Mr. Skin Mr. Skin

By Frank Gaydau

My colleagues in the rag trade used to say to me, "You don't know dick." But if there was one thing that I did know it was dick - big dicks, hard dicks, slimy spent dicks. I couldn't get enough. One in the hand, two in my mouth, three up my ass - I was a connoisseur of cock. Working in the fashion industry kept me balls-deep with likeminded studs. But then something happened. All that exposure to the radiant sexiness of supermodels sent my meat-seeking missile on a collision course with the sweet, pink, sugar walls of vaginal intercourse. I boldly went where no homosexual had gone before, straight sex.

No one was more surprised than me as my queer eye wavered for the straight guy and focused on lady lust. Ever since I was a young limp-wristed sissy-boy, my nostrils flared at the sight of anus. Tight pants made my pocket rocket blast off. Razor stubble gave me an instant hard-on. Call me Buddy Hole, because if there was a place to stick my prick where another lavender-scented gentleman was waiting to take hold of it, I was ready to ride.

Naturally, with my talents as a seamstress and a love for designing clothes that make beautiful woman look ugly, it was only a matter of time before I graduated to the fast-paced world of New York City fashion. I worked hard during the day and wanked harder at night with my butt-boys. Nothing short of condom drought was going to stop me from raising the roof and lowering the drawers of hunky he-men.

Then a tingling in my ding-a-ling set off an alarm. That's because at the time I was looking at a model backstage changing into some silky garment before prancing out on the catwalk. She was a tall drink of water and I found myself surprisingly thirsty. When she took off her top my eyes followed the bouncing balls of her breasts to a place I had never been to. My trousers grew tight. There was an erection in there and all I wanted to do was rub it between the meaty expanse of her bosom!

It was a slow process, but now I'm completely reformed. Some say you're born gay, perhaps. But I'm now born to boff chicks. Listen to me, I sound like a construction worker. Girlfriend, let me reveal the scores of yummy supermodels that turned this pansy into a pussy panther.

CAROL ALT (Picture: 1)
While styling a Sports Illustrated spread with Carol, I was still heavily into men, so much so that I styled her in a jockstrap. As the photog began shooting and Carol's hefty hienie jiggled in the salty breeze, I began to feel a bit salty myself. I used to jerk off to all the other issues of Sports Illustrated, but Carol showed me that there's more to life than grabbing it by the balls.

TYRA BANKS (Picture: 1)
"Spare Tyra." That 's what this ebony goddess was called by one bitchy queen designer I was working with in Milan. Her 34-C cups didn't allow his creations to flow, so he said. I was removing one of those sheer tops when Tyra's super-sacks popped free and nearly gave me a black eye! Well, I thought, if it's a catfight she wants -and my claws came out. I didn't actually do it, but the moment my mind imagined my hands sunking into her chocolate cakes I knew brown would forever forward mean something different to me.

CHRISTINE BRINKLEY (Picture: 1)
Christie may have been Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl," but I never thought I'd be going downtown on her. I met her at the premiere for National Lampoon's Vacation (1983) (Picture: 1 - 2), where her skinny-dipping scene got me unusually wet. I was a bit tipsy and tripped over my own legs, which sent me headfirst into Christie's lap. I'd never been so close to that foul female hole before. Its fragrance filled my nostrils. I almost licked her silky panties like a dog. She gave me a pat on the head and told me to bury my bone somewhere else.

GISELE BUNDCHEN (Picture: 1)
When Victoria's Secret sent me down to Brazil to work with Gisele on a lingerie shoot. I was confused. Usually when I blame it on Rio, it's because of some South American bohunk has ditched his Speedos to gve me a bum-busting good time. But as I was flying south of the border with Gisele at my side, I found myself moving closer to her south of the border until we were squeezed tight, skin-to-skin. In a flight-induced fantasy, Gisele saw my hard-on ferociously trying to tear it's why from behind my zipper. "May I see it?" she asked. It was the first time any women had my pride and joy in their hands since dear old mom bathed me as a little tyke. She used it to stir her iced cocktail. That's as close to getting my rocks off as I got that flight.

NAOMI CAMPBELL (Picture: 1)
Naomi was coming off from the catwalk in one of her infamous temper tantrums. She pushed me aside and I fell on my rump, which gave me a clear up-skirt view of her ebony mountains. She wasn't wearing any underwear, which upset me because I designed those briefs. But I forgave her. It was the first time in my life I hungered for a hole that didn't have the word ass before it. I knew I had to lose my cherry to one of these goddesses soon or I'd be up shit's creek.

LAETITIA CASTA (Picture: 1)
The day I made the leap from man-meat to the woman's womb was while on vacation in France. Laetitia was on set filming La Bicyclette bleue (2000) (Picture: 1 - 2) and, boy, was my bicycle blue. Pounding my testicles against a guy's bottom just wasn't putting the spring in my prance anymore. It was time to take a bite of that forbidden fruit. Oh, if only it was the juicy peaches of Laetitia, but at least she was rooming with a cute Parisian tart that let me lick her frosting. I've had a sweet tooth ever since.

HELENA CHRISTENSEN (Picture: 1)
Once I got a taste of that sugar, I wanted to eat it all the time. My boyfriends looked at me as if I was a gay Republican, but I was just happy. I ran into Helena on Seventh Avenue, in the heart of New York City's fashion district, and had to tell her about my epiphany. The statuesque brunette told me I wasn't half-bad and now that I was batting for the other team maybe she'd give me a bang. I told her I love to eat some Danish! The Danish honey didn't understand, so I slapped her on her firm rear and skipped down the street.

CINDY CRAWFORD (Picture: 1)
I was randy, drunk on the smell of female, and I wanted to play a nasty prank on Cindy. She's very self-conscious of her trademark mole besides her full, sensual lips. I wanted to tell her that I knew a sure-fire way of removing it, but it was untraditional. Did she have a strong stomach? Yes, she would say, acting bravely. Good, I then tell her to get down on her knees. Next, I'd take my erection and pump it. Of course she'd be dumbstruck, knowing me as one of the fruitiest fruits in the fruit business. Then she would be come-struck as I spewed my load. Her mole remains, naturally, but one day I'll pull my prank and pud.

EVA HERIZGOVA (Picture: 1)
Eva was born in Czechoslovakia, and ever since I turned colors I wanted to put this male in the Czech! I started to become obsessed and made sure I got hired to work one of her numerous Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. She danced around the surf in little more than a thin black strand of butt-floss. It was nice to see an ass that wasn't hairy and rock hard, though seeing hers made me rock hard.

RACHEL HUNTER (Picture: 1)
The heart-on is a lonely Hunter. That was my come-on line for Rachel. She had just broken up with Rod Stewart and obviously needed another pair of "Hot Legs" to wrap around her. Rachel wasn't yet aware that I had lost my taste for men and so I acted even more queer than usual to put her off guard. She didn't buy my suggestive small talk, but humored me with a flash of her big tits. I'm still trying to Hunter down.

IMAN (Picture: 1)
Talk about confusing. Back when I was still a meat-and-potatoes man, I was on my way to a job and read the call sheet with the talent listed. One was named I Man. Yes, I thought, "I man, too," and I like man very much. Imagine my surprise when I get to the set and there's Iman, not a man at all but a black beauty that any man would love to ride. If I knew then what I know now about women I'd have tried to put my little man in Iman. Instead, I ended up in the dark room with the photog and developed some dirty pictures.

KATHY IRELAND (Picture: 1)
Kathy's got the cutest pair of tits - listen to me! I sound like a real man. Let me tell you, Kathy is a bit of a prude when it comes to nudity and I was assigned to apply a pair of pasties for a topless shot. I guess she trusted me because of my known sexual orientation, but little did she know I was a changed man. I was worried that when I styled her breasts I'd spew my pants and Kathy would look down at my soiled crotch and says, "Looks like your shoot is over."

MILLA JOVOVICH (Picture: 1)
Milla comes from the former Soviet Union, Kiev to be precise, and she turned this chicken hawk into a jerk chicken. Milla's lithe, perpetually teen-like body made for the perfect transition for me to go from man-lover to mam-lover. Her small breasts reminded me of a fat ex-boyfriend's flabby chest. I used to masturbate during down time on fashion shoots and I knew I was turning over a new fig leaf when my ex's chubby top was replaced in my mind's eye by Milla's minis.

HEIDI KLUM (Picture: 1)
Every since I was a child I heard that the Germans like things dirty, and I mean really filthy like dirty-diapers dirty. My old boyfriend Hans definitely liked to go brown, so to speak. I have to admit, even as I found myself lusting after women, I couldn't leave my old friend's behind. I had to have ass. That's where Heidi came in. I heard this frisky fraulein was open to all manner of mayhem. In my mind's eye I got hot thinking about her brown-eye. Imagine if she opened her butt-cheeks to expose her gaping asshole. I bet the secret of life is up there. I want to be too!

ELLE MACPHERSON (Picture: 1)
Elle sounded the alarm in my pants when she starred in Sirens (1994) (Picture: 1 - 2). I was still deep into hairy ass, actually Harry Ash, my lover at the time. I jumped at the opportunity to work as a stylist on the film set Down Under. Who'd have thought I'd soon go down under? That's right, after watching Elle's statuesque nudity I left Harry and hooked up with Hillary, another stylist on set, who first taught me how to shuck her clamshell.

KATE MOSS (Picture: 1)
A rolling stone gathers no moss and I thought I wouldn't either. Kate's rise to super-stardom during the height of heroin chic left me as cold as an overdosed junkie. But after working with her again and again I found myself drawn to her elfin good looks. Yes, she is a waif, but all women. I know; I checked. Well, I wanted to. Once while I was drunk at a wrap party, I fantasized sticking my hands down her pants. "I know you got what I want," I slurred, but I couldn't find the banger but there was a tangle mash in there. Then I realized my hand was in my own pants.

BIJOU PHILLIPS (Picture: 1)
"Bully for you," I said when Bijou told me be taking a role in the explicit film Bully (2001) (Picture: 1 - 2). The other day I took home the DVD and watched the extras. There was a time when I'd only jerk off to all those hot boys, but when I saw Bijou pinching her own nipples and kissing another girl, I got so turned on that I had to release the groin-tension. Does that make me a lesbian?

PAULINA PORIZKOVA (Picture: 1)
I had a thing for nonsymmetrical hairdos and getting rock stars out of their new wave clothing back in the Go-Go '80s and used to be the only guy groupie for the Cars. I think I would have gotten my hand on Ric Ocasek's stick shift, too, if that bitch Paulina didn't sweep my tall drink of water off his spindly feet. Now that I've change my wanton ways, I'd rather drive Paulina. Go figure -- and what a figure!

REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS (Picture: 1)
As "Mystique" in the X-Men series, Rebecca demanded a lot of makeup. But there was one beauty product she should have used when applying that all-over body paint. I learned from personal experience that a dollop of he-glop will do you. It keeps things stuck, and I suggested that I whip up my own adhesive to affix Rebecca's costume in place. They said I was crazy. Yeah, crazy like a fucks!

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI (Picture: 1)
Back when Isabella starred in Blue Velvet (1986) (Picture: 1 - 2), I was still totally into blue boys. She didn't help convert me, either. Mot with that terrifying nude scene where her trim needed more than a trim - it needed a gardener! Meow. Yes, I'm still a bitch with claws, even if I like pussy now.

CLAUDIA SCHIFFER (Picture: 1)
A while back, I bumped into Claudia at one of the Fashion Caf? She was dining with her then-fianc?b>David Copperfield. I'd not come out of the closet as a hetero yet, but the sight of Claudia in a low-cut gown was too much for me to stay quiet about. "Nice dish," I slipped. "Why don't you do a real good trick, David, and disappear." I was about to pull a rabbit out of my pants, but thought better of it.

NIKI TAYLOR (Picture: 1)
I love to mess with these young models' heads. I just never thought I'd want them to give me head. Niki is a sweet girl, but very innocent. She's shy and doesn't like to show off her incredible body. With her I had the pleasure of working with two giants in the industry, those being tit number one and tit number two. Like I said, I enjoyed teasing her, just like she teased me.

CHERYL TIEGS (Picture: 1)
Oh, the '70s and '80s were good days. I'm glad I didn't catch any deadly diseases - though I sure tried! When I look back on those days its not without some regret. For instance, there were ideals of the female form such as Cheryl bouncing around that I just ignored. Well, they weren't making bubbles in the bathhouse with me. But Cheryl is even hotter nowadays in her 50s, and I plan to give her a piece of my mound.

AMBER VALLETTA (Picture: 1)
Amber hosted MTV's House of Style back in the mid-'90s, around the time when I was working with a psychiatrist to "cure" me of my homosexuality. His remedy was to sit me down in front of the TV and manipulate my manhood while Amber strutted her half-naked stuff onscreen. Well, it didn't work, but I managed to the head-shrinker's head quite big. Boy, was mom happy when I brought a doctor home!

RACHEL WARD (Picture: 1)
Rachel told me she wanted to give up the life of a mannequin and become an actress. "What's the difference?" I said. "Both are whores!" Bitchy, I know, but we're all like that. I'm mellowed since I stopped traveling the fudge tunnel. Now, I'm very supportive of Rachel's career move. I recently rented Night School (1981) (Picture: 1) and it really taught me how to hit the books - and by "books," I mean my dick!

ESTELLA WARREN (Picture: 1)
Yes, I'm straight now thanks to the gorgeous supermodels. But I do have my slips like any other former ass-addict. Like the time I went up to Canada to work with Nanook nookie Estella. The hair stylist was hung like a moose and it melted my igloo. Before I knew it I was banging boots, but I had to pull one of the cute female assistants in for a threesome. I mean, sure, I'll such a dick or two, but I'm no cocksucker!