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In my nocturnal ramblings through cyberspace, I recently came across a list of the hottest vampires in cinematic history, in anticipation, no doubt, of the second episode of True Blood tomorrow night.


At first I was confused and alarmed, because all of the female I know that got into acting wanted to keep their identity as members of the undead under wraps. Not all of them were smart about it, though. I’m not naming names, of course. (Rose McGowan and Fairuza Balk.)

But then I saw, to my relief, that they were actually listing mortal actresses who played vampires on film. The list mentions some of my favorites, including Soledad Miranda, Lucy Liu, Monica Bellucci, Salma Hayek, Angie Everhart, and Carla Gugino.

But a whole host of boobtastic babes that no self-respecting bloodsucker could forget are absent from the list. It is my duty as Chief Undersex-retary in charge of Naked Actresses for the All-Transylvania Secret Sodality of Monsters Encouraging Nudity (A.S.S.M.E.N. for short) to remedy this situation.

To that (rear) end, here are five more incredible hot movie vampires for your sanguine and salubrious skin-tillation.

Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger.

This lovely French pastry’s lesbo pairing with Susan Sarandon could give a stiffie to a corpse! I know what you’re thinking. Everyone assumes dead bodies are naturally stiff, but rigor mortis only lasts about 72 hours. Trust me.

Caroline Neron in Eternal.

Caroline portrays my old friend Countess Elizabeth Bathory in this little Canadian horror gem. As you may know, Liz’s passion for canoodling with nubile young women surpasses even mine, and Caroline really gets this across in her kinky Sapphic sex scene with Ilona Elkin. Sweet Caroline, blood times never seemed so good!

Cristina Ferrare in Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary.

One-time wife of John Delorean and author of some book about menopause (a sad time for us vampires who are sometimes forced by circumstances to live by what we can find in women’s bathroom trash cans) Christina plays a boob-baring bisexual bloodsucker in this forgotten masterpiece of vampire cinema. And the great John Carradine plays her father.

Ingrid Pitt in The Vampire Lovers.

One of the many movies based on the 1872 Gothic novella Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, The Vampire Lovers also stars Peter Cushing, who made the hateful figure of vampire killer Professor Van Helsing a household name in England. Ingrid shows off her glistening glutes and gazongas as she steps out of the tub in a bathroom she’s sharing with the also topless Madeline Smith.

Tina Krause in An Erotic Vampire in Paris.

This is one of my favorites. Like many lovers of the mamtastic and the macabre, I have a thing for Misty Mundae. Let’s just say I’d like to stick my stake in her and seeing her go at it with Tina was better that the time the bloodmobile crashed outside my house (I killed everyone on board.)

I hope you enjoyed this haunting host of hoots, heinies and hairpies. Until next time, my friends, fangs for the mammaries!