Mr. Skin Mr. Skin

By Kimberly Martin

Since the days when Oedipus refilled the very same womanly hole from which he initially emerged, many a feverish, one-fisted flesh fete has been furthered by an "all in the family" fantasy -- specifically, fornication with somebody's mommy.

Hence the birth of the acronym Mom I'd Like to Fuck, hereafter shortened to MILF.

The tantalizinglyu forbidden fruit of the MILF has been quite the fad since the American Pie films. Whether the fetish in question is your friend's mom, your stepmom, or the woman directly above you on the family tree, we're talking about fruit that's ripened to perfection and has just gotten juicier with age.

When Dustin Hoffman muzzled his sizeable snout into Mrs. Robinson's matronly mammaries in The Graduate (1967), screwing someone's mom seemed sort of serious. By the '80s it was celebrated in a smattering of teen sex flicks.

Now it seems there are movies, TV shows and rock songs everywhere telling every mother's son to plow their virgin seed into well-fallowed fields. On The O.C. you've got Melinda Clarke's (Picture: 1) character (Julie Cooper) having sex with her teenage daughter's boyfriend.

In the MTV smash "Stacy's Mom" video, the boys from Fountains of Wayne give us more than a few near-nip-slips as Rachel Hunter (Picture: 1) lounges by the pool in nothing more than a towel and dances around a pole in the kitchen. Hooray for the MILFs! All the better for the teen pregnancy rates, I say, not to mention giving dowdy housewives something to look forward to.


CONTEMPORARY MOVIE MILFs

AMERICAN PIE (1999), AMERICAN PIE 2 (2001), AMERICAN WEDDING (2003)
MILF: Jennifer Coolidge
The first American Pie ignited the most recent "MILF" trend, giving hundreds of menopausal moms a chance to feel young again (or at least make a couple hundred bucks on the Internet). (Apparently the "sex with pies" thing didn't take off quite as well in cyberporn.)

American Pie makes it clear that MILFs are the best "rite of passage" available for sensitive, intelligent teen boys who can't get laid (like Finch). Don't "dumb it down" for girls your own age, the movie seems to say -- hold out for a woman who will truly understand you, like one of your friends' moms, hopefully the mother of a friend you don't like very much (Stifler). Afterward you can simultaneously sneeze at his mother's virtue and trumpet your own sexual prowess.

TADPOLE (2002)
MILFs: Sigourney Weaver (Picture: 1), Bebe Neuwirth (Picture: 1)
In Tadpole,15-year-old supergenius Oscar Grubman (Aaron Stanford) falls in love with his stepmother, played by Sigourney Weaver. When the Alien lady rejects him, he hooks up with her best friend Bebe Neuwirth.

In a world flooded with teen girls trying to be like Britney or the Olsens, this sensitive, French-speaking young man would rather hold out for a fine aged wine instead of a wine cooler.

THE MOTHER (2003)
GILF: Anna Reid
Even the British are jumping into the MILF arena, trying to one-up us with a GILF flick (G as in Grandmother), The Mother (2003), starring Anna Reid. Gratuitous granny grabbing goes on when Anna's husband kicks the bucket. The old man's barely settled into his grave when grandma starts getting it on with her daughter's tough-guy boyfriend.

This flick made me wonder if its producers get this MILF thing at all -- you can really tell that Anna's 30 years older than her boy toy (when he does her from behind you can see her saggy sacs swinging back and forth).

Plus, she doesn't look a thing like Rachel Hunter. Princess Di must've been England's last MILF ... now all we've got is AbFab reruns and Fergie.


90s MILFs

THE GRIFTERS (1990)
MILF: Anjelica Huston (Picture: 1)
The twisty 1990 noir flick The Grifters set the tone for a decade of movies about "Motherfuckers" -- guys getting it own with their own moms. Not exactly the stuff of teen sex romps. In this flick, John Cusack is obviously boinking his mother (Anjelica Huston), but it's Annete Bening (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) who bares the bush and boobage. Not too "tit"-i-llating in the MILF department, but worth it for the bare Mrs. Warren Beatty.

SLEEPWALKERS (1992)
MILF: Alice Krige (Picture: 1)
Two years later, Alice Krige plays a feline/vampiric monster who moves to a sleepy New England town with her son (Brian Krause) in Stephen King's Sleepwalkers(1992). Since she and her son are the only two of their kind, they bang each other regularly in between meals -- the blood of young female virgins. To complicate matters, Alice gets insanely jealous of Tanya, the first girl Charles brings home for (their) dinner. Santa Sangre-style psychosis follows as mama decides her son can't eat his cake and fuck it too.

SPANKING THE MONKEY (1994)
MILF: Alberta Watson
Spanking the Monkey (1994) is a sterling example of bleak "forbidden sexual angst" flicks that were briefly popular in fashion during the Lollapalooza decade Alberta Watson (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) plays Susan, an unhappy housewife who forces her son Ray to pass up a summer internship at MIT and stay home with her after she breaks her leg. Weirdo Ray gets stiff as a plaster cast from rubbing his mama's legs and helping her take showers. Alberta flops around quite a bit in the bath due to her handicap, giving a great peek at her milksacks. Before too long this dirty duo get drunk and screw, but, unable to take it like a man, Ray ends up trying to kill her. Not the kind of guy you'd want to bring home to mother ... but in his case, he was already there!


80s MILFs

VALLEY GIRL (1983)
MILF: Lee Purcell
Lest we forget, American Pie is a descendent of defining 80s teen sex comedies like Valley Girl (1983), wherein Lee Purcell plays Beth, a certified 30-something stunner, who competes with her stepdaughter Suzi for the attention of Skip the grocery delivery boy.

Lee starts putting the moves on Skip when he shows up at their house for Suzi's party. Next thing you know, Skip is trying to stick a baguette in Suzi's mom by the pool while Suzi's still in school. By the time prom rolls around there's a great full-frontal shower scene (partially exposed by a steamy door) when Skip sneaks into the house one day to "return one of Suzi's books."

BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (1989)
MILF: Anna Stock-Poynton
In the first Bill & Ted flick, the MILF is Bill's stepmom Misty (Amy Stock-Poynton), a hot little bleach blonde who was a senior when Bill and Ted were freshmen, and the cause of Bill's "minor Oedipal complex." No nudity ensues, but there's a great almost-glimpse of Amy's funbags when she leans over in a very loose and low-cut Lurex sweater. Bill's dad promptly locks the gruesome twosome two out of the room. ("Now your Dad's going for it, in your own room!" "Shut up, Ted!" "Remember when I asked her to the prom?" "Shut up Ted.") In Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991), Misty's back to divorce Bill's dad, marry Ted's dad, and send both boneheads to hades.


70s MILFs

LUNA (1979)
MILF: Jill Clayburgh (Picture: 1)
In La Luna, Jill Clayburgh (Picture: 1 - 2) plays a MILF who starts suckling her 14-year-old son in attempt to get him off ... of heroin, that is. From the looks of things, Jill's getting off too. She figures a nice piece of mama's amazingly mountainous muff will take junior's mind off of smack ... well, it's a lot cheaper than rehab. When all other interventions have failed, incest is best!

PINK FLAMINGOS (1972)
MILF(???): Divine (Picture: 1)
And just to round out the list with the MILF that puts them all to shame we have Divine (though she isn't exactly a mom, or even a female -- some may argue that she's more than even just a human!). Here, the former Harris Glen Milstead plays a mother, whose grown son Crackers is a filthy hippie. Feast your eyes on the most graphic hardcore incestuous/homosexual mother-son blow job scenes in cinematic history. ("Do my balls, Mama! Do my balls!") -- and then try to keep down your lunch as admirably as Divine herself does when disposing of doggy-doo in the most unappetizing of fashions during Flamingos' famous closing moments.