Heidi Schanz in Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

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So trend-setting and brilliant, the written word cannot do this film justice. If you enjoyed such films as Forrest Gump, The Godfather and Ski School 2, you must see this one. Truly epic and wonderful.

Once again, Hollywood outdoes itself. This latest display of the artistry of cinema takes you into a new world for ninety minutes. The pleasure of watching characters develop and the obstacles they overcome is re-ignited while watching Universal Soldier: The Return. It has redefined what a classic is.

The brilliant plot has Jean Claude Van Damme (in a Golden Globe-worthy performance) attempting to quell the powers of a supercomputer named SETH and his Universal Soldier minions. He has the assistance of an integral newspaper reporter, as well as many brilliant military minds. A brief synopsis doesn't do the vibrant screenplay justice. An early exchange between Van Damme and his young daughter:


Girl: "Dad, why did Mom have to die?"


VD: "You just have to have faith that God has his reasons."


Girl: "I miss her."


VD: "I miss her too. Good night."


The scene ends with Van Damme sleeping in a rocking chair, clutching a photograph to his chest. I only wish my words could convey the way this scene affected me on an emotional level. Only a true artist could have made this film. (Case in point: Van Damme also produced this movie, so I think I'm on to something.)

There are too many wonderful scenes to mention, although my favorite had to be the one when the reporter jumps into the backseat of Van Damme's car to change her blouse. She yells at our hero for peeking at her knockers, then she returns to the front seat. (Hey, Spielberg, take notes.) The highlight of the film, however, comes when the entire city is in a blackout caused by the malicious (but ultimately misunderstood) SETH. Apparently, the only building that still has power during this blackout is a wonderful little strip bar, where breasts and lap-dancing are quite prevalent. In any other film, this would seem like an example of painfully obvious exploitation. Yet in this film, it seems real. It has bearing on the plot and the film needs this emotional core. I was truly touched by the tittie-bar scene in this movie and I'm man enough to admit it.

The true find of this film, however, lies in the immediate impact of a brand new actor. I will refer to him only as Laurence Olivier-Goldberg and he should be preparing his Oscar speech now, because his performance ranks right up there with Howie Long in Firestorm or Eddie Deezen in Grease.

All in all, the year in movies is over as far as I'm concerned. I doubt there will be another film so carefully constructed and skillfully directed. I propose that all schools close to let children experience this life-affirming experience. I truly believe the world is a better place because of films like Universal Soldier: The Return. (Even the title reeks… of creativity.) See it now, before it's copied a million times and all its components become so clichéd and tired that you wish they'd never make another sequel to a bad sci-fi movie that completely bombed at the box-office the first time anyway.

Nudity Report: Kiana Tom (despite having the acting chops of a neophyte pornstar) plays a buxom lady commando who’s breasts are packed down so tightly I kept waiting and hoping for them to explode.

IMDB Summary: 1,615 IMDb users rate this one at 3.4/10.

Box Office: Made less than $11 million bucks.

DVD Info: Widescreen and Full Frame formats, Dolby Digital 5.1 Stereo, behind-the-scenes featurettes, production notes, theatrical trailers


Written by: Scott Weinberg