By The Skinsider
It's said that angels are sexless creatures, but that's about to change now that Anna Nicole Smith has donned white wings and floated up to Boobs' Paradise.
When St. Peter greeted the buxom vision, he surely must have opened more than the Pearly Gates, and Anna, always willing, also most surely gave the gatekeeper a little death after her big one, entering Paradise with St. Peter's pearl necklace dripping from her rapturous chest.
That's the kind of giver-goddess our Anna Nicole Smith was: generous with her endless bounty. It's fitting that the 36DD-26-38 platinum blonde was found dead at the Seminole Hard Rock Caf?otel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida, because the 39-year-old bombshell could make anyone hard.
The Skinsider followed her meteoric rise from poor white trash in Texas to topless dancer, nude model, and Playboy centerfold, a rise echoed in the trousers of billions. Anna proved that more is definitely more, weighing in at 140 pounds for her May 1992 Playmate pictorial. By the time she became Playmate of the Year the corpulent cutie ballooned to 155 pounds. That weight was distributed to all the right places, mostly her jamambo breasts.
If only Anna continued to follow her body's desires. She had reached a peak weight of 224 pounds in 1996, but within a year was a reportedly concentration-camp thin 138 pounds. With her star run as the Queen of Reality TV on the E! Network's The Anna Nicole Show (Picture: ), Anna bounced back and the Skinsider found his zipper bouncing happily in my pants. But recently Anna was once more losing her ample charms.
Though the cause of her death was not immediately known at press time, the Skinsider points an accusing finger at Trim-Spa, the diet pill she used to shed the pounds and later endorsed as the company's spokesboob. Shame!
These are sad times, and there's no reason to wallow in the sordid details. Rather, let's praise the gifts that Anna has left us.
She made her movie debut in The Hudsucker Proxy (1994) and showed off her comic chops with Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994). But that was only a pre-lewd to the real show, her nude debut in To the Limit (Picture: - ) (1995). In this pants thriller, Anna opens the movie in a hot tub, letting her fingers do the whacking all over her zaftig zeppelins and even flashing some brief bush. What an entrance! And there's more (there's always more with Anna). She leaves the steamy bathroom for an even hotter encounter with her man. Then Anna ends the movie where it all began, playing with herself. We should all be so lucky.
Skyscraper (Picture: - - ) (1997) found Anna back with her best friend, the showerhead, followed by another bedroom boff. But this kitten has claws, as she proved stopping a would-be attacker later in the movie, who gets a knife in his groin after making the mistake of fondling Anna's hefty bags without permission. She then blows him away, sadly with a gun.
Besides Playboy videos, Anna's lust stand onscreen was in Anna Nicole Smith Exposed: Her Fantasy Revealed (Picture: - - ) (1998), which she co-directed. Anna played herself in the movie and, again, played with herself. She also played with Ahmo Hight and her chauffer, before posing for a nude photo shoot. The sexploitation film ends with trailers for her other films.
Even more fever-inducing than Anna's movies was her life. She married J. Howard Marshall II, a Texas oil billionaire, when she was 26 and he 89. With Anna's help, Marshall's well didn't run dry. But he shot his last load of black gold 14 months after the nuptials, which sparked a series of legal battles for his fortune. The case is still pending.
Last year, Anna gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Dannielynn. Three days later, Daniel--Anna's 20-year-old son from her first marriage--died suddenly while visiting his mom and sister at the hospital in the Bahamas. The cause of death was ruled accidental due to interaction of methadone with antidepressants.
Truly, the Greeks never envisioned such a tragedy. Neither did the Geeks. The grief Anna suffered was mythic. This heroic figure carried on as long as she could before the Almighty called his succulent mammary girl back to His glorious bosom. The dead have surely risen. Heaven really couldn't live up to its name until this heavenly creature took residence there.
They say if there's a Rock and Roll Heaven there must be a hell of a band. Well, Jimi, Jim, Elvis . . . get ready for a groupie whose oversized abilities finally match yours.
Anna was Marilyn Monroe super-sized for the world's famished libido. She was an antidote to the heroin chic models dying of anorexia. There was more woman in one of her giant jugs than in all of today's so-called sex symbols. Anna wasn't a symbol--she was sin personified, desire wrapped in flesh. You'll have to excuse the Skinsider. I'm getting emotional. Is it wrong for a man to use a handkerchief to mop up tears (for once)?
I hope there are cameras on The Other Side, because Anna cherished the limelight. "I love the paparazzi," she told Los Angeles magazine. "They take pictures, and I just smile away. I've always liked attention. I didn't get much growing up, and I always wanted to be, you know, noticed."
Oh, you've been noticed, sweet angel. You changed the way men pleasured themselves. Can even a single D-cup ever again be enough? No. The Skinsider demands abundance, excess, over the top and under your skirt! Anna, dear dead Anna, you gave so much until there was nothing left to give, and now you're gone. Can a man cry? Well, watch this one bawl.
If there is a silver lining to the dark clouds that have obscured all light and goodness since Anna was taken too early from us, it is Dannielynn. That cherub is blessed with the top-heavy DNA of mommy dearest and she will grow, blossom, and bloom into the hothouse flower that is her fate.
And when she first dances exotically, when the flashbulbs pop for the launch of her nude spread in a magazine, when she drops her dress at the premiere of her movie career, the Skinsider will be there. And Anna will be smiling down on us all.
