By Penny Fine
Beauty pageants. Who doesn't love a parade of satin and sequined, shiny-toothed young darlings vying for fabulous prizes and scholarship cash? Not this American!
Wrapping up my junior-high-school career as the only girl on the Honor Roll with a "D-plus"in bra class, get it?I received an offer I couldn't refuse.
The 1987 Miss Teen Illinois pageant wanted mePenny Fine!to grace their annual glitz onslaught, and the opportunity to experience the vivacious world of validation and Vaseline first hand was too fantastical to miss.
My hair was huger and posed more of a fire hazard than ever before, my self-esteem was through the roof (thanks to a part-time skater/full-time make-out/feel-up partner), and let's face it, I could really hold up a dress.
The Land of Lincoln's favorite daughters gathered in Peoria to primp, preen, powder, paint, pose, and perform our way to pageant stardom. First, I would fail at poise, nervously bare-handing a roll to the reigning Miss Teen Illinois at the first evening's dinner, rather than passing the basket like a civilized member of peer royalty.
Next came the epic wreckage that was my preliminary interview, singing the praises of Jack Nicholson's early career and modern knack for playing the perfect sleaze. Judging had definitely taken place.
The one area I did excel in: the big musical number. Rouging my knees and rolling my stockings down, all that jazz, I really got into.
When all was said and awarded at the Big Teen Beauty Extravaganza, Penny Finethe pride of Chicago's southwest suburbsdid not win, place, or show, but I walked away with a greater appreciation of my fellow pageant princesses.
Well, at least an appreciation of stripping out of formal gowns en masse with my unseasoned sisters.
In an effort that I'm sure my beloved Mr. Nicholson would approve of, and as a tribute to exhibition and exhibitionists, allow me reveal the naked truth about some of Hollywood's finest former Beauty Queens.
PRELIMINARY AWARDS: FITNESS LIFESTYLE
BEAUTY QUEEN:Lindsay Bloom
PAGEANT: Miss International
HONORS: 4th Runner-Up
NUDE IN:Sixpack Annie, Cover Girl Models, H.O.T.S. (Picture: )
BENEATH THE CROWN:H.O.T.S.'s star quarterback with her ample areolae and blooming bouncers will have you fumbling . . . with your jock!
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Tackles, wide receiving
PRELIMINARY AWARDS: TALENT
BEAUTY QUEEN:Kimberly Fisher
PAGEANT: Miss West Hollywood, Miss California
HONORS: Winner, Non-finalist
NUDE IN:The Model Solution, Hollywood Sexcapades (Picture: )
BENEATH THE CROWN: This exotic Miss West Hollywood was no drag (queen)! She and her firm fist fulls went straight to softcore movies and television, accepting high honors in the Birthday Suit Competition.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Lap-riding, mammilla mounting
PRELIMINARY AWARDS: MISS CONGENIALITY
BEAUTY QUEEN:Vanessa L. Williams
PAGEANT: Miss America
HONORS: Winner, DETHRONED!
NUDE IN:Penthouse
BENEATH THE CROWN: Our first African-American Miss America also made blue balls history when Sapphically suggestive photos (pre-sash gash, if you will) of her caramel goodness showed up in Penthouse, effectively prompting her resignation. There's been no celluloid nudity for Nessa, but she gives a stellar over-40 lingerie show for Ugly Betty fans on the regular. And you just can't have a beauty-queen list without her.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Signing the consent form, owning it
TOP 10 FINALIST: SWIMWEAR EVENING GOWN COMPETITION
BEAUTY QUEEN:Nicole Eggert
PAGEANT: Miss Universe Petite
HONORS: Winner
NUDE IN:Blown Away (Picture: 1)
BENEATH THE CROWN: Blown away is an understatement. Baby beauty queen and former child star Nicole wanted Corey Haim in charge of her only non-body-doubled screen nakedness. Above average TA (not quite Miss Universe Petite, but pre-Baywatch bazongas) displayed in an average faux-sex-tape flick.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Decision making, riding it wet
TOP 10 FINALIST: SWIMWEAR EVENING GOWN COMPETITION
BEAUTY QUEEN:Farrah Fawcett
PAGEANT: Miss Dallas
HONORS: Winner
NUDE IN:Myra Breckinridge, Saturn 3 (Picture: 1), Extremities (Picture: 1), Farrah Fawcett: All of Me, Dr. T and the Women (Picture: 1)
BENEATH THE CROWN: At 23 or 50, Miss Dallas's glass-cutting nipples-heard-round-the-world are the stuff of which legends are made.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Bikini top-overspilling, lip service
TOP 10 FINALIST: SWIMWEAR EVENING GOWN COMPETITION
BEAUTY QUEEN:Maria Conchita Alonso
PAGEANT: Miss Venezuela
HONORS: Winner
NUDE IN:Moscow on the Hudson, Blood Ties, Extreme Prejudice, Con el Corazon en la Mano, Colors (Picture: 1), The House of Spirits (Picture: 1), Caught (Picture: 1), El Grito en el cielo, Blackheart (Picture: 1), Blind Heat
BENEATH THE CROWN: Miss Venezuela and all her lovely Latina splendor. Her comfort with her spicy tight bod make will make you sizzle south of the border.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Latin inches, butt Caracas
TOP 10 FINALIST: SWIMWEAR EVENING GOWN COMPETITION
BEAUTY QUEEN:Ewa Aulin
PAGEANT: Miss Teen Sweden
HONORS: Winner
NUDE IN:Candy (Picture: 1), Start a Revolution Without Me (Picture: 1), La Controfigura, Rosina Fumo viene in citt per farsi il corredo, Fiorina la vacca, Una Vita lungo un giorno (Picture: 1), Il Tuo piacere il mio, Quando l'amore sensualit, La Morte ha sorriso all'assassino (Picture: 1), The Legend of Blood Castle
BENEATH THE CROWN: Big eyes, lips, nips, and a penchant for showing her Swedish seat. Creamy skin and perfectly formed . . . just about everything.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Dropping the towel, letting it all hang out
TOP 10 FINALIST: SWIMWEAR EVENING GOWN COMPETITION
BEAUTY QUEEN:Shawn Weatherly
PAGEANT: Miss Universe
HONORS: Winner
NUDE IN:Thieves of Fortune (Picture: 1), Amityville: It's About Time (Picture: 1)
BENEATH THE CROWN: Miss Shawn takes you around the Universe with on-top simulation sure to lead to stimulation. Enhanced baby feeders and pageant bum have rarely looked finer.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Natural assets, warrior womanhood
TOP 5 SEMI-FINALIST: TALENT COMPETITION
BEAUTY QUEEN:Alba Parietti
PAGEANT: Miss Universe
HONORS: Non-Finalist represented Italy
NUDE IN:Bye Bye Baby, Il Macellaio (Picture: 1)
BENEATH THE CROWN: You'll be passionate for this Italian beauty's greased-up perfection in every direction. And her onscreen expressions of pleasure are uncanny. Small-to-medium canny.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Moaning and owning
TOP 5 SEMI-FINALIST: TALENT COMPETITION
BEAUTY QUEEN:Kim Basinger
PAGEANT: Junior Miss Georgia
HONORS: Winner
NUDE IN:9 1/2 Weeks (Picture: 1), Final Analysis, The Getaway (Picture: 1 - 2), 8 Mile, The Door in the Floor
BENEATH THE CROWN: Junior Miss Georgia peaches are always in season. And her ass is spectacular. 9 1/2 weeks=9 1/2 minutes. Tops.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Alley sex, leaving my hat on
2ND RUNNER-UP: FINAL INTERVIEW
BEAUTY QUEEN:Pam Grier
PAGEANT: Miss Colorado
HONORS: Non-finalist
NUDE IN:Women in Cages, The Big Doll House (Picture: 1), Hit Man, Cool Breeze, Black Mama, White Mama (Picture: 1), The Big Bird Cage, Coffy (Picture: 1), Foxy Brown (Picture: 1), Friday Foster, Bucktown, Drum
BENEATH THE CROWN: Colorado's loss was our gain. Pam's natural mammoth mountain range and dangerous curves are disarming. Thanks for disrobing!
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Nothing. I concede.
1ST RUNNER-UP: FINAL INTERVIEW
BEAUTY QUEEN:Sharon Stone
PAGEANT: Miss Crawford County
HONORS: Winner
NUDE IN:Irreconcilable Differences, Cold Steel, Action Jackson, Blood and Sand, Total Recall, Year of the Gun, Scissors, Basic Instinct (Picture: 1), Sliver, The Specialist (Picture: 1), Intersection, The Quick and the Dead, Casino, The Muse (Picture: 1), If These Walls Could Talk 2 (Picture: 1), A Different Loyalty, Basic Instinct 2 (Picture: 1)
BENEATH THE CROWN: Is there anyone left on this beautiful Earth who does not know exactly what lies beneath the crown of the former Miss Crawford County?
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Sometimes wearing clothes, faking it to make it
MISS SKIN AMERICA
BEAUTY QUEEN:Halle Berry
PAGEANT: Miss Teen All American, Miss Ohio USA, Miss USA, Miss World
HONORS: Winner, Winner, 1st Runner-Up, 4th Runner-Up
NUDE IN:Introducing Dorothy Dandridge (Picture: 1), Swordfish (Picture: 1), Monster's Ball (Picture: 1 - 2), Gothika
BENEATH THE CROWN: Halle-lujah!! She didn't get it from her mama, butt Miss Teen All American is a mochaccino Booty Queen and a righteous role model for pageant girls gone wild. Miss Ohio USA Billy Bobbles in all the right places. Even I feel like I've hit that. Am I wrong?
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HER AT: Begging for it, working the Big Top on top 
