Marie Webster in The Night that Never Happened (1997)
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Review
The Night That Never Happened is your standard, run-of-the-mill Skinful Soft Core “thriller” featuring a host of familiar faces in a steamy story about sex, betrayal and more sex. There’s a gun in there, too…
Basically, what happens is a bachelor party gone wrong. The beginning of the film opens up with the always sexy (If a bit on the itty-bitty tittied side…) Kira Reed fighting with her asshole husband (David Milbern) whilst trying to get her shit together for a flight to her best friends’ wedding. She’s in a hurry, he’s a dick and won’t go and to top everything off, he forgot her birthday.
Kira storms out, gets in the SUV and heads off to the airport. On the way, she remembers that she forgot her present for the happy new couple. Thus, she turns around, goes home and catches asshole husband with “sexy babe” (J. Nichole Italiano-Zaza) doing the Horizontal Hokey Pokey in the living room. We saw that little plotline coming a mile away but what really kicked us in the ass was the fact that she just let him be and hurried off to the airport.
Right…
Following a ten-second flight to some unknown city, Kira meets up with her soon-to-be-wed pals, Josh Comen and Colleen McDermott, as well as the best man, Scott Coppola and another groomsman, Judd Dunning. For the record, none of these people could act their way out of a wet paper sack during a hurricane.
What follows is one of the biggest mysteries we’ve ever come across. Wife-to-Be lets Husband-to-Be go out with the boys for one last night. (After fucking, of course…) Here’s the kicker: Kira Reed, the Maid-of-Honor, tags along. Yee-hah.
In the real world, that would never happen. Neither would the following:
1. Engaged people not having sex for two months so the wedding night could be “special…” (They broke that little promise, though…)
2. Gangsters taking a worthless painting out of the trunk of a limo while leaving a perfectly good open sack of money (Est. value: $25,000…) right there where it lay…
3. Women having tequila shots together and not ending up having some hot lesbian sex.
Alright, so that last one only applies to the soft core movie world but they all happened within the framework of this particular little gem. The plot goes downhill from there, including a stripper (Lisa Boyle who stole some money to pay off a bookie, the drug dealer who wants it back, Reed and Coppola getting kidnapped, Comen being held prisoner by a dominatrix (Marie Webster) and everyone having at least one good bang. There are at least five semi-decent well-lit sex scenes with little left to the imagination. Pretty standard stuff…
The movie does have its pluses, though. There’s quite a bit of nudity, most from unidentifiable strippers who are kind enough to show off their piss-flaps. There’s even more nudity from all the principles, although there’s a scrotum-shot in there every now and again just to make you queasy… The surprise ending, of course, isn’t all that surprising, quite happy and won’t even remotely make you go “Huh?” but it’s still fun, so we won’t ruin it for you.
The picture, sound quality and acting, as per usual, are atrocious. Video accounts for the first two problems but that third one… Who knows… C+ on a genre-only scale. Otherwise, well into the D range…
Nudity Report: Kira Reed, Lisa Boyle, Marie Webster, J. Nichole Italiano-Zaza, Sandy Wasko and Colleen McDermott all show everything and several unidentified strippers do the same but closer to the brass pole.
Critics’ Vote: Like a critic would spend his or her time watching pulp like this…
IMDb Summary: 30+ readers have it at 5.8/10. Wow.
Box Office: Straight-to-Video
DVD Info: Bad transfer from a bad master, grainy, noisy, full-screen aspect ratio. It does have chapter-stops, though, in spite of the main menu. We’ll go ahead and guess that it was in stereo, but it’s pretty tough to tell for sure.
Written by: Vance Moravian