Jennifer Thomas in Bare Exposure (1993)

Pics

Review

Softcore veteran Ralph Portillo brings viewers yet another awfully written, awfully acted T&A snorer, this time following the adventures of a group of roommates who have to put on a wet T-shirt contest in order to keep one of their number from being hurt by the mob. Large breasts ensue.

Actually, large misshapen breasts. I don’t know which cross-eyed plastic surgeon performed the pre-production breast enlargements on this group of giggling gals, but whoever it was did a really bad job. Ashlie Rhey’s milk duds are okay I suppose, though they seem to point polar north, but some of the other’s mushmelons look like they’ve been glued on… in the wrong places. In fact, one of them has a breast which looks like it’s trying to make an escape. It’s not often that I can be distracted by a bad breast, i.e., when I hit the pause button several times just to try to figure out what happened to a woman’s nay-nay, without any actual desire for the breast itself, something’s gone terribly awry in softcoreville.

So here’s what it’s all about: Rhey and Parks are roommates who like to screw around, but the third in their group is a stiff. When she moves out and tells tales to the father of one of the girls, he in turn sends out a private detective to get more information. Why he’d do that and not just call up and chew the girls out is beyond me. What was he doing, collecting evidence for a trial?

The new third roommate is played by Andrea Suzanne, a woman who is good looking enough but as far as her acting ability goes, I think I could be more convincing as roommate #3… and I’m a guy. It’s no surprise that Bare Exposure was her first and last feature film.

And of course, the private dick on their tail is a big swinging moosejock who eventually gets a boner for one of the girls and helps them out when one of their friends gets in gambling trouble with the mob. The answer to all their problems? Hold a wet T-shirt contest to raise the money needed. Of course. What problem can’t be solved with a wet T-shirt contest? Especially in a Ralph Portillo film.

Actually, to blame Ralphy P for this crappy outing would be just wrong, as it’s written by the worst screenwriter in the world today, according to IMDB statistics, Jalee Bailey. Jalee has penned twelve softcore flicks now, and not one of them has received an IMDB rating of more than 4/10 – in fact most of them are rated around 2/10. Now, anyone can write a dog of a script, but when you write twelve in a row, why on earth would anyone keep hiring you? Could there be any greater indication that the producers of these movies don’t care than the fact that Jalee Bailey isn’t forced to live on cat food to survive?

You’re not likely see Bare Exposure on TNN anytime soon, in fact you’re unlikely to catch it on Cinemax – it’s that bad – but if you do find yourself in front of a TV screen and this film is playing, pray for a merciful end.

Nudity Report: Generous helpings of nudity abound in this flick, which almost makes it not painful to watch. The cute as hell Ashlie Rhey shows her ski-jumps butt and beaver a time or two, but it’s Tammy Parks who does the majority of the hump-work. Andrea Suzanne backs that up with a couple of triple-B displays, and a few unnamed topless extras shine their headlights on the wet T-shirt contest. But in all honesty, do yourself a favor and skip the movie – the best bits aren’t worth the worst.

Ratings: IMDB: 2.6/10, OZ: 1/5 - The girls are most definitely cute. But they really can’t act. And they really need some improvements to their plastic-work.

Versions: CABLE TV/DVD – Strangely, no VHS version is out there for this flick, but there is a DVD. It was long out of print when this review was written, which is a small mercy to be thankful for.


Written by: OZ