Mr. Skin Mr. Skin

By Kimberly Martin

Welcome to Gigolo 101, the five-lesson class where I teach you Tinseltown's "trades of the tricks"--the "tricks" all you straight guys would just love to turn with rich, beautiful supermodels (or with fat chicks or old ladies, as long as they're paying). Please keep at least one hand free so you can take notes. And try not to be too disappointed by the career outlook--there's always trade school.

LESSON 1: If men could do this, there'd be no other jobs! (or, Don't quit your day job)

I'll never forget this most pithy remark, made to me on my second day on the job by the hooker who showed me the ropes of escorting. Probably no truer words have ever been spoken. Of course, there are some men out there excepting this rule and "doing it" all the time for money ... but most of them are gay, or at least bi ("bi" being the ancient Sanskrit root for "anything that moves").

Once most hetero men hear they gotta do "that" to make it as a man-whore, their daydream gets mentally filed alongside other stuff of myth like mermaids, unicorns, and the thirty-minute orgasm ... because for most 100%-grade-A straights, making it in "ladies only" land is about as fantastical.

But what is Hollywood if not the factory of DREAMS? If Kevin Costner could "build it" and make a bunch of dead baseballers come, it's not too hard to believe that a guy like Richard Gere can throw on some Armani and drive a black Mercedes SL to make a bunch of elderly rich ladies do the same thing, like he did in American Gigolo (1980).

For the female skinophiles, this movie's a great chance to check out Richard's "Gear" as well! But guys, here's a little secret for you: If Richard Gere could make a living lapping labia, he probably wouldn't be an actor in the first place. But then again, he's Richard Gere. Why should he bother with saggy-mammed matrons when he's already getting paid to paw on Patricia Carr, grab two handfuls of Lauren Hutton, and get more than an eyeful of skyclad sunbathers Michele Drake and Linda Horn?

LESSON 2: Don't count on escorting to land you your big literary break.

Andy Garcia is almost convincing as a literary failure-cum-"gentleman of the evening" in The Man from Elysian Fields (2001), made more so by the fact that his "pimp" is Mick Jagger.

But don't let Sir Mick fool you into thinking that just any old struggling writer can pick up a part-time gigolo gig to make ends meet until the Pulitzer Prize-winning author husband of one of your gorgeous, wealthy clients asks you to co-write his next book.

The most unbelievable thing in this flick, though, is that the unceasingly unclothed Olivia Williams stays submerged under satiny sleepwear and sheets the whole time (and nobody else gets naked either!). No stranger to sleepers, Ms. Williams's full (frontal) body of work also makes an appearance in other Sundance-y fare like The Heart of Me (2002), Mood Swingers (2000), and The Postman (1997).

LESSON 3: Even short, ugly guys can get paid to get laid ... as long as they're completely surrounded by incredibly stupid people and don't mind romancing women who belong in the circus.

This is what Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999) and Loverboy (1989) have to teach us. But landing your whoring gig this way has more to do with luck than learning, thanks to the same cosmic principle that ensures all lotteries are won only by people from trailer parks who will be even poorer white trash than they already were in less than two years.

Rob Schneider goes from cleaning out fish tanks to eating out fat skanks after being mistaken for a dashing, successful gigolo (whose $6,000 aquarium he also happens to break while house sitting and has to replace). But who can blame poor Deuce for slipping near the glass--he was probably just thinking about the earlier scene where pet-shop girl Bree Turner's buoys came a-bobbing up through her water-soaked shirt after she leaned into an aquarium to grab some snails. A wet tee also clings to Bree's Bobsey Twins in Sorority Boys (2002).

Ten years earlier, Patrick Dempsey (think Screech from Saved by the Bell but with slightly more testosterone) in Loverboy played a pizza delivery boy who became the topping of choice among his female customers ... who all happen to be really hot and rich. Sadly none of them get naked (since this is "family-friendly" sex-for-money fare), but happily most of them have!

Conquest Kirstie Alley (before she became the fat lady in the tabloid circus) slipped a whole lot of nip in Blind Date (1984). Nancy Valen (Dempsey's "Lover-girl"-friend) went on to Baywatch babedom. Nicaraguan nympho Barbara Carrera is nude in, like, everything made between 1976 and 1996 (including Embryo [1976], I, the Jury [1982], Wild Geese II [1985], Point of Impact [1993], and Tryst [1994]). Even Pee-Wee Herman's girlfriend Dotty, Elizabeth Daily, showed her jugs to a jock in Valley Girl (1983).

LESSON 4: After awhile, things can get a little "queer". The dangerous lives of callboys.

Okay, class. I can tell some of you are starting to get fidgety--looks like the "movie magic" might be wearing off. Now that all this "fairy dust" is settling, you can finally see what's been missing from all these "fake" gigolo movies--fairies!

Real gigolos rarely make all their money from women, and when the going gets tough, the tough sometimes have to get GAY. Even Angelina Jolie's dad can't keep the ladies lining up for two straight hours in Midnight Cowboy (1969). Toward the end of the movie he ends up having to take one for the team--in his tight end. Maybe if he'd taken off that G-A-Y cowboy hat more often we could have seen someone besides Sylvia Miles, Jennifer Salt, and Brenda Vaccaro naked!

It's also hard to believe that David Bowie services "ladies only" in Just a Gigolo (1979), a drag queen's wet dream if there ever was one. Not to question Mr. Sane's sexuality, but life's quite a "cab-a-GAY" here in Weimar Germany, where Bowie's clients, I suspect, are really just closeted cross-dressers, since all the "real" women appear to be lesbians. The only woman who gets sexy at all is Sydne Rome, whose cleavage bewitches during a lounge act in front of a whole room of women. The "gig"(olo) is up by the time Marlene Dietrich croaks the film's title track in full man-drag.

LESSON 5: Say no to smack.

This is probably the most important lesson of all for aspiring gigolos who don't wish to surf the seven seas of sodomy with the butt pirates who populate such female-flesh-free fare as Andy Warhol's Flesh (1968), Christiane F. (1981), or any other "gay-junkie-gritty-streets-crying-ODing-fucking-&-dying" movie of your choice. There is no reason to get addicted to smack if you prefer sex with women. Women are much more difficult to pick up in public restrooms, for one thing ...