By Mr. Skin
It was not the breast of years, but neither was it the least of rears.
For fans of naked starlets on screens large and small, 2005 posed something of a challenge, but it was not without some significantly teat rewards.
Despite some lickety-split upper-ass crackage from Michelle Rodriguez (Picture: 1) on Lost and a dark, fuzzy Mischa Barton partial nip-slip on The O.C., network television skirted any controversy akin to the Janet Jackson "wardrobe mam-function" that ignited 2004. A few channels up, though, it seemed like pay TV could barely keep a single actress clothed. And that's why I have both cable and satellite.
Hollywood hemmed and hawed about the diminishing number of asses filling mulitplex seats as compared to previous years, which prompts me to point out the noteworthy lack of asses--and other highlights of the human anatomy--filling multiplex screens. Coincidence? I schwing not.
For further evidence of how Tinseltown can mend its meandering returns, let it be known that the celebrity T&A event of the year arrived on DVD without even a limited arthouse run.
The indie drama Havoc--which was made in 2004 but premiered on video in 2005--features Princess Diaries star Anne Hathaway (Picture: 1) baring her dairy queens in an R-rated change-of-pace that will forever after alter her image--which is not even considering the way her image on my TV screen was altered after I watched and re-wound her nude scene a few hundred times ... single-handedly, of course.
And, indeed, DVD sales trumped movie-ticket sales for the first time in 2005. Again, I point out that where the boobs are, Hollywood, money waits for thee.
And so do I.
Thus, without further ado, let me present my picks for the finest nude scenes in 2005 theatrical releases, 2005 TV broadcasts, and, as a bonus, the best nudity in, well, bonus features that were issued in 2005.
BIG SCREEN BARE BABES
10. Dirty Love
Jenny McCarthy (Picture: 1)
Jugilicious Jenny McCarthy revealed a secret hidden talent--screenwriting--when she penned the script for this down-and-dirty romantic farce. Better still, she reveals the talents that we've long known and loved her for--all two of them--at the twenty-four-minute mark, when both bombers bust free of her plunging neckline while she walks a red carpet.
9. The Jacket
Keira Knightley (Picture: 1)
Bitsy-boobied Brit beauty Keira Knightley co-stars with eagle-beaked Adrien Brody in this sci-fi thriller that was in and out of theaters in a blink. Eagle-eyed audiences, however, enjoyed some quick-but-fulfilling looks at Keira's delectable wee English crumpets during a make-out session with Brody at the one-hour-three-minute point. Waiting for the DVD version of The Jacket--which does include some extra shots of Keira's chest dots--made it easier, then, to jack it.
8. Crash
Jennifer Esposito (Picture: 1)
Writer/director Paul Haggis's acclaimed, racially charged ensemble drama Crash comes to a peak thirty-eight minutes in when a lusty Latina, played by Jennifer Esposito, explodes in anger at the anti-Hispanic insults hurled by her African-American boyfriend, who's portrayed by Don Cheadle. Enhancing the moment's impact is that Jennifer is showing her left Espo-teeto while getting the beef needle from Mr. Cheadle.
7. Shopgirl
Claire Danes (Picture: )
With the arthouse hit Shopgirl, former wild-and-crazy guy Steve Martin adapted his own novella for the screen. The plot follows the conflicting dating habits of the title character, who's alluringly embodied by lithe lovely Claire Danes. Should she stick with her responsible, older beau (Steve) or frolic off with a youthful, ne'er-do-well creative type (Jason Schwartzman)? Either way, Claire provides a primo presentation of her super-supple posterior as she's sprawled on a bed awaiting Mr. Martin to poke her with something other than the joke-store arrow through his head. This Shopgirl's bottom is tops, dude.
6. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Shannyn Sossamon (Picture: 1)
The loopy detective send-up Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang stars Val Kilmer as a gay private dick, Robert Downey Jr. as a thug-pretending-to-be-an-actor-pretending-to-be-a-thug, multiple mammary shots of up-and-cummers Michelle Monaghan and Tanja Reichert, and, during a flashback one-hour and thirty-four-minutes in, the scrumptious suck sacks of exotic knockout Shannyn Sossamon, who looks gorgeous while being groped. Kiss Kiss, boob boob.
5. The Devil's Rejects
Kate Norby (Picture: 1)
The Devil's Rejects is writer/director Rob Zombie's follow-up to his 2003 shriek-fest House of 1000 Corpses. It ups the original in terms of violence, horror, perversion, and--to make sure you won't always be covering your eyes--naked nay-nays. It's hard (pun fully intended) to narrow Devil's nudes down to a single best. Part of me (you know which one) favors Sheri Moon's breathtaking full-moon exposures. Another part (and, yes, it's actually the same one) wants to go with Three's Company's Priscilla Barnes proving that two is still company by going topless. And then there is vintage porn vixen Ginger Lynn Allen, looking hotter than in her XXX days as she rides the big top of evil clown Sid Haig with her TA exposed. Still, the winning skin has to go to newbie nude Kate Norby, whose lengthy, well-lit shower stint features breasts and buns and is then followed by her fleeing from a hotel room to a highway, full-blown furburger first. Devil's will make you horny.
4. A History of Violence
Maria Bello (Picture: 1)
Maria Bello has been making me bellow with some of the most skinsistently reliable revelations of flesh over the past few years. With Maria in its cast, I knew she'd bring some steamy sex to A History of Violence. Sure enough, after two skin-tense love scenes opposite Viggo Mortensen, Ms. Bello electrifies director David Cronenberg's revenge tale with a flash of mams and a lingering look at the sweet, fluffy stuff she's got below.
3. Sin City
Carla Gugino (Picture: 1)
They should have called it Skin City. Director Robert Rodriguez's wild comic-book adaptation brings the ta-tas to the table early on, with supermodel Jaime King (Picture: 1) showing her torso appendages in bed post-coitus. And as stunning as the hyper-stylized look of Sin City is, it's never more astonishing than the black-and-white scene in which Carla Gugino--clad only in the teeniest of thongs, which comes off--talks with monster-faced Mickey Rourke in her bathroom. TA in BW has never been more vivid.
2. Where the Truth Lies
Rachel Blanchard (Picture: )
Audiences had to travel to big-city arthouses in order to enjoy director Atom Egoyan's twisted mystery Where the Truth Lies. But tit was worth the trip. Alison Lohman, of Tim Burton's Big Fish, reveals a big taste for fish during a feisty lesbo scene with Rebecca Davis--both of whom go nude elsewhere in the movie, to boot(y). Rising ravisher Kristin Adams also serves up her Adam's Apples, but it's Rachel Blanchard of TV's Clueless who gets my nod for big-screen sexposure of the year as--at the one-hour-twenty-one-minute mark--she bares her Chers while getting porked by Kevin Bacon.
1. Broken Flowers
Alexis Dziena (Picture: )
Indie icon Jim Jarmusch cast tee-hee titan Bill Murray in this comedy-drama about a man who seeks to right the wrongs he's committed against the women in his past. At the forty-minute point, there's nothing wrong with the right--or left--of willowy, youthful brunette Alexis Dziena, who approaches the former Caddyshack groundskeeper full-frontally naked and then bares her backfield when she's walking away. Nudecomer of the year? For Alexis, it's in the hole! It's in the hole!
*
BREAST OF THE BOOB TUBE 2005
10. Sleeper Cell
Melissa Sagemiller (Picture: )
Episode: "Scholar"
Airdate: 12/07/2005
Showtime's politically combustible series Sleeper Cell tracks the doings of an embedded band of Muslim blower-uppers as they plot who and what to make go ka-pow next. Perhaps they'll choose peace as long as pieces like Melissa Sagemiller keep getting topless for them. Can't we all just get it on?
9. The Comeback
Dee Dee Rescher (Picture: 1)
Episode: "Valerie Relaxes in Palm Springs"
Airdate: 07/31/2005
As an aging actress determined to return to the spotlight, Lisa Kudrow plays a parody of herself in the HBO comedy The Comeback. Lisa never showed her sweater Friends during the course of the show. But, in the episode "Valerie Relaxes in Palm Springs", her chesteriffic, slightly older pal Dee Dee Rescher doffs her bikini top and dares Lisa to live a little and join her. Never mind The Comeback, Dee Dee's meaties made me want to come on her front.
8. Nip/Tuck
Kelly Carlson (Picture: )
Episode: "Derek, Alex, and Gary"
Airdate: 10/04/05
Nothing seems to be taboo(b) on the incendiary FX medical series Nip/Tuck--not nudity, not group sex, and certainly not an episode like "Derek, Alex, and Gary", which brought both of the former to viewers with surgical precision in the form of bare-nippled orgy enthusiast Kelly Carlson, whom we see doing what (and the multiple whos) she does best. Nip/Tuck? Stoke/stroke!
7. Weeds
Clare Carey (Picture: 1)
Episode: "Higher Education"
Airdate: 09/19/2005
There may be a dearth of rock-n-roll on the Showtime satire Weeds, but this saga of a suburban soccer mom who peddles dope on the side obviously provides drugs, and, thanks to Clare Carey, you can get high (and hard) off of its sex quotient too. Check out the episode "Higher Education", wherein a wasted, naked-chested Carey throws her legs in the air and gets pumped by a dude while her kids are in the next room. Tune in, turn on, pop off.
6. Deadwood
Molly Parker (Picture: 1)
Episode: "A Lie Agreed Upon"
Airdate: 03/06/2005
When it comes to accuracy in titles, HBO's son-of-a-motherfuckin'-cocksucker Western Deadwood could not be more off base. Beyond the show's previously alluded-to obscenity-pumped dialogue, Deadwood also routinely exceeds expectations on the nudity. As a result, your wood will be anything but dead when you watch it. Case in point(s): the episode "A Lie Agreed Upon", wherein series regular Molly Parker finally unveils her golden nuggets while boinking a prospector. You'll have more than steel in your six-shooter.
5. Masters of Horror
Lucie Laurier (Picture: 1)
Epsiode: "Chocolate"
Airdate: 11/25/05
Big-screen fright-meisters on the order of John Carpenter, George Romero, Rob Zombie, and Tobe Hooper (among a Mount Scream-More of others) set their scary sights on the boob tube via the Showtime anthology series Masters of Horror. And since nothing accompanies blood-and-guts more palatably than tits-and-ass, Masters of Horror reliably serves up its shrieking sirens in the raw. My favorite so far has been Lucie Laurier in the November episode titled "Chocolate". Not only does Lucie display her pert panty pumpkins, she busts out her banzongas so bombastically that I was thinking that they should have called the episode "Milk Chocolate". Masters of Horror will turn you into a Master of Bates.
4. Rome
Kerry Condon (Picture: 1)
Episode: "The Stolen Eagle"
Airdate: 08/28/05
Ah, the glories of the ancient empire that provides the setting for the epic HBO/BBC collaboration Rome. We get chariot races, vomitoriums, bloody circuses, and, most importantly, we get the sort of sex one should expect from the society that produced Caligula. In the landmark Rome installment "The Stolen Eagle", luscious Kerry Condon is led to a bed chamber, stripped nude by handmaidens, and proves that the toga matches the tent in terms of her being a natural redhead. Kerry then bends over to be deflowered by her old, fat husband, revealing rack, rug, and rump in the process. I'm getting Roman hands just thinking about it.
3. Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson
Pamela Anderson (Picture: )
Comedy Central
Airdate: 8/14/05
Celebrity roasts are a time-honored tradition in which the guest of honor is repeatedly and relentlessly insulted by funny folk who typically embrace a compunction to compete to be as sick and savage as possible. This past summer's Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson upheld the expected elements of the ritual with Jimmy Kimmel acting as Master of Ceremonies, various stand-ups laying Pam out flat with their zingers, and even an anal sex joke by Bea Arthur. This time out, however, boasted two major improvements to the formula--and both were bouncing, heaving, bobbling, and otherwise bedazzling throughout the two-hour special as they resided, clearly visible, in Pam's udderly see-through shirt.
2. Rome
Polly Walker (Picture: 1)
Episode: "The Stolen Eagle"
Airdate: 08/28/05
Although set in the time of Julius Caesar, Polly Walker's fantastic full-frontal-and-fanny exposure in the Rome episode titled "The Stolen Eagle" brings to mind Oedipus. Full-bodied, wooly-bushed beauty Polly stands up in a bath while her teenage son spies on her scrub-down. Mom invites him to join her, he chickens out, and then she struts off, teasing him with her awesome ass. You'll fiddle while Junior yearns.
1. The L Word
Mia Kirshner (Picture: 1)
Episode: "L'Chaim"
Airdate: 05/08/2005
In terms of all-star girl-girl exploits on television, there was a time before Showtime premiered The L Word and there's been the golden age we've been living in ever since. Aside from this saga of the usual avalanche of naked Sapphic shenanigans of lesbian Los Angelinas, one L Word interlude stood boobs-and-pubes above all others this season. In the episode "L'Chaim", dark-maned gamine Mia Kirshner performs on stage in a crowded theater, completely naked. The audience, naturally, goes berserk for this brunette bombshell's gravity-mocking gazongas and sumptuously grown-out crotch thatch, and you will too. Nobody does "C-word" better than The L Word.
*
BEST BONUS TA ON DVD
Luther the Geek (1990)
Stacy Haiduk (Picture: 1)
Troma Studios knows its audience. More importantly, Troma respects its audience. That's why when New York's most enduring independent schlock house reissued its head-biting-killer classic Luther the Geek on DVD, it made sure that the new edition contained additional eyefuls of TV starlet Stacy Haiduk at her three-B-baring sexiest in the shower. Go Geek out.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
Catherine Keener (Picture: 1), Laura Bottrell, Jamie Elle Mann, Stormy Daniels, Kimberly Page
The theatrical version of The 40-Year-Old Virgin was that most infuriating of abominations: an R-rated sex comedy completely devoid of any onscreen nudity, let alone sex. Hey, Hollywood: I can say "Fuck" on my own time! That's why I now have to say, fuck, it's great to have the unrated cut of The 40-Year-Old Virgin on disc, which contains previously unseen nakedness from Laura Bottrell, Stormy Daniels, and Kimberly Page. It also features bonus shots of Jamie Elle Mann and a nip-slip from Catherine Keener in the Special Features deleted scenes.
Sin City (2005)
Carla Gugino, Jaime King (Picture: 1)
Yes, Sin City was cited above as one of the best theatrical films for nudity in 2005. Still, as great as the black-and-white boobs and buns in the initial Sin City were, only on DVD can we see the same scenes played out by the original actors in front of a green screen--and in living, lusting color!
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Nikki Griffin, Jacqui Maxwell (Picture: 1)
First (and second) things first: You don't get to see double-barreled pop chanteuse Jessica Simpson's mountainous moonshine jugs naked in the "unedited" DVD of last summer's PG-13 redneck romp The Dukes of Hazzard. However, Johnny Knoxville makes the most out of a deleted scene that presents him in bed with hillbilly hotties Nikki Griffin and Jacqui Maxwell, hooters out and rarin' to go.
Stripes (1981)
P.J. Soles (Picture: 1)
The beloved Bill Murray military farce Stripes contained some legendary nude segments in its best-known incarnation, including the sudsy group shower of WACs that prompts peeping superior officer John Larroquette to murmur, "I wish I was a loofah!" The high-tech weaponry employed by Bill and Harold Ramis in Stripes, though, is no match for the modern miracle of DVD, which provides us here with the very best bare-breasted scene ever filmed by cult superstarlet P.J. Soles. It takes place at the one-hour-fourteen-minute mark, when P.J. and Bill cavort at the general's house, shortly after he gives her "the Aunt Jemima treatment." You'll make your own batter.
