By Peter Landau

On November 16 The Criterion Collection releases an extra-packed DVD edition of Robert Altman's Short Cuts (1993), the freewheeling director's take on the minimalist short stories of Raymond Carver. Criterion produces the Rolls Royce of DVDs, with pristine prints and more added value than any company outside of Blue Underground and Disney. And since Mr. Skin is the Rolls Royce of celebrity nudity, with Short Cuts being one of Altman's moist skinful productions, it's only fitting that we pause to examine the erotic side of Hollywood's iconoclastic helmsman.

Altman was riding his second wave of popularity by the time Short Cuts came out, hot on the heels of the Oscar-nominated Hollywood send-up The Player (1992). He suffered through a period of forgettable features for nearly two decades after the release of Nashville (1975), the last of his initial burst of swinging '60s creativity, ripe with swinging udders of free-loving hippie chicks. But even during those lean years, Altman threw his audiences a bone in the boner-inducing nakedness of actresses who couldn't keep their tops on for the great director.

More than a critic's darling, Altman is often cited as an actor's director. Well, Mr. Skin would like to qualify that by saying that his ability to keep the costume designer away from his stars' bodies is worth note. Ironically, in the nudity-drenched Aria (1987), which features short vignettes by ten different directors, Altman's segment is one of the few that has no dirty bits. But he's not so skingy when he is the sole director. In a career that has produced over forty features, fifteen of those can be fast-forwarded through to highlight the breast scenes. Below, in chronological order, is a sexy survey of where Altman and skin intersect.

THAT COLD DAY IN THE PARK (1969)
Though better known as the chick who almost got between A Boy and His Dog (1975), Susanne Benton has the distinction of being the first actress to take it all off for Altman, who at the time was struggling for his big break in Tinseltown. This movie may not have raised Altman's star, but it sure raised viewers' pants planets. The story is about Sandy Dennis, a lonely spinster who invites a young boy she meets in the park to live with her. Susanne, as the boy's sister, exposes herself in a bathtub scene. But surprisingly Linda Sorenson, who plays a hooker, keeps her clothes on. Altman is always going against type.

M*A*S*H (1970)
This movie launched not only Altman's career but a TV show as well. All that is well and good, but it's Sally Kellerman's steamy performance as Major Margaret O'Houlihan--or as the combat surgeons in Korea called her, Hot Lips--that makes this anti-war picture a masturbation-piece (Picture: 1 - 2). The striking blonde had never done a nude scene prior to M*A*S*H and claims to have not wanted to do one. More kudos to Altman's power as a director for convincing her to appear completely nude in the now-famous shower scene in which the troops rally around her rag to see if Hot Lips is a real blonde. Sally must have enjoyed all those strange eyes on her skin, because she's gone on to have quite the skinful career.

BREWSTER MCCLOUD (1970)
Altman says this movie's about bird shit. It's a fair cop, but more conventionally it's about Bud Cort's attempt to fly. There is a great deal of fowl droppings, though, that segues between scenes. And speaking of birds that show off their shit, Sally Kellerman must have been quite comfortable with getting nude for Altman in M*A*SH, because she offers up sloppy seconds here. She plays a mysterious character with the license plate BRD-SHT (an example of Altman's penchant for oddball humor) who may be responsible for a series of murders where the victims are found covered in bird poop. What does it all mean, viewers may ask. But they'll forget that question halfway through when Sally dances topless in a fountain. It's sure to set viewers' fountains spewing.

McCABE AND MRS. MILLER (1971)
After the success of M*A*S*H Altman proved he didn't care about box office by releasing the bizarre Brewster McCloud. But maybe he wasn't that oblivious to commercial clout, as he followed that with this more mainstream picture. It stars Warren Beatty and Julie Christie, two of the era's biggest draws, and is a western, the foundation of filmdom's success. Of course this being an Altman film, the genre is subverted and Beatty rides into town not to get the bad guy but to build a brothel. Jackie Crossland, Linda Sorenson, and Janet Wright are three barroom broads who take a bath together, fondling each other and exposing their tumbleweeds. They add some more skin throughout the film, making this the best little whorehouse in Altman's career.

IMAGES (1972)
The one thing viewers can be sure of in Altman's symbolic head-scratcher Images is that the moist revealing image is that of star Susannah York's bush (Picture: 1 - 2). Altman has a special attraction to the furry bits of his stars, as evident later in his career, and with Susannah he had a hairy subject more than willing to go that extra yard to make the viewer grow an extra yard. Susannah was no stranger to skin, having already exposed her British boobs in The Killing of Sister George (1969) (Picture: 1 - 2), but it was Altman who was able to get her to expose her kidney pie. The perv-formance earned her an Academy Award for best actress, but at Skin Central she holds an Anatomy Award. (Now if only she'd hold Mr. Skin.)

THE LONG GOODBYE (1973)
Raymond Chanlder's quintessential private dick, Philip Marlowe, gets uprooted from his normal '40s milieu to La-La Land in the anything-goes early '70s. He doesn't fit in with his yoga-twisted neighbors and health-conscious heavies, who include Arnold Schwarzenegger in an early uncredited appearance in his underwear. Marlowe, as played by Elliot Gould, is still a moral animal outraged by the culture of excess and ego, so much so that he ignores the nakedness of California creamin' Rutanya Alda in her first nude scene. It wasn't her last, though, as she showed up in another counterculture update, Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (1973) (Picture: 1) . Her pistols are out of their holsters and they don't shoot blanks.

THIEVES LIKE US (1974)
Altman went from cops to robbers as he followed, in his famously plotless way, the trials and tribulations of bank-robbing thieves in the '30s. This period piece is filled with fine pieces, including Louise Fletcher, who went on to win an Oscar for playing the hated Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975). The movie is nude-able, though, for the one and only onscreen skin by tall drink of water Shelley Duvall, who was an Altman regular. So drink up from her small cups, which are only seen in this old-fashioned bathtub scene (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3). Shelley may be skinny, but with a backside as full and round as the one exposed here, she's obviously built for action.

NASHVILLE (1975)
Shelley Duvall lovers got a second dose of their sexy string bean in this sprawling tale of honky-tonkers in the twang capital of America. No, she's not naked, but she looks awfully fetching in pigtails and a pair of tighty-whities that barely cover her wide and wonderful rear-end (Picture: 1 - 2) . Not that Nashville is skinless. Now that would be a sad song. Thanks to Gwen Welles, who had already earned her skin pedigree in the full-frontal nude debut of Hell?em> (1971) and showed a bit of tit in Hit! (1973) (Picture: 1), Nashville is another Altman top of the pop (offs). Gwen plays a singer who entertains the crowd not with her song but when she follows the advice of a heckler and takes it off (Picture: 1). Looks like she's got a pair of tits, ah, that is hits on her.

A WEDDING (1978)
The debate at Skin Central as to what is Mia Farrow's most perverse performance (outside of her relationship with Woody Allen, of course) continues to this day. The site highlights her devilish appearance in Rosemary's Baby (1968) (Picture: 1) . It's nice, but much of her skin time onscreen is actually handled by a body double. So in this humble reviewer's mind, A Wedding has to stand as the breast of Mia's mini-mams, which are shown unobstructed for a few seconds about an hour and eleven minutes into Altman's satire of holy mam-trimony. Again, it takes a director like Altman to coax the cuties out of his usually skinless stars. Here, Mia is topless wearing a wedding veil and holding a bouquet of flowers . . . and she's blooming beautiful!

O.C. AND STIGGS (1987)
It's an odd union, Altman and the jokers at National Lampoon, who created the characters of this film's title, but they end up being two great tastes that taste great together. O.C. and Stiggs were the Beavis and Butt-head of their day, and this was Altman's late entry into the heady genre of teen sex comedies. While the comedy aspect may be up for debate, the sex is indisputable thanks to the brilliantly white tan lines of Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon, seen racing out from a pool where she was skinny dipping. If that's not spankable, in all definitions of the word, then what is? Well, maybe her role in Advice from a Caterpillar (1999). The caterpillar's advice seems to be: go topless, young mam.

THE PLAYER (1992)
Ironically, Altman got back in the game commercially after helming this attack on the Hollywood hand that feeds him. But whether Altman is directing a hit or a dud, there's always one constant, and that's his appeal for peeling off the clothes of his actresses. In this case the peeler is Cynthia Stevenson, who plays the assistant and lover (though in Tinseltown isn't that somewhat redundant?) of player Tim Robbins. The two share a hot tub, and Cynthia's small buoys bob just above the surface (Picture: 1). The only other time Cynthia's girls-next-door were exposed was in the aptly titled Live Nude Girls (1995) (Picture: ). Other players may have been bashful in Altman's hit, but they're not opposed to nudity. Greta Scacchi (who plays the unthinkable--a character uninterested in the movies) became a hall of famer thanks to her role in The Coca-Cola Kid (1985) (Picture: - )--it's the real thing.

SHORT CUTS (1993)
In the world of skin there is no argument--this is Altman's muff-see movie. A four-star rating on Mr. Skin puts it in the company of a few good mams, and it deserves this privileged distinction. More actresses per frame are naked here than in any other Altman movie. That such a pornucopia could be mined from the literary slice-of-life stories of Raymond Carver is either a testament to Altman's talent or to his perversity. Anne Archer bares just a bit of tush as she sits on the edge of her tub (Picture: ) . It's not as life saving as her nudity in Lifeguard (1976) or as lengthy as her (or rather her body double's) exposure in Body of Evidence (1993), but it was just the pinch of seasoning needed to spice up the mix. Frances McDormand offers an equally quick flash of all her finery (Picture: - ); again nothing as eye-catching as her titty flash in Laurel Canyon (2002) (Picture: ), but at least she let the fur fly. And Frances wasn't alone. In a twist on the usual topless scene, Altman has Julianne Moore go bottomless. Yes, she's a real redhead. In the long scene in which she's arguing with Matthew Modine (how can he manage to concentrate on anything but Julianne's burning bush?), Altman delivers one of the hottest scenes of his career (Picture: - - ). Not that Lori Singer doesn't give Julianne a run for her cunny. In her scene, she strips nude before taking a skinny dip (Picture: - ). It'll make a splash in your pants. Last but not least is Madeleine Stowe, who poses naked for Julianne (Picture: )--and it will perk up your paint brush. Short Cuts is a long movie, but it's not short on cuties.

READY TO WEAR, a.k.a. Pr??orter (1994)
Many consider Altman's golden period to be the early '70s, but in terms of skin it would have to be the mid-'90s. With Short Cuts still simmering in audiences' groins, Altman delivered a send-up of the fashion industry, and it has designs on viewers' inseams. While you have to wait over an hour before the skin show begins, it's worth the wait. Polish sausage-pleaser Katarzyna Figura (Picture: ) brings the curtain up on the skin by pulling up her skirt and flashing her model ass. Old-time Altman skinster Sally Kellerman flashes her Model Ts, as in tits, soon after (Picture: ). In the climactic ending, Altman literally shows that the emperor isn't wearing any clothes. Real-life models Georgianna Robertson (Picture: ), Eve Salvail (Picture: ), and Tara Leon (Picture: ) strut their stuff on the runway while completely nude and are joined by similarly unclad actresses Rossy de Palma (Picture: ) and Ute Lemper, who was extremely pregnant at the time. It'll get a standing ovation in your pants.

THE GINGERBREAD MAN (1998)
The Bush Trilogy concludes with this, another odd-couple mix with Altman behind the camera and blockbuster potboiler novelist John Grisham writing the screenplay, though he had his name removed from the credits. It was not the match made in box-office heaven that some might think. The fumbled noir exercise has a lot of twists and turns, but it only comes alive when Embeth Davidtz gets completely naked in a full-frontal, albeit dark, scene (Picture: - ) . Still, it's enough to give this gingerbread man a sweet new appendage.

DR. T AND THE WOMEN (2000)
There is another vagina shot filmed in graphic detail here, but unless you go for live birth films it may not be your cup of tease. But it does fit into this story about Richard Gere as a Dallas gynecologist who treats a bunch of famous actresses, many of whom get naked. Kate Hudson sadly isn't one of them, but she does play a cheerleader who gets the hots for Liv Tyler's pompoms. Charlie's favorite angel, Farrah Fawcett, does a naked dance in a public--or should that be pubic?--fountain (Picture: - ). That fifty-year-old bush looks as tempting as ever. Northern Exposure's Janine Turner isn't as adventuresome, but she shows off her southern exposure in Gere's examining room (Picture: ). Holly Pelham proves Gere's diversity as a doctor, as he feels her up during a breast examination (Picture: ). But it's Helen Hunt's nude stroll and topless bedroom antics (Picture: ) that prove you can't spell terrific without Dr. T!


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