Lauren Hays in Crime and Passion (1999)

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Crime and Passion (1999) is just about the closest you’ll get to hardcore porn without having to withstand the potential embarrassment of…purchasing hardcore porn. More a series of gasping and writhing lesbian sequences than an actual movie, Crime and Passion may not make a whole lot of sense, but it sure does work well as an advertisement for the Silicone industry. I like the real goods as much as any guy, but this flick showcases some of the most impressive fake knockers ever committed to film. That’s gotta be worth something.

Beware of any film in which the entire plot is told to you as the movie unfolds. You know, those eternal narrations that exist solely in Cinemax flicks and Zalman King movies. “I ran away from my horribly disgusting gangster husband, and then I was kidnapped by this buxom pair of outlaw strippers. We’ve holed up at this desolate Mexican hacienda, but I feel it’s just a matter of time before my fate…” You think I made that up? Nope, it’s from the movie! Now imagine reading about 55 more pages of that, and you have a good idea of how ‘dramatically intriguing’ Crime and Passion is.

But I’m no moron; I know why flicks like this are made, and it AIN’T for the plot intricacies or well-shaded character development. The “plot” moments exist solely so that horny guys enjoying the lesbian scenes can ‘chapter skip’ right ahead to something resembling an actual MOVIE should the mother-in-law or parole officer come strolling in. To be completely honest, I’d question the sanity of anyone who’d opt to watch this flick straight through instead of just speeding ahead to the nippley bits. The actual “movie moments” of Crime and Passion seem like a cinematic punishment that must be withstood before we can enjoy the next lesbian three-way shower scene.

Actresses Nikki Fritz and Lauren Hays attack their speaking scenes with the devotion that can only come from their desire to NOT be considered “porn stars”. Surely, pornstars wouldn’t be asked to replicate a confusing film-noir potboiler while memorizing lines and lines of dialogue (narration)! Bah, who cares? They’re gorgeous women with beautiful bodies. If I want authentic actresses, I’ll rent Steel Magnolias. If I’m judging a movie solely on its devotion to (and positioning of) gorgeous lesbian babes, this one’s a big, round, pert winner.

Nudity Report: In addition to Hays and Fritz (who participate in more than one groping lust-fest), there is a random collection of wonderfully buoyant young gals more than happy to unleash their cannons. If breasts were a rock band, this flick would be their Greatest Hits, Vol. 2.

IMDB Summary: Not listed on the IMDb, while decidedly lesser tittie flicks are. A true travesty.

DVD Info: Fullscreen, Dolby 2.0 Mono, stills gallery


Written by: Scott Weinberg