Tricks and Teats
Greetings and salutations from the darkest recesses of Castle Rackula, high in the hills of Mamsylvania.
Halloween night is very special around here. All my monster friends and a handful of Hollywood phonies come by and we engage in all the standard festivities: boobing for chest-apples, carving up rump-kins, playing pin-the-tail-on-the-prostitute-from-Craigslist, and having a sance to commune with the spirits of dead prostitutes.
I was also happy this year to get my good friend Mark Johnston from Shocking Videos' Halloween newsletter. All that nostalgia made me feel like I was 412 again.
In honor of the Great Pumpkin, I put on my copy of Night on Disco Mountain and compiled this list, a veritable Bocaccio’s Decameron of ten of my favorite naked horror movies that take place on Halloween night.
To be fair, only eight of them have nudity, but I included two additional movies for my own reasons.
So pull up coffin, sit down, and skin-joy!
Halloween (1978)
Although the star, second-generation scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis, keeps her clothes on, John Carpenter’s classic slasher flick Halloween does give us a glimpse at two great pairs of knockers. Just five minutes in, we get to see Sandy Johnson’s jugs through the eyeholes in young Michael Myers’s mask. Then later, the delightful P.J. Soles stiffens poles when she bares her boobs getting strangled with a telephone cord. Remakes aside, it takes a Carpenter to know how to build a tent in your pants.
Halloween Night (2006)
Scripted by Fangoria editor Michael Gingold, Halloween Night is an homage to classic slasher movies like well, Halloween. The movie features a disfigured teen-hating killer and a killer topless lesbian scene between bashful blonde babe Amanda Ward and eager-to-munch-muff brunette Erica Roby. We also get trick-or-treated to the bared boobs of Stephanie Christine Medina, Alicia Klein, and Jan Anderson. I wonder if these girls will come around for my other favorite holiday, Swallow-ween Night!
Night of the Demons (1988)
Night of the Demons features a group of teenagers who decide to hold a Halloween party and an ill-advised sance in a haunted funeral parlor, conjuring up the the demoness Angela, played by Amelia Kinkade. Soon turn the place into a regular Plato’s Retreat and one guy even has a sex with a topless Jill Terashita in a coffin (which is underrated). There’s also a quick ass-flash from Cathy Podewell and some great fur-flashing from scream queen sex-traordinaire Linnea Quigley, who also shares a girl-girl grope with Amelia. The rumor has it that Linnea will also appear in the planned 2009 remake with Shannon Elizabeth as Angela. Prepare for a Night of the Semen!
Night of the Demons 2 (1994)
The sequel, Night of the Demons 2, was directed by the famed Aussie filmmaker Brian Trenchard-Smith, the man behind Escape 2000 and Leprechaun 4: In Space. This time, the plot is basically the same as the first movie, but the boobs are supplied by Cristi Harris and Zoe Trilling. And since the demonic possession can only be passed mouth to mouth, the story requires Zoe to Sapphically suck face with both Amelia Kinkade and Christine Taylor. Prepare for a Night of the Semen 2!
Jack-O (1995)
Low-budget fan favorite Jack-O features a scythe-wielding jack-o-lantern-headed killer returns to life to get vengeance on the members of the Kelly clan, the suburban family responsible for his death. It also features Linnea Quigley seductively soaping her sweater-swellers and seat-meat in a steamy shower scene. Do I need to say that Jack-o will make you jack off?
The Pumpkin Karver (2006)
Latter-day outing The Pumpkin Karver features a killer with a back story very similar to that of Michael Myers. As an child, he kills his sister’s boyfriend after watching them getting it on, then appoints himself butcher of all the tender teenage flesh he encounters. And since he’s at a high school Halloween kegger, he encounters plenty of it. There’s a charitable nip slip from dirty blonde Charity Shea. And present but strangely not nude is the luscious Amy Weber, who bares ta in a boiling hot Jacuzzi lesbo scene with Aleksandra Kaniak in the softcore Forbidden Games and shows all 3 b’s starring in the Indonesian horror masterpiece (truly!) Dangerous Seductress, her very first role. Ms. Weber will have you spinning silk!
The Hazing (2004)
Horror-comedy The Hazing follows a group of sorority sisters and their pledges as they are picked off one by one by a mysterious killer. The movie also features the blood-spattered boobs of the unfortunate Bernadette Wilkes, a topless scene with sweet Nectar Rose, the spectacular rack of scream queen and future Mrs. Corey HaimTiffany Shepis, and the bra-clad never-nude knockers of former E! Wild on hostess Brooke Burke. Still, with Tiffany’s towers in plain view, The Hazing is amazing!
Satan’s Little Helper (2004)
Satan’s Little Helper is the story of a none-too-smart tween boy who sees a masked figure disposing of a murder victim, assumes the whole thing to be a Halloween game, volunteers to help out with the killing, and becomes the accomplice to a psychopathic serial killer. There’s also a shower scene where feisty firecrotch Melisa McGregor bares her ta. But even stranger than the plot is the fact that busty blonde Katheryn Winnick and Amanda Plummer (daughter of my dear friend Christopher, whom I met on the set of The Sound of Music in 1965) keep their pumpkins covered. But at least Amanda has been naked on screen a sizeable handful of times. Not so with Ms. Winnick. If you happen to see Katheryn, Satan’s-little-help-her get her clothes off!
Hell Night (1981)
The year before she appeared on the cover of Oui magazine, Linda Blair appeared in the classic slasher flick Hell Night, the story of a group of college kids who spend Halloween night locked in an old dark house. The movie is practically perfect in every way except for its appalling lack of skin. But if you watch it with the October 1982 issue of High Society and the October 1983 issue of Oui spread out in front of you as I do, it almost makes up for it. Hell Night also features Peter Barton, the de-virginator from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.
The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t AKA Dracula Saves the World (1979)
This 1979 made-for-TV kids’ movie The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t has no nudity, but it’s always had a special place in my unbeating heart. The movie stars Judd Hirsch as Dracula, king of the monsters (naturally), the great Henry Gibson as Igor, Jack Riley as the Wolf Man, and Peyton Place pretty Mariette Hartley as a witch threatening to strike if her demands aren’t met. Ever since they organized after the incidents at Salem, they’ve been pulling that crap. But the movie is one of the most realistic pictures of the vampire life (so to speak) ever put to film, and so I’ve made a ritual of watching it on Halloween ever since I picked up a copy from J4hi.com. Judd Hirsch is like Sidney Poitier to us.
Well, my friends, I hope you’ve learned something today. But you’ll probably forget everything I’ve said one the prostitutes from Craigslist show up.
But come back next week for more discussions of horror movie nudity. And until then, fangs for the mammaries!
