By J.R. Taylor
It's that time of year when little kids mourn the start of school, and big kids-that's us-celebrate the start of another fall television season. The cable networks have the traditional outlets trying to get sexier than ever, and the casting directors are proving up to the challenge of keeping male viewers up through prime time. This year has plenty of exciting new faces and figures that'll keep us fingering our remote.
CBS
Formerly an old-folks home posing as a network, CBS continues to enjoy its new success as a ratings monster. That means they aren't unveiling many new shows this season. At least the network's not resting on its laurels and is luring out some lusty ladies to keep our CBS eye wide open.
Viva Laughlin
What will it take to get us to watch a weekly musical series about a guy trying to open a casino in an unlikely part of Nevada? Well, it'll take more than the occasional guest appearance by show producer Hugh Jackman. Fortunately this series raises the ante-and our inseams-with a weekly cast that includes M?hen Amick (Picture: 1) and Melanie Griffith (Picture: 1) .
The Big Bang Theory
We had our own theory about what this sitcom should be about, but we'll settle for humorous tales about two nerdy physicists who fall in with the blonde atom bombshell next door-especially since said scorcher is Kaley Cuoco, who's got the kind of perfect puffs that we've already gone cuckoo for.
Cane
It's Dallas with another kind of accent, as Cane explores the many machinations of a family trying to maintain their humble rum empire. It's also a nice showcase for lusty Latina action, starting with classic beauty Rita Moreno as the family matriarch. In a surprise twist, however, brazen Brit bombshell Polly Walker (Picture: 1) is the most notoriously nude member of the cast.
Moonlight
Alex O'Loughlin stars as the luckiest vampire in the world, and not just because he's found steady night work as a private detective. He's pursuing the nocturnal nookie of Sophia Myles (Picture: 1) -who's always working late as an investigative reporter. So where does the luck come in? Sophia stepped in to replace the equally shaggable Shannon Lucio, who originally played the role in the pilot.
Swingtown
We're not cheering for any show to get cancelled, but maybe it'd be okay if an entire reality show got wiped out in an accident. Then we could get Swingtown on the air. This planned midseason replacement is about a suburban couple who suddenly finds themselves amongst sex-crazed swingers in 1976. We're set to schwing over a casually carnal cast that includes Molly Parker (Picture: 1), Lana Parrilla, and Kate Norby (Picture: 1) .
NBC
Last year's line-up was a disappointment for the formerly strutting NBC. Now the peacock network has us fanning our pleated trousers with several promising productions.
Chuck
A computer geek doesn't get lucky when he accidentally downloads way too much info straight into his brain. He does, however, get to become a secret agent with a sexy bodyguard. And we're lucky that he's got a sister played by Sarah Lancaster, who got us doing a major download when she-or maybe her body double-chucked away her shirt in Lovers Lane (1999).
The Bionic Woman
We're not looking forward to seeing Michelle Ryan getting hit by a car in the upcoming revival of this classic '70s show. We just want to see how they can possibly make this beautiful Brit actress any bigger and better . . . not to mention American. The only problem is that Michelle's no Lindsay Wagner-if only because the original Bionic Woman warmed up for stardom by baring her human hooters in Two People (1973) (Picture: 1) .
Life
Damian Lewis stars as a cop who's falsely imprisoned for a triple homicide-and when he's released, he goes back on the force instead of suing for millions of dollars. How'd the government pull that off? Well, it probably helped when they promised that his partner would be former The L Word star Sarah Shahi-and his immediate superior would be Robin Weigert, who recently bared her very good bod in The Good German (2006) (Picture: ) .
Lipstick Jungle
"These women aren't looking for Mr. Big," says the ad line for Lipstick Jungle, "they are Mr. Big." So it's certainly nice to see yet another TV series about the problems of fabulously rich and successful women-and our snark is snuffed once we realize that we're ogling Kim Raver (Picture: ) (as a fashion-magazine editor), Lindsay Price (as a fashion designer), and Brooke Shields (Picture: ) (as s fashionably tall film-studio executive).
Journeyman
Kevin McKidd is a San Francisco reporter who can travel through time-so our first thought is that he never has to miss a deadline. He also gets to solve crimes and-more importantly-gets to spend time with his long-lost fianc? Moon Bloodgood (Picture: ) . Which kind of complicates things, since he's married to a hot babe in his present-day life, but, you know, he's technically single when he goes back in time to moon over Moon, so there's not really any problem here, right?
ABC
The bad news (for the network) is that ABC is doing poorly in the ratings. The good news (for Skinizens) is that the network is pulling out sexy stars and scenarios that'll get us pulling straight through a busy mid-season.
Samantha Who?
Horny's going to hear a Who? as we check out Christina Applegate's (Picture: ) sizzling new sitcom. She's starring as a former bitch who gets a chance at redemption after a car hits her. The resultant coma leaves her with amnesia, so she can't remember a thing about her past life. Surprisingly the series doesn't consist of a different guy each week trying to convince Christina that they've always been friends with benefits. This series also brings Jennifer Esposito (Picture: ) back to priming-our-pump-time, along with Jean Smart as Christina's mom-who's truly a MILF to remember.
Cavemen
Can those lovable GEICO cavemen make it as the stars of their own sitcom? Well, the show's certainly got us swinging our clubs, since the cast includes Kaitlin Doubleday-last seen baring a bra in Accepted (2006)-as one of the Atlanta ladies helping the primitive pitchmen evolve into TV stars.
Carpoolers
You know why we're happy to see a sitcom about four whiny suburban guys working out their insecurities in their daily carpool? Because we know one of them is leaving Faith Ford alone at home so she can lounge in lingerie just like she did in the canceled Hope Faith (Picture: ) . Excuse Mr. Skin while he goes to apply for a job as a milkman.
Pushing Daisies
Lee Pace stars as a regular guy who can (briefly) revive the dead with a mere touch-although we're more likely to believe that it's costar Anna Friel (Picture: ) who can make a dead man come back to life. We're thrilled to see this English lassie finally making a bid for American stardom, and she's paired with all-American good girl Kristin Chenoweth. That Broadway star may be Hollywood's hottest Christian, but Kristin's got a chest that'd get the most cremated corpse drawing a breath. And in further quirky casting, the underseen and overbosomed Ellen Greene (Picture: 1) shows up in a regular role.
Private Practice
Pardon us, doctor, but we strained our zipper thinking of Kate Walsh (Picture: ) spinning off Grey's Anatomy and getting even more screen time to simulate sex. And we practically broke our boner when we thought of Amy Brenneman (Picture: 1) joining Kate on this new show, since we've already judged Amy's assets while writhing on a nightstick back in the glory days of NYPD Blue. Forget the second opinion-like maybe that Grey's Anatomy isn't that good-and massage our injured areas STAT.
Dirty Sexy Money
After starring in the sexy HBO series Six Feet Under, Peter Krause gets stiff again as a lawyer dealing with the sordid shenanigans of a filthy-rich family. Jill Clayburgh (Picture: 1)is the matriarchal MILF, Zoe McLellan is the younger generation, and bouncy blonde Victoria Pratt-who first caught our bulging eyes with a cameo as a stripper in Whatever It Takes (1999) (Picture: 1) -gets an overdue showcase in this eagerly anticipated show.
Big Shots
What care we about a show that follows a bunch of rich and powerful men? Well, our wee-wee cares a lot about the babes these billionaires are boffing in graphic detail. Big Shots is pushing the boundaries of network simulated sex, and we'll be doing our own heavy lifting to gals such as Nia Long (Picture: 1), Peyton List, Jessica Collins (Picture: ) , and Amy Sloan-whose legendary simulation in the low-budget Xchange (2000) (Picture: 1) remains a classic in overblown orgasms. We'll also be gushing for guest stars such as Paige Turco.
Women's Murder Club
Who do we have to kill to get handcuffed by Angie Harmon? Hey, it seems anybody will do! As a San Francisco detective, Angie's busting bad guys with the help of her intrusive femme friends-and they've got plenty to intrude with, as the cast includes younger gal pals such as Aubrey Dollar and Laura Harris (Picture: 1).
Cashmere Mafia
Given ABC's recent history, it's a good idea to expect a few of the network's midseason shows to jump into the fall fray. This Sex and the City variant is high on our wish list, with a cast that includes veteran vixen Lucy Liu (Picture: 1) and UK import Frances O'Connor (Picture: 1) . The rest of the ladies also come with skinsational pedigrees, as Miranda Otto (Picture: 1) and Bonnie Somerville round out an exceptionally curvaceous cast.
Eli Stone
This midseason drama stars Jonny Lee Miller as an absurdly young successful attorney who decides to go on a spiritual quest laden with fantastic elements-and we're watching because we've already got plenty of fantasies about the heavenly body of costar Natasha Henstridge (Picture: 1) .
Miss Guided
Say what you will about Ashton Kutcher, but he's got great taste in ladies. This midseason meltdown is produced by Mr. Demi Moore (Picture: 1) , and it's a blessing in skin-size. Judy Greer (Picture: 1) been breaking out of her clothes long enough to warrant a breakout role, and she stars as a guidance counselor who's returned to work at her old high school. Too bad that her old archenemy has also joined the faculty staff-and she's played by Brooke Burns (Picture: 1) , whose Baywatch turn is just part of a long career spent teasing our eyeballs. We may not get nudity here, but is it too much to ask for a catfight?
