But you don’t have to believe me. Check out Keung Ka Ling in Erotic Ghost Story 4: Perfect Match. You’ll be playing Pat the Bunny in no time.
13 Ghosts (2001)
This 2001 remake of the 1960 William Castle classic 13 Ghosts replaced the original "Illusion-O" gimmick with gore and boobs. The latter were provided, not by star Shannon Elizabeth, who kept her clothes on, but by Shawna Loyer, the ghost of the angry princess. Shawna’s wardrobe consisted entirely of blood smears, making her the perfect combination of my two favorite things.
13 Erotic Ghosts (2002)
It’s funny how the addition of one little word can make all the differences. 13 Erotic Ghosts builds on the concept of 13 ghosts, but instead of just one nude apparition, there are seven, including the twins Zen and Zero, and they can’t keep their hands off each other. Fans of Brooke and Taylor Young will especially get a kick out of Zen and Zero’s threesome in a hot tub with top-heavy scream queen Julie Strain and a metal dildo. Twincest, anyone?
Ghost Ship (2002)
A remake of a 1953 film of the same title directed by Vernon Sewell, Ghost Ship features a naked ghost who behaves more like the spooks we’re all familiar with than say, the Sapphic spirits of 13 Erotic Ghosts. Wearing nothing but a pair of long red gloves, Francesca Rettondini uses her ta to lure a horny seamen to the edge of a precipice. But when he tries to grab that ass, the poor sucker learns that she is nothing but an apparition and falls right through her to his death. It happens.
Drainiac! (2000)
The low-budget horror-comedy Drainiac! was the first entry on this list because it feature an actual nude ghost who looks like a ghost and who floats like a ghost and who laughs like a ghost, but she’s always a woman to me. In life, her name was Adrienne McCleave and she shows off spectral sweater-swellers and seat-meat floating in the air in a haunted house. The end credits also feature the ass-parition of similarly unclothed spirit Leslie Culton. Drainiac will have you draining your sack!
Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 (1987)
Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 was originally titled The Haunting of Hamilton High until someone decided to take advantage of the unrelated 1980 slasher flick Prom Night and changed the name. It’s kind of a cheat in another way, too. The naked “ghost” played by Wendy Lyon is actually a high school girl possessed by the ghost of a girl murdered forty years before. But her scene, which has Wendy showing all 3 b’s as she puts the moves on the equally naked Beverly Hendry in the shower, is naked enough to warrant inclusion on that basis alone. Hello Mary Lou, goodbye DNA!
Soul Survivors (2001)
Fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer will recognize the painfully hot and infuriatingly skin-gy Eliza Dushku as Faith, Sarah Michelle Gellar’s rival vampire-slaying babe. I’m not a fan of this show for obvious reasons, but even I couldn’t help but notice Eliza. Sadly, she doesn’t get naked in Soul Survivors, but she does the next best thing: she sucks face with and paws the bare boobs of her les-be-friend Angela Featherstone in a library. It turns out later that both girls were ghosts of some kind. The lezzy kind.
Room 6 (2006)
The supernatural thriller Room 6 starring A-listers Christine Taylor and Jerry O’Connell also features lesbian ghosts, who also happen to be nurses. Cheryl Tsai, Jill Montgomery, Katie Lohman, and Stacy Fuson show everything they’ve got as they strip down to stockings for a Sapphic blood orgy of syringe-squirting and tongue baths. Hey girls, why don’t you invite Count Rack next time? We can meet in tomb six!
Well I hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through the haunted hills. If you want to visit Castle Rackula before next Friday, I’m on Myspace now and I have my own Fang Club on facebook. My next post will be on Halloween and it’s going to be spook-rack-ular, so be sure to come back for that! Until then, fangs for the mammaries.
