Blair Valk in Mexican Blow (2002)

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In the course of spending my life looking for filmed nude scenes, I end up watching a lot of bad movies, and a lot of odd ones. This is one of the oddest and one of the worst. What's so odd about it? Well, for one thing, how many other films can you name that star Yukmouth of the Luniz. Yup, that's his real name. No last name, just Yukmouth. The rest of his name is to distinguish him from the many other Yukmouths currently enrolled as SAG members. Why, there's Yukmouth of the Inuits, Yukmouth of the Lapps, and the rarely-seen Yukmouth Bukowski.

No, actually, there's only one Yukmouth, and he doesn't even use Yukmouth as his stage name. He just goes by Leonardo DiCaprio.

But I digress.

Imagine this film: the drug cartels are battling each other for control of some remote Mexican jungles, and they are gradually forcing out the native tribes. The natives decide to fight back.

OK, nothing so weird about that so far, right?

But there's a twist. The natives are led by The Chosen One, and he has magical powers. So it all comes down to some thugs with AK-47's against a naked indigenous wizard, who poses menacingly, waves his hands, and causes their factories and vehicles to blow up, and their "firesticks" to fly from their hands.

I don't know if I ever told you this, but I was almost The Chosen One. I came so close to being Chosen. In the 1976 Chosen Guy pageant, I was selected as first runner up, and if anything had happened to him and he had not been able to serve out his term, I would have had to take over his Chosen responsibilities. Why did I lose? Well, I beat him in the swimsuit competition and we were about even in the eveningwear, but he really kicked my ass in the talent competition. His talent was "perfect spiritual purity, and control of all time and space", while I sang a song from Naughty Marietta. I still think I would have beat him if I hadn't missed my high note.

Anyway, the Chosen One in Mexican Blow has all sorts of mystical limits on his powers. For example, if he uses his Chosen One powers rashly or in anger, he brings back to this world an evil sorceress who had been banished earlier by a previous Chosen One. There's no explanation of what happened to that earlier Chosen One. I guess he was later deselected. Those defrocked Ex-Chosen Guys are truly a forgotten minority. You hear about the Unchosen Ones, but nobody ever mentions Those Who Were Once Chosen and Have Recently Been Deselected. Forlorn and drinking too much, they spend most of their time hanging out with The Knights Who Up Until Recently Said Nee.

Mr Chosen does eventually screw up, thus causing the wicked witch to return to our plane of existence, and we end up with two heavily-armed drug cartels, an indigenous tribe with their spears, the evil sorceress, and The Chosen One all vying for control of the jungle turf.

At one point the drug lords gain the upper hand over The Chosen One by (I'm not making this up) getting him really drunk at a strip joint. You see, as a tribal chosen one, he is not familiar with the rituals of the city, including the dreaded Seductive Profit-Dancing and the deadly Drinks of a Thousand Pretty-Colored Umbrellas. At first, he's kinda naive when he first comes to the city, but by the end of the movie, he is Mr Urbane Chosen One, all decked out in skin-tight leather muscle clothes and dreadlocks, looking like Mario van Peebles playing Bernardo in a Jamaican interpretation of West Side Story.

Hoo boy.

Sidebar: somehow Jamie Luner ended up in this film!

Imagine you have two sound studios. In one, you are filming a low budget recreation of Scarface. Then imagine that Xena, Warrior Princess is being filmed in the other studio. Then imagine that budget cuts force the two groups to work together in one movie. There you have Mexican Blow.

It’s an F, but a truly odd film that I found interesting to watch for a few minutes, my jaw slack in disbelief. On the other hand, I have to rate it a C if the genre is "movies with Yukmouth of the Luniz.” I think Yukmouth fans will find plenty to like here.

Nudity Report: Estelle Bermudez shows her breasts in a strip club.

Critics Vote: No meaningful reviews online.

IMDb Summary: Not enough IMDb voters for a score.

Box Office: Currently a Blockbuster exclusive.


Written by: Scoopy …courtesy of Scoopy.net