By Dick Lickington
Ah, the majesty of the Roman Empire! The marching legions of Julius Caesar, the breathtaking spectacle of the Circus Maximus, and the legendary debauchery of Rome's most notorious Emperor, Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus- better known by his one-word moniker "Caligula."
In Latin, the name Caligula means "little boots,"but there is nothing little about the boots any would-be successor of this pervert extraordinaire would have to fill. Among Caligula's most infamous exploits:
* An endless succession of his sex partners of both genders and all ages.
* The solid gold statue of himself he had built as an idol to be worshipped.
* His penchant for prolonged, agonizingly inventive torture before the execution of his perceived enemies.
* A massive military campaign he launched against the sea god Neptune, in which the Roman legions were ordered to hurl their spears into the ocean.
Historians have explained Caligula's bizarre behavior as a result of his childhood in an atmosphere of political intrigue and betrayal, his tainted family tree (both his grandfather Tiberius and his nephew Nero shared his unusual sexual tastes) and/or a craziness cocktail of epilepsy mixed with schizophrenia.
Whatever the cause, the life and times of this imperial freak-show have been the source material for some of the most extreme displays of Skingoria ever to ignite grindhouse auditoriums and (dis)grace the adventurous video renter's TV screen.
From the "Masterpiece Theatre"-quality historical drama of I, Claudius to the over-budget and over-the-top sleaze of mobbed-up Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione's spectacular flop Caligula, filmmakers have spent the last thirty years using third-hand set-pieces from high school productions of Quo Vadis and anachronistically dressed extras to recreate the perverse exploits of the Roman leader the Italian-American Anti-Defamation league would prefer to have us all forget.
Some of these films are genuine attempts to represent the bloody life of this syphilis-ridden mincing dandy with more hair on his back than on his head, while others have nothing to do with Caligula or even ancient Rome, but just insert the infamous name of the Emperor to sell the product.
What follows is an overview of all the Caligula and Caligula-related movies the author could find. In order to rank the quality of the films, we have come up with several broad categories, and when an entry contains the best example of a category, it is awarded a "Golden Boot", so named both for the infamous Emperor's well-known nickname and for the shape of the country which spawned not only the historical reality, but also some of the best cinematic adaptations in the genre.
Some of the categories in which the Golden Boots are awarded are Most Effeminate Caligula, Nakedest Messalina, Best Male Fisting, Most Mafia Funding, Hottest Girl-Girl Pairing in a Historical Drama, Most Gratuitous Violence in front of a Doric Column, Fattest Nero, and Best Performance by an Actor in a Lion Costume. So break out the togas and the shrill girlish giggles, because it's time to get Caligulated!
I, CLADIUS (1937)
The first on-screen adaptation of Robert Graves' novel that tells the story of the decline of the Roman Empire as seen through the eyes of the slow-witted and speech-impaired Emperor Claudius. The venerable Charles Laughton plays Claudius, while the less notable Emlyn Williams, who played Charles Dickens in a televised one-man show in 1983, plays Caligula. This one isn't getting any awards for gratuitous sex or violence, and the 1976 BBC mini-series is a more accessible adaptation of Graves' novel. I included this entry in the interest of completeness, but I can't recommend it in good conscience to anyone looking to see depravity and debasement. But read on, read on.
CALIGULA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS (1964)
AKA Carry On Cleo
In the UK, the "Carry On" comedies ranked among the most popular film series of all time, beginning with Carry On Nurse in 1959 all the way up to Carry On Emmanuelle in 1978. The cycle's 1964 entry, Carry On Cleo, came in response to the mega-budget Elizabeth Taylor turkey Cleopatra of the same year. Decades later, when Carry On Cleowas released on home video in the U.S., it was re-titled as Caligula's Funniest Home Videos to cash in on the still-resonating notoriety surrounding Bob Guccione's Caligula. The plot revolves around two Britons who have been captured and sold into slavery in Rome and their adventures in the court of Mark Antony and Cleopatra (the titular "Cleo"). The only thing funny here is that this is what passed for comedy in 1960's Great Britain. No tits, no torture, no fun.
CALIGULA (1966)
This made-for-TV West German production is based on the novel by the French existentialist hero Albert Camus, and it's predictably short on TA. Details are scarce on this one, but Horst Frank is the actor who portrays Caligula. Unfortunately, no franks are actually horsted in this picture.
CALIGULA (1975)
This is yet another TV movie based on the Camus novel, this time made in Belgium with Frans Maas in the title role. Skip it.
*This may be a good time to pause and note that Gilles de Rais, the infamous child-murdering sexual sadist and black magician of fifteenth century France blamed his own depravity on the fact that, as a youth, he spent a lot of time reading the Roman historian Suetonius's accounts of the exploits of Nero, Tiberius, and Caligula. Apparently, Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne aren't the only ones capable of inciting their fans to violence. Which brings us to our next entry.
*THE HERITAGE OF CALIGULA: AN ORGY OF SICK MINDS (1976)
AKA Blood Sucking Freaks
A Caligula film in name only, this very early Troma picture is most widely known under the title Blood Sucking Freaks. Blood Sucking Freaks is about a Grand Guignol-type stage production in which women are tortured to death while the audience mistakenly believes they are watching an illusion.
Seamus O'Brien's indelible performance as the sadistic Master Sardu and Luis de Jesus as his dwarf assistant Ralphus, along with gratuitous scenes like Sardu's gourmet dinner (complete with a candelabra!) served on the naked rear of one of his female captives make the shameless co-opting of Caligula's name a forgivable transgression.
No togas here, but there are plenty of sick and depraved thrills to be had. In fact despite its misleading title, this one gets two honorary Golden Boot Awards- one for Best Use of Cannibalism as an Instrument of Poetic Justice and one for Best Scene in Which a Gay Man Pretending to Be a Sadist Eats a Gourmet Dinner off the Ass of a Naked Female Captive. Also, watch for Seamus O'Brien in his only other film role in The Happy Hooker.
I, CLAUDIUS(1976)
Let me be clear about one thing: there is AWESOME NUDITY (for a TV show)in this legendary BBC mini-series, and I can't recommend it highly enough.
John Hurt's performance as Caligula truly sets the gold standard. He minces and prances like the Queen of the Easter Parade, but still maintains the glint of true madness in his eyes. The scene where he sachets into the court wearing a vibrant purple and orange ensemble, with his face painted like a two dollar whore and performs an interpretive dance in honor of the Sun God, the bar is set, and it has never been reached again.
I, Claudius is a shoe-in for Most Effeminate Caligula and also takes home the Golden Boot for Fattest Nero- played by the aptly named Christopher Biggins. Derek Jacobi, who played the titular Claudius, returned to the Sword and Sandal genre in 2000 with Gladiator.
THE HOT NIGHTS OF CALIGULA (1977)
AKA Caligula Erotica AKA Caligula's Hot Nights AKA Caligula Erotica AKA Le Calde Notti di Caligola.
This Italian sex comedy contains lots of nudity and some inserted penetration and blowjob shots, but very little of the kind of depraved antics fans of Caligula flicks are looking for.
MESSALINA! MESSALINA! (1977)
AKA Caligula IIAKA Messalina, Empress of Love AKA Caligula: Sins of Rome.
Shot on the same sets as the Guccione Caligula, this sex farce directed by Bruno Carbucci also utilizes the fake fun bags of Penthouse Pet Anneka di Lorenzo. Technically, Caligula does not appear in this film, but his perverted presence can be felt in every frame and the marriage of Rome's most infamous prostitute to her most dimwitted puppet ruler presents plenty of opportunities for sexual misconduct.
Along with ample T A, this preemptive Caligula rip-off also contains plenty of over-the-top gratuitous violence played for comic effect, and so it earns the Golden Boot Award in two categories: Nakedest Messalina (You don't get to be a Penthouse Pet by keeping your clothes on) and Most Gratuitous Violence in Front of a Doric column for the comical bloodbath instigated by marauding Centurions in the Imperial Court. Sex and blood and big fake titties- Suetonius would be proud.
CALIGULA REINCARNATED AS HITLER (1977)
AKA Gestapo's Last Orgy AKA Last Orgy of the Third Reich.
This twisted SM sleaze masterpiece is among the most tasteless movies in the particularly tasteless sub-genre of "Nazi Nasties." As you may have guessed from the title- this is another example of a film using Caligula's name to sell VHS tapes. There is plenty here that is worthy of the Imperial Nutjob's taste for torture, though, including scenes of women being whipped and lowered into vats of acid. For those of you who like a little sex with your violence, that's plenty of nudity too. For more information on this movie and its ilk see the article entitled "Heil Hotties!".
CALIGULA (1979)
AKA Caligula, My Son AKA Gore Vidal's Caligula.
The Grand-Emperor of them all (Picture: - - - - ).
It is generally agreed that this twenty-two million-dollar stroke-monster was the first step down the path of financial ruin for Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione. Director Tinto Brass, helmer of Salon Kitty and numerous other Euro-sex masterworks, clashed with Executive Producer Guccione throughout the production and the chaos appears all to evident on-screen. Every major actor involved has publicly expressed their regret at ever having been so and screenwriter Gore Vidal sued (unsuccessfully) to have his name removed from the fiasco while it was still filming.
Upon initial release, Caligula played solely in one posh Manhattan locale, The Penthouse East, which was equipped with overstuffed upholstered chairs and a then-hefty ticket price of $7.50.
Malcolm MacDowell, who also stars in Skintastic classics Cat People and A Clockwork Orange, takes on the role of the Rowdy Roman here, and does his inspiration proud.
This is one of the worst movies ever filmed, and it's also one of my personal favorites. It's worth watching purely as tribute to Guccione's massive ego- especially if you get the DVD, which includes the guided tour of the sets in Italy conducted by Bob himself circa 1976, wearing at least 6 pounds of gold chains around his neck.
As far as content goes, there's no dearth of depravity here. Caligula earns Golden Boot Awards in several key categories- Best Male Fisting Scene (that's a spicy meatball-ah!), Best Girl-Girl Pairing in a Historical Drama (Anneka di Lorenzo and Lori Wagner decide to eat at the Y during their Roman Holiday (Picture: - - ) and we're all the better for it) and the coveted Most Mafia Funding Award- Anneka di Lorenzo has spoken publicly about the coke-fuelled Cosa Nostra orgies/finance meetings she attended in the late '70s.
It's all here. The question is- S.P.Q.R.-U man enough to watch it?
CALIGULA REINCARNATED AS NERO (1981)
AKA Nerone e Poppea AKA Les Adventures sexuelles de Neron et de Poppee AKA Nero and Poppea: An Orgy of Power.
The sequence of events suggested by the title would be a neat trick indeed, given that Nero was Caligula's nephew and was born just three years after his uncle. Be that as it may, this movie is still worth seeing for its Golden Boot Award-winning performance by a Guy in a Lion Suit. Nero may have fiddled while Rome burned but, if this movie is accurate, that fat bastard was also doing a lot of diddling!.
CALIGULA: THE UNTOLD STORY (1982)
AKA Caligola: La storia mai raccontata AKA Caligula II: The Untold Story AKA Emperor Caligula: Garden of Taboo.
This film was sleazemeister Joe D'Amato's attempt to out-gross (pun intended) the notorious Tinto Brass production two years prior. Ergo, there are scenes of men having their backdoors violated with swords, a prostitute giving the emperor's favorite horse a royal hand job (and more in the unedited version), and the stunningly beautiful Laura Gemser of Emmanuelle in America fame taking a ride on a big black dildo made of obsidian. This one will have viewers without the necessary constitution running to the vomitorium, while those familiar with D'Amato's work and Laura Gemser's incredible body will be stocking up on Kleenex. American pretty-boy David Brandon should get an honorary Golden Boot for making Captain Looney Toons a halfway sympathetic character, but he isn't going to.
CALIGULA AND MESSALINA (1982)
AKA Caligula's Perversions.
This film walks away with the Golden Boot Award for Best Line of Dialogue in Any Caligula Film Ever, spoken by Roman woman in response to rumors of the Emperor's eccentricity: "That's the understatement of the year 50!" At the risk of exposing this author's nerdiness, I laughed at this line because I knew that the practice of dating events from the birth of Christ didn't begin until it was introduced by The Venerable Bede in the eighth century. Thus, no one living in the year 50 AD would have recognized it as such.
There's a lot of great stuff here besides anachronistic esoterica for dirty-minded classicists; lots of TA, a well-hung dwarf, girl-girl scenes, political intrigue, and one scene that really epitomizes the appeal of the genre: Caligula is holding court at a royal orgy, drinking from a golden goblet while a female slave plays the skin flute under his toga, when he begins to giggle- girlishly and maniacally.
"What's so funny, Emperor?" asks one of his flunkies.
"I could have all these people killed. I find that terribly amusing. Don't you find that amusing? Hahahaha, heeheeheehee, hohohohoho"
When you think about it, it really is amusing. Check this one out for sure, and see the article "Stars of Skindia" for a funny story about this movie.
CALIGULA'S SLAVES (1984)
AKA Le Schiave di Caligola AKA The Orgies of Caligula.
Dig this classic Italian sleaze epic of the highest caliber, replete with whippings, women dancing in cages and wrestling in mud and abundant scenes of Christians being tortured. If you like big marble dildos and palace orgies, you'll definitely want to master-bate to these slaves! This one is the runner-up for the Golden Boot Award for Most Effeminate Caligula.
CALIGULA (1996)
This Hungarian production is yet another adaptation of the Camus novel. I am reminded of my favorite Caligula joke: "A funny thing happened to me on the way to the forum I had sex with my own sister!" The Hungarian Caligula takes home the Golden Boot for the Most Consonants in the Name of the Actor Playing Caligula, namely Szabolcs Hajdu.
CALIGULA (2001)
This is the most recent attempt to translate Camus' novel into a made-for-TV movie, this time in Spain. It may interest you to know that the actor playing Caligula, Roger Pera, made several appearances on the Spanish television shows Hospital Central and El Comisario in the late 1990s. It didn't interest me, though.
Well, the Golden Boots, have been awarded, the Empire has crumbled, and the last orgy is winding down. If there's a single thought to take away from this far-reaching survey of Caligula flicks, it's this- Latin class was a lot more fun two thousand years ago, unless you were getting your ass impaled on two and half feet of cold sharpened steel. Then it was only slightly more fun.
Ave Caligula!
