Michaela Stoicov in Anthony's Desire (1993)

Pics

Review

I’m always complaining about how softcore films miss an important element when they stock their casts with bad actors and don’t bother putting together a meaningful script. This film is a great example of how I’m totally full of shit when I make that argument. This flick tries very hard to be meaningful and important and artistic but it all ends up looking as artistic as a crack whore playing a grand piano.

Mihaella Stoicov stars as a whore in an old brothel who falls for a john (Douglass DeMarco). While Stoicov spends the film essentially naked and getting rear-end invaded by DeMarco, she interrupts such scenes only to lie back on the bed and look wistfully into the distance. Meanwhile, DeMarco, for all his fine doggy-style work, does much the same, staring at the ceiling as if there was an adult-sized mobile hanging from the rafters. “Oooh, pretty!”

This is all supposed to impress upon us how artistic and erotic things are but in actual fact things are closer to autistic and neurotic. A sub-story where this entire tale is retold by softcore veteran Gwen Somers to a documentary filmmaker serves as absolutely no purpose other than to stretch a twenty-minute story into ninety minutes and director Tom Boka’s appearance as himself is perhaps the worst cameo appearance in movie history. People with hockey hair this bad need to be interned in a Czech Mullet Camp. In fact, maybe he was, since after this monstrosity, he’s never made another movie.

But the most ridiculous aspect of an already totally ridiculous experience must be the terrible dubbing. I dunno, maybe these folks were talking Latvian in the original production and if that’s the case then I take it all back – it’s the best Latvian softcore film since “Oops, My Donkey Farted.” Failing that, the dubbing is just really lazy filmmaking and a continual annoyance to the audience.

If softcore films with no sex and no dialogue and nobody actually even moving for seemingly minutes at a time entertain you, then Anthony’s Desire could well be the sort of film that you’d like to own. And an M-16 is probably the kind of gun you’d like to own… and you probably spend much time in bell-towers, scoping out the little black dots below, masturbating furiously as you yell “NO WIRE HANGERS!”.

Dude, seriously, amateurish pretentious garbage. Don’t bother.

Nudity Report: If this waste of video tape has one thing going for it, that’s the fact that there are nipples on the screen. Thank you Mihaella Stoicov for making perhaps the worst eighty minutes of my life somewhat less painful. Sure, she’s got that ‘used up’ Eastern European look about her but the appeal of full frontal nudity and faked shagging can not be denied under any circumstances. Adding to the skin experience are exotic dancers Ashlie Reigh, Debra K. Beatty and Anastasia Alexander, while Gwen Somers pseudo narrates things and basically teases.

Ratings: IMDB: 4.9/10, OZ: 1/5 - There are folks who claim to see hidden meaning in this film but all I saw was my lunch propelled across the carpet.

Versions: CABLE TV/DVD – Yes, that’s right, this thing is out on DVD. Which means there’s hope for any film to get a DVD out.


Written by: OZ